Hot Wings and Beer

Kanye West "Love Lockdown" VMA Perfromance

2008-09-07T23:42:00.000-07:00

I'm very happy that 'Ye performed his new single at the VMA's. This shit is amazing. I can't even begin to say how much I appreciate the way he continues to push the envelope. If only more rap artists had the balls to go out on a limb the way Kanye does, we might not have to listen to bullshit like Soulja Boy. Enjoy the clip:

So I Was At Bed Bath and BeyOOGAARGHHAGH

2008-09-03T20:39:00.000-07:00

This reminds me of one of my favorite all time movie scenes. The scene is in Problem Child 2. I could only find a clip dubbed in Spanish, but it's not like this has any profound dialogue. Enjoy.

This Never Stopped Me

2008-09-03T20:35:00.001-07:00

You gotta love how the "good boy" looks terrified. I still don't get why this kid can't ignore the kid who's beating off and go to sleep, but then again I've been living in San Francisco for 4 years. Random people jacking off in public is pretty much par for the course here. I could probably fall asleep with a circle jerk going on in my room. I saw this pic when I was 10 years old. All it did was make be think that I should jack off standing up as opposed to doing it in my bed. That lasted for like 5 days and then I got lazy and went back to beating off in bed.

LaDainian Tomlinson and Kimbo Slice Workout Together

2008-08-26T15:27:00.001-07:00

Pretty self-explanatory.

Cuban's Don't Take Disqualification Very Well

2008-08-25T16:54:00.000-07:00

A Cuban Tae Kwon Do badass kicked an Olympic judge in the face this weekend because the judge called him a "Maricon" (that means fag in Spanish). The AP has some other explanation of the incident:

BEIJING -- Cuba's Angel Matos deliberately kicked a referee square in the face after he was disqualified in a bronze-medal match, prompting the World Taekwondo Federation to recommend that he be banned for life.

"We didn't expect anything like what you have witnessed to occur," said WTF secretary general Yang Jin-suk. "I am at a loss for words."

Yang also recommended Matos' coach be banned.

Matos was winning 3-2, with 1:02 left in the second round, when he fell to the mat after being hit by his opponent, Kazakhstan's Arman Chilmanov. Matos was sitting there, awaiting medical attention, when he was disqualified for taking too much injury time. Fighters get one minute, and Matos was disqualified when his time ran out.

Matos angrily questioned the call, pushed a judge, then pushed and kicked referee Chakir Chelbat of Sweden, who required stitches in his lip. Matos spat on the floor and was escorted out.

This report is culturally biased and I don't buy it. I gotta side with my fellow Cuban. The video is from a shitty angle, but here it is anyway.

K-Ci and JoJo Are Great Live

2008-08-25T06:13:00.000-07:00

This is a video of K-Ci and Jojo in concert recently and Jojo passes out while K-Ci just keeps on singing. It's great. I love the part where Jojo falls down and the big security guard dude just walks right past him and picks up the mic. I was surprised to hear white people talking during the video. I read under the description of the video that this was in Sydney, Australia. I has no idea that these guys had enough white fans to perform in Australia.

You're Kidding Right?

2008-08-20T06:19:00.000-07:00

Madonna is on the cover of New York Magazine this month. They say some shit about how she has the "new face". Do they mean that she looks good? She used to be alright but now she looks like Willem Dafoe. If I happened to see Madonna I wouldn't be surprised if she threw an exploding pumpkin at me while flying on a green hovercraft.

Willem Dafoe, for those who don't know. See what I did there? I got rhymes for days.

Getting PWND by Mother Nature

2008-08-20T06:11:00.000-07:00

Some dipshit in Florida thought it would be a good idea to go kite surfing during a hurricane. Here's the story followed by a video.

FORT LAUDERDALE,Florida,August 18/08'Emergency officials have been warning South Floridians to seek shelter during Tropical Storm Fay but a man in Fort Lauderdale seeking some thrills on the rough surf didn't heed that warning and ended up in the hospital after being hurt in an astonishing kite boarding accident that was caught on camera.

A news crew was on Fort Lauderdale beach at A1A and eas More..t Las Olas Boulevard when a huge gust of wind from Fay blew down the beach and took the kite boarder by surprise. The kite boarder was harnessed into his sail when the wind violently picked him up and slammed him onto the sandy beach. Then, he was dragged across the sand before being lifted up into the air again and blown across the street where the wind slammed him into a building.

Witnesses ran to help the unidentified kite surfer who lay crumpled on the ground in pain.

Ray Gun? No Fucking Way!

2008-03-02T10:01:00.000-08:00

Apparently the Pentagon has developed a Ray gun that hurts you as long as you're in the beam and the pain goes away as soon as you move out of the way. It's kind of like having a nagging ass girlfriend. It's fucking painful when she's bitching at you, but once you get away to a bar or to watch the ball game you're OK again. They've pretty much harnessed that power and maid it into a gun. Here's a clip:

Pretty cool huh? I felt his pain, like when my past girlfriends would bitch about me playing Madden, "No I can't talk right now. It'll be five minutes. I'm halfway through the 3rd quarter." Fucking works every time. That plea probably wouldn't work against a ray gun though.

Well Then

2008-02-19T02:27:00.001-08:00

Apparently in India, bodybuilders get midgets for trophies.

The 21st Century Is Sexy

2008-02-18T20:23:00.000-08:00

I have no idea why this video exists, but this is the kind of shit I've been wanting to see for a long time. I still feel like advanced slow motion technology is underutilized. Here's some more stuff I'd like to see in super slow motion:

The boobies in the above video getting shot with a Super Soaker.

A hippie getting hit by a Hummer.

A hippie getting hit by any hybrid car (sweet irony).

Dwight Howard's Superman dunk.

Gallagher smashing a Watermelon.

A white man's fall from grace into homelessness.

That's about all I could think of at the moment. I'm sure some more will come to me in due time.

Why I Went To See "Rambo" Last Night

2008-02-11T14:44:00.000-08:00

This review was highly persuasive and the main reason I spent my hard earned money to go see Rambo last night. And you know what? That kid was totally right! The movie was badass and there was hardly any diologue, just like Secxman said. Thanks Sexman. You know that Sexman has to get tons of ass. I mean, just look at him, pure unadulterated badass.

You're probably wondering how I came across Sexman's articulate and informative review. Well I saw it on a fantastic movie blog that I read regularly called FilmDrunk. I suggest you check it out.

India; Where A Man Can Still Be A Man

2008-02-11T14:34:00.000-08:00

Fuck Yes. That guy was so badass. I can only hope that one day I will be able to make an entrance as grand as the one that guy made. Rolling up my sleeves and just oozing with swagger. Very cool. I think I'm going to move to India because a man can still be a man there. Political corect-ness is keeping me and many other dudes from reaching our full badass potential. This clearly is not a problem in India. I'm on my way to Bollywood. NAMASTE!

THE REBIRTH...

2008-02-11T14:28:00.000-08:00

OK, I haven't posted in over 2 months for a number of reasons. However I'm not here to make excuses like I have in the past. As you have surely noticed, I felt like the site needed a new look. I'm back for real this time so look for me to post frequently.

This Guy Kicks Ass, Hockey Still Sucks

2007-12-11T19:52:00.000-08:00

This is a drunk ass fan at a New York Islanders game. You can tell by the sweat pants that this guy was planning on getting hammered. Being in sweats while inebriated is heavenly. This guy has it all figured out. Big up to The Postmen for unearthing this gem of a video.

Snoop Dogg's "Sensual Seduction"

2007-12-11T14:13:00.000-08:00

Feast your eyes on the greatest music video of recent memory, "Sensual Seduction" by Snoop Dogg.

Holy shit! That is an awesome video. It's nice to see musicians these days, especially in rap, not take themselves so seriously. If you were wondering about the quality of the video, that is by design. He obviously used that old looking film to give it the retro feel. I know that only a retard would fail to grasp that, but this is a blog about drinking and scat humor, so I felt like some of the readers (7 out of 22) might need an explanation. I especially liked the keyboard guitar and the Roger Troutman-style voice box straw thingy. That shit is sweet.

OMG!!! AN UPDATE!!!

2007-12-11T14:01:00.000-08:00

OK, I'm back for real now. I'm sorry for not posting, but I work full time now so I get tired and shit. I also have been using my creative juice towards a different project. I have been doing open mic stand up comedy here in San Francisco, so that's kind of what I have been doing with my free time.

In any case, I plan to start posting for real again. Half of what kept me from posting was the fucking Mulatto list. The Mulatto community is so volatile that I found myself constantly having to change the order of the top 20, so I never posted it. I might post it some day, but for now the remaining 20 of the Mulatto list shall remain an unsolved mystery. Now let's get back to business...

The Return of The Mulatto List: 30-21

2007-11-11T22:19:00.000-08:00

I'm sorry for the long delay between posts, but I've been really busy for the first time in like a year. Well let's get right to it.

30. Jayson Williams
Jayson Williams is the former NBA All-Star Center for the New Jersey Nets. I had no idea that he was a Mulatto, but I looked it up and it is true. He was a pretty good player and was a pretty funny guy in interviews and TV appearances. All in all, a really likable guy as well as talented. The only reason that he is this low on the list is because he accidentally killed his limo driver with a shotgun. Williams avoided jail time after a jury ruled that the shooting was caused by the shotgun misfiring due to a factory defect.

29. Eartha Kitt
This lady played the Catwoman on the 1960's Batman TV show. Orson Welles once called Eartha Kitt "The most exciting woman in the world." That's kind of broad. It could mean just about anything, but I'm going to assume that it meant that he wanted to have sex with her. It's kind of a bummer that Halle Berry took the Catwoman character and turned it into quite possibly the worst movie ever made. I'm not losing much sleep over it 'cause hey, it's Halle Berrry in leather.

28. Thandie Newton
I really haven't got a whole lot to say about Ms. Newton. I know she's British and that she may have had an eating disorder. That's about it. She made this list purely off of being super hot in "Mission Impossible 2".

27. Devon Ellis
Who is Devon Ellis, you ask? Haha, Devon Ellis is a strong Mulatto that would rank higher on this list if he was actually a celebrity. He is my roommate, good friend, fellow Mulatto, and probably the most prolific drinker I've ever known. He loves America, as you can see by his head wear, and he is all man. His DVD collection is strong and admirable, featuring many legendary movies like "Ghost Dad" and "The Pest" starring John Leguizamo. His collection is the only one that rivals mine. He introduced me to Boston Market microwavable beef sirloin and noodles, which is the greatest microwavable food ever. That was more than enough to earn him a spot on this list.

26. James Blake
James Blake is kinda cool. He's an American pro tennis player. I don't follow tennis that much, but James Blake just seems cool to me. However, when I do follow tennis, it always seems like he is losing. This is why he only ranks 26 on the list despite me thinking he's pretty cool.

25. Me
I am the 25th Mulatto on the list. Do you really need an explanation? I mean look at the picture. It takes a man to pull those shorts off. I am also the author of this blog, which probably has a whopping 20-25 readers. I also did a couple of awesome things in my 22 years, like the time I dug a hole at the beach, laid in it, covered myself with a towel and bread, and then caught a seagull in my arms. It was beyond badass. I also played the role of Rufus in the 2005 independent film "Love on The Rocks".

24. Tony Gonzalez

Tony Gonzalez is the tight end for the Kansas City Chiefs. He is arguably the greatest tight end of all time. He really should be higher on this list, but he pisses me off due the fact that he is Puerto Rican and cannot speak Spanish. A damn shame, especially since the NFL could use a legit Latino ambassador. Whatever, they have those NFL Latino commercials now.

23. John Amaechi
John Amaechi might be the most courageous Mulatto on this list. He used to play center for several NBA teams. The 7-foot Brit recently came out of the closet as a homosexual and has provided tons of insight into the discussion of homosexuality in sports. If you ever get a chance to check out one of his post-coming out interviews, please do. Like I said before, he's got a lot to say. I know homophobia is an awful thing, and I do not condone it. However, when Amaechi came out of the closet, Tim Hardaway left us with this idiotic rant that I can't help but laugh at:

22. Maya Rudolph
Maya Rudolph is, in my opinion, is one of the funniest women in the world. Her mother was Minnie Riperton, the black soul singer who performed "Lovin' You". Her father was a Jewish producer. I'm not making this up. If you don't agree that she is hilarious, then watch this Destiny's child parody:

21. Ben Harper
I really don't like Ben Harper's music. I really don't like Ben Harper's wife, actress Laura Dern. She isn't attractive and she annoyed the shit out of me in "Jurassic Park". So why does he have such a decent spot on my list? I saw him on time on Haight St. and he looked kind of cool and I was surprised that I could recognize a celebrity that I don't really know much about. I guess Ben Harper is alright with me.

Well that's all for today. I promise that I will deliver the final 20 spots on the countdown, as well as other goodies, by the end of the work week. Take care of yourselves and be don't be afraid to get interracial and add fuel to the Mulatto fire.

Happy Halloween To All My Witches and My [Grave] Diggas!

2007-10-31T01:14:00.000-07:00

Awwww man. Awww fuck man. It's so on. Halloween is the tits. I fucking love Halloween. Halloween has always been one of my favorite days of the year throughout my entire life. It has always offered me something awesome at every stage of my life. During my childhood I went trick or treating like everyone else. In High School, me and my buddies would just hop in our cars and throw eggs at trick or treaters that looked too old to be trolling for candy. I'll bet you're thinking something like "what an asshole!" Well fuck you. That shit was fun, don't knock it till you've tried it. In college, I would just get hammered on Halloween and enjoy all of the wonderful, sexy outfits college girls like wearing on Halloween. That's the coolest thing about Halloween once you get to college, girls just wear shit that they would never wear otherwise.

Unfortunately, I'm done with college now...wait. Why the fuck is this unfortunate? I'm still gonna get trashed tonight, and I won't have any class tomorrow. This is tremendous! I intend on drinking something festive, but maybe a little ghoulish as well. Maybe some champagne with like a fake severed finger in the glass. Ah fuck that's a stupid idea. I have this sweet Halloween glass that I bought last year. It's like a skull at the bottom, the shit is cool. I can just drink any kind of booze out of that and be festive and ghoulish. Yea that's a much better idea. In any case, I'm going to have a great time. What's that? You want to know what I'm going to be for Halloween? Oh, I can't share that with you yet. If anything exceptional happens tomorrow night, there will surely be a follow up post where I will fill you all in as well as tell you what I am dressing up as. I'm not to big on it, I don't think it's that creative or well done. Well at least it will be better than this guy's costume:

Seriously dude? C'mon man, everyone knows that Frankenstein is green, not black. He certainly doesn't wear Greg Oden's Ohio State jers...oh shit. That is actually Greg Oden. He really looks like that? That's fucked up man. My bad.

HW&B Top 50 Mulattoes List: 40-31

2007-10-30T21:40:00.000-07:00

Alright, so now that we've made it through the first ten spots on the list, it's time for 40-31. Lets get is going.

40. Drew Gooden

Drew Gooden is the starting power forward for the Eastern Conference Champions, the Cleveland Cavaliers. He hails from Oakland, California. Drew Gooden is a solid player, but I don't like him all that much. I put him on the list because I feel like any Mulatto that starts for an NBA conference championship team should be honored on the list. He really should be higher on this list, but there is one thing that is holding him back...

WHAT. THE. FUCK. Seriously, why does he have a patch of hair on the back of his neck? He has said that it's "an Oakland thing" yet I live in the Bay Area and I have yet to see anyone wearing one of those. I do see a bunch or rat-tails, but no patches. Maybe his hair patch is just and underdeveloped rat-tail, in which case I might give him a break.

39. Lisa Bonet

Lisa Bonet is half Jewish and half Black. She played Denise Huxtable on "The Cosby Show". She was married to Lenny Kravitz, who is also half Black and half Jewish. This was very convenient because they had a daughter, Zoe, so she is also Black and Jewish. The reason I have Lisa Bonet on this list is because the rap duo of MURS and Slug (of the group Atmosphere) made an album called "Felt 2: A Tribute to Lisa Bonet". I love that fucking album, therefore Lisa Bonet has a special place in my heart. Here is a video from that album, shit is kinda awesome:

38. David Justice

David Justice is a badass. He used to be an outfielder for a whole shitload of Major League teams, but I really don't care to mention any of them. He is on this list for two reasons and two reasons only. First, he was an absolute badass on MTV's Rock N Jock Softball back in the early-mid 90's. He and Kenny Lofton would lead their teams into battle for annual Rock N Jock supremacy. I used to love that shit as a kid. The second reason Justice is on this list is because he was once married to Halle Berry. One time when she was on Letterman, she showed a tattoo on her ass that was dedicated to David Justice. That's gotta make a guy feel like a true badass. Justice would be higher on this list if he could have stayed with Halle Berry or remained in the public eye somehow. I'm sure he's kicking himself now because she's only gotten older and she looks just as good, maybe better. She still looks great now despite being pregnant. Check it out: I know, right?

37. Lloyd Banks

Lloyd Banks is a member of 50 Cent's rap group, G-Unit. Banks is the son of a Puerto Rican Mother and a Black father. There was a time when Banks was one of my favorite rappers and was generally regarded as a highly promising talent. His debut album, "The Hunger For More" went platinum and was critically acclaimed. His second album, "Rotten Apple" was God awful and the reason he is only #37 on this list. Seriously, that album was shit. I really like Banks, so I hope he can recover. I just puked a little in my mouth because I was thinking about how shitty "Rotten Apple" is. Now I gotta go brush my teeth.

36. Karyn Parsons

Karyn Parsons played the role of Hillary on "The Fresh Prince of Bel Air". She's on the list because I think she's really hot. Have you ever seen the movie "The Ladies Man"? She looks amazing in that movie. That's all I really have to say about Karyn Parsons.

35. Rick Fox

Rick Fox used to play small forward for the Los Angeles Lakers. Rick was one of my favorite players and he is on this list because he was a valuable role player on the Laker teams that won NBA championships from 2000-2002. He is also an actor, and was on the HBO show "OZ" which was one of my favorites. He also used to be married to Vanessa Williams, so that helps his cause as well. Here's a clip of Rick Fox on "OZ":

34. Mario Van Peebles

I don't know why, but I really like this guy. He's the balls. I don't know a whole lot about Mario Van Peebles. I know that he was badass in "New Jack City" with Wesley Snipes and Ice-T, and that he was in this movie called "Solo" that I never saw. In any case, this guy is pretty cool.

33. Rosie Perez

Rosie Perez is a Puerto Rican Mulatta and she is on this list for a couple of reasons. She's in two of my favorite movies ever, "Do The Right Thing" and "White Men Can't Jump". The other reason she's on this list is because she has FANTASTIC boobs. You see them in both of those movies, which is awesome. Kanye West recently made a reference to Rosie's boobs in one of his songs. The lyric goes like this:

"Mr. Fresh, Mister-by hisself he's so impressed
I mean damn, did you even see the test
You got D's, motherfucker, D's! Rosie Perez!"

32. Bernie Williams

Bernie Williams is a former Major League Baseball player and critically acclaimed Latin Jazz guitarist. Bernie played center field for the New York Yankees and won four World Series championships with the Yanks. Bernie is an accomplished guitar player as you can tell by the photograph above. Bernie, like Rosie Perez, is a Puerto Rican Mulatto.

31. Shane Battier

Shane Battier plays small forward for the Houston Rockets. He was a superstar in college, leading the Duke Blue Devils to a national championship in 2001 while winning just about every collegiate player of the year award. I HATE Duke, but I've always had a strong respect for Shane Battier. He plays hard and he plays the game the right way. I wish he played for the Lakers. He also has a really fucking weird shape to his head, which combined with his collegiate accolades, was enough to land him the 31 spot on this list.

Well that's all for today, check back tomorrow night for the third installment of the Mulatto list. Keep thinking about that hot interracial action folks. PEACE!

Welcome To The HW&B Top 50 Mulattoes List: 50-41

2007-10-29T16:51:00.000-07:00

If the headline to this post confused you at all, allow me to clarify. Over the course of this week I will be posting my list of the top 50 Mulattoes in the world. You may be wondering why I am doing this list, well in case you haven't been able to tell by reading my posts, I myself am a Mulatto of Cuban descent. This is very close to my heart. I would also like to make it clear that I am saying the word "Mulatto" in Spanish, which is not offensive. Saying Mulatto in English is like way offensive, so if you use the word do it with the Spanish pronunciation.

Also, for the sake of the list, I must give my definition of what a Mulatto is. To me a Mulatto is anyone with African and European heritage or, simply put, someone who is black and white mixed. The list is based on nothing but my own personal criteria, so I don't need any of you fuckers telling me who you would have placed at the top of the list. I don't give a shit about your opinion unless you too are a Mulatto. My Dad and my roommate are the only people whose opinions I took into consideration while making this list because they too are Mulattoes. Well enough with the foreplay, It's business time.

50. Pierre

The first Mulatto to be honored in this list is actor/comedian Pierre Edwards, more commonly known as "Pierre". Pierre is one of those black(one drop rule) comedians that is a relative nobody to the mainstream, but is pretty well known within the black community. Pierre starred alongside Bill Bellamy in "Def Jam's How To Be A Player" as well as countless rap videos. I couldn't tell you what Pierre is up to these days which is why he occupies the last spot on this list. Here is some of his work in the video for Project Pat's "Don't Save Her"

49. Taimak Guarriello

Taimak is a totally badass half black half Italian and has what it takes to be much higher on this list. He played "Bruce Leroy Green" in the 1985 cult classic "The Last Dragon". I say that Taimak should be higher on this list because "The Last Dragon" is one of my all time favorite movies, but Taimak hasn't done shit since then. As much as I love Bruce Leroy, I can't highly rank a dude who hasn't done anything of note for the last 22 years. Here is the trailer for "The Last Dragon".

48. Christopher "Kid" Reid

Reid is one half of the rap duo, "Kid N Play". Kid starred alongside his partner in crime, Play, in the "House Party" trilogy. Kid is obviously known for his awesome hair. No one is more closely associated with the hi-top fade than Kid. Here's a clip of Kid cutting a rug in the first "House Party" movie.

47. Rain Pryor

Rain Pryor is Richard Pryor's daughter. I've seen her a couple times on TV and I'm not entirely sure what she does, I think she does comedy. The only reason I put her on this list is because I needed an excuse to post a good Richard Pryor clip. Here you go:

46. Lou Bega

Lou Bega is Latin-pop musician that created "Mambo No. 5". Funny thing is that Bega is not even Latino. He was born in Germany to a Ugandan father and Sicilian mother. Bega is arguably the most prolific one hit wonder in the history of Mulattodom. Here is video evidence of his one hit song:

45. Bizzy Bone

Bizzy Bone used to be a member of the legendary Rap group, Bone Thugs-N-Harmony. He left the group because he wanted to go solo, then he found God and has since gone bat-shit crazy. I couldn't tell you what he's up to these days other than updating his MySpace page.

44. Andre Royo

Andre Royo is a Cuban-American Mulatto, just like me. Royo is an exceptional actor and is most famous for his role on HBO's award winning series, "The Wire". Royo plays a charismatic drug addict and police informant known as "Bubbles". Here is a clip of Royo as Bubbles at a Narcotics Anonymous meeting. It's kind of depressing, but the best clip I could find.

43./42. The Mowry Twins

Tia and Tamera Mowry used to be on that show "Sister Sister" back in the 90's. I never liked that show, but I know that those girls got pretty rich off it and they're kind of hot now, so they get spots on the countdown. They are solid representatives of the Mulatto community.

41. Faith Evans

Faith Evans is on this list for one reason and one reason only; She was married to the Notorious B.I.G. She was married to a ~~living~~ legend which makes her a lot like Brett Favre's wife, Deanna, except without breast cancer and fidelity. Faith also got busted with cocaine once, which I am sure has never happened to Deanna Favre, so I guess that's one less thing that they have in common. Faith, unlike the Mowry twins, is not a solid representative for the Mulatto community but she was with Biggie, so we accept her.

Well that is all for today. Check back tomorrow for the second portion (40-31) of the list that is a reminder of all the hot interracial action that goes on every day.

What The Fuck!?

2007-10-23T20:09:00.001-07:00

These pictures were taken from a German costume website. Wow, not since the time an old, drunk Brit called me a "black Mexican" have I been so offended. Oh, and apparently the Germans have costumes that mock other races too, so Asians, Native Americans and Jews don't feel left out.

Pictures courtesy of Cracked

Monkeys In India Are Also Assassins

2007-10-22T22:37:00.000-07:00

Some monkeys in Dehli, India killed a politician. Here's the scoop from BBC News Online:

The deputy mayor of the Indian capital Delhi has died a day after being attacked by a horde of wild monkeys.

SS Bajwa suffered serious head injuries when he fell from the first-floor terrace of his home on Saturday morning trying to fight off the monkeys.

The city has long struggled to counter its plague of monkeys, which invade government complexes and temples, snatch food and scare passers-by.

The High Court ordered the city to find an answer to the problem last year.

If you think that was good, check out one of the solutions that the city thought up:

One approach has been to train bands of larger, more ferocious langur monkeys to go after the smaller groups of Rhesus macaques.

WHAT. THE. FUCK. That is the coolest thing I've ever heard. I don't know about you, but I can feel a Monkey civil war brewing in India. If that shit goes down, I'm going to India when this shit settles down and offer Monkey Civil War Veterans money to fight each other on a pay-per view event. I'll be like the Don King of monkeys, or if you think that would be cruel you could call me the Mike Vick of monkeys. Honestly, I wouldn't mind either one.

Honda Made A Pretty Good Commercial

2007-10-22T16:23:00.000-07:00

You see, it isn't that difficult to make a good, funny commercial. However, fucking Taco Bell has been making awful commercials for the last 8 years. Get it together Taco Bell, you're embarrassing the Latino community.

James Lipton Don't Love No Hoes

2007-10-22T14:38:00.000-07:00

I don't know if this video is a testament to how cool James Lipton can be, or how soft France is. I mean seriously, if James Lipton can become a pimp in France, I can start my own organized crime ring.

Shit Happens

2007-10-11T15:14:00.000-07:00

How fucking boring must Idaho be if someone shitting under an overpass makes the news? Hobos shit in front of my apartment daily and you never see any news cameras hanging around or interviewing my ass. You know why? Because San Francisco has at least 500 Phantom Poopers running around and shitting all over the place.

This Is Why Favre's Hot

2007-10-10T10:24:00.000-07:00

Brett Favre and the Green Bay Packers lost their first game of the season on Sunday night to the Chicago Bears, but don't let that fool you. Brett Favre is still the hottest motherfucker in the game right now. Don't believe me? Check the video:

Who knew that Wrangler jeans and Hip Hop could coexist in such harmony. That's what America and Favre (because he is America personified) are all about.

Here's some more of Favre's awesomeness:

UPDATE: Congress is seriously going to honor Brett Favre. Get the entire scoop here.

Solid Gold

2007-10-10T09:59:00.001-07:00

I have some great news today. A good friend of mine started a blog of his own and it is amazing. It's a sports blog called "Better Than Solid". I told him that I would implore my readers (all 18 of you...we're growing! Isn't this exciting?) to check his blog out. Like I said, this blog is awesome so check it out: nothinbetterthansolid.blogspot.com or just click on the link on your left hand side. As you can see I've also added links to other blogs that are well written and humorous. Check 'em out!

R. Kelly Keeps It Real

2007-10-08T17:40:00.000-07:00

So it looks like R. Kelly has made a video for the song "Real Talk" from his legendary album "Double Up". Here's the video:

How awesome was that? First of all, that song is just ridiculous. He doesn't even try to rhyme or make any sense. I particularly liked how he was pouring himself some Patron. The un-braided hair was also a nice touch. While the entire video is entertaining, there is no denying that the best part is at the end when his buddies fight and R. Kelly slaps the camera. That reminded me of the time I had to slap a paparazzo that was taking pictures of me as I was leaving my apartment. As you would imagine, those pictures were published with a headline reading "Unemployed Sex Symbol Assaults Cameraman!!!" That sucked, and I can totally identify with the bullshit that R. Kelly and other stars have to deal with. Real Talk.

NEWSFLASH!!! Japan Still Kicks Ass!

2007-10-04T14:37:00.000-07:00

Wow, that's fucking cool. Given the high volume of amazing youtube videos that come from Japan, you would think that they just think up shit that they know will entertain Americans for hours. I'd like to know if it is even possible for anyone to successfully ride across the lake. I don't think Lance Armstrong could make it across, but he's half the man I am. Who gives a shit if he won the Tour De France like 100 times, he only has one testicle.

I got this video from WithLeather. It's an amazing sports blog written by legendary stud and extraordinary blogger, Matt Ufford. High quality shit.

The Legend of Dino-Breast: The Largest Fried Chicken Breast...EVER

2007-09-30T22:39:00.000-07:00

As you may or may not know, I have been buying boxes of frozen fried chicken from the liquor store across the street for quiet some time. Well the last time I purchased a box of fried chicken was about two weeks ago. Each box has about 6-8 random pieces. Well I ate the first six pieces of this most recent box and left the other two.

Fast forward to this past Friday. I was starving and felt like some chicken, so I figured that I would just polish off the last two pieces in the box. I pulled out one piece and was pleased to see a thigh, my favorite piece from the chicken. I'm all about the dark meat. Upon reaching back into the box for the other piece, I felt an unusually large mass. Without having seen the piece of chicken, I figured that the chicken had accumulated a big ass chunk of that icy shit that develops when food gets freezer burned. I tried to pull the chicken out to assess the damage of the freezer burn and make a decision as to whether or not I was going to eat the chicken. Only thing is, I had some trouble lifting the piece. It was heavy as fuck. I had to get my back into it. After considerable effort, I got the piece out. It was a breast, but not just any breast, it was the biggest fucking chicken breast ever. I swear to you, this thing was about the size of a football. Everyone knows that birds evolved from dinosaurs. This had to be a breast from some missing link between chickens and dinosaurs. It was the Dino-breast.

I was in awe. I love chicken, but I was torn as to whether or not I should eat Dino-breast. Should I save it and donate it to science? Should I keep it and make myself a fortune by going on tour with it, showing it off at county fairs and late night talk shows? It was a lot of responsibility at a time when I was really just trying to eat before I start to drink and go out. Seeing as I was trying to get intox, I decided to sleep on it and come to a decision in the morning. While I was out drinking at my local bar, I couldn't stop thinking about the giant chicken breast. It was consuming my entire night. When the bar closed, I was pretty drunk, but I was free to be with Dino-breast and think of things to do with it.

Me and my roommates stumbled into the apartment and I ran straight to the kitchen to see my prehistoric poultry. As soon as I grabbed the Dino-breast, the drunk munchies kicked in. My judgment became clear and I made a decision on the fate of Dino-breast. I was going to eat it. It would be exploitative and selfish of me to make money off Dino-breast, and donating it to science is something that a fucking nerd would do. Fuck that, I was going to eat it and take it's power and use that power to enhance my own legendary status. I took the Dino-breast and put it in the microwave. I set the microwave to 15 minutes on the "High" setting. It was going to take a lot to warm this fucker up, plus I needed time to catch my breath because lifting it and carrying it to the microwave took a lot out of me. If you think it's because I'm out of shape, then fuck you. That shit was heavy.

As I was about to take the Dino-breast out of the microwave, my female roommate walked in. Like most girls, she's all particular about what she eats and believes in fake ailments that you get from eating old food, like salmonella. She told me not to eat the chicken because it had been in the fridge forever. I ignored her because she doesn't know shit and I began to eat the Dino-breast.

(Before I go on, I have to assure you that the rest of this story is entirely true. All of this shit happened for real. Back to the story.)

Out of concern for my health, she ran over and grabbed the Dino-breast off my plate. I immediately charged toward her to get my chicken back. I stumbled into her and she grabbed me and we both fell to the floor. We rolled around fighting over the chicken like in the movies when they roll around fighting over a gun. I wrestled it away from her and began to munch on it. It was so delicious, but my pleasure was short lived. She grabbed the chicken from me again, but this time she threw the Dino-breast out the kitchen window. Keep in mind that I live on the second floor of an apartment in San Francisco. I ran downstairs with a flashlight to see if I could find the Dino-breast, but it was gone.

Just like that, a potentially life changing piece of chicken was gone. I get teary eyed when I think about how some shitty rat or crusty hobo ate my Dino-breast. Losing the Dino-breast was devastating, but like they say, it's better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all.

Endless Courage: The Tale of Dmitri Young

2007-08-31T11:04:00.000-07:00

Dmitri Young is now the All-Star 1st baseman for the Washington Nationals, however the road to stardom for Dmitri has been long and hard, like a Peter North erection.

Dmitri Young was an All-America at Rio Mesa High School in Oxnard, California. He was drafted in 1991 by the St. Louis Cardinals. He was expected to quickly work his way to the major leagues, but his minor league stint was longer than expected.

Dmitri made his Major League debut with the St. Louis Cardinals in 1996.
After one full season with the Cardinals, Young was traded to the Cincinnati Reds. Young began to make a name for himself in Cincinnati, batting over .300 in his four seasons with the Reds.

Before the 2002 season, Young was traded to the Detroit Tigers, where he would become a fan favorite. Fans called Young "D'Meathook". He even made the All-Star game in 2003. Dmitri was riding high. He had finally arrived.

Enter 2006. '06 was a rough year for Dmitri. He struggled with alcoholism, was released by the Detroit Tigers and was diagnosed with Diabetes. With his career seemingly over, Dmitri could have just given up, but Dmitri is an alcoholic, he doesn't know how to quit. Dmitri Young would go on to tryout for the Washington Nationals and earned starting 1st baseman job. Young went on to become the Nationals only representative at the 2007 All-Star Game.

Dmitri Young's courage is an inspiration to people from all walks of life, the epitome of the American success story. Here's to you Dmitri Young.

Dom, Where Are You? I Miss You Sunna...

2007-08-31T10:35:00.000-07:00

This post is a cry out to my good friend and HW&B reader Dominic. I never hear from him anymore and I worry sometimes. This is my open letter to Dom.

Dear Dom,

Where are you old friend? I saw that your facebook profile says you live in Manhattan Beach now? How is it?

I also noticed in some of your pictures that someone sucker punched you something serious. Jesus H. Christ, you really got molly-whopped. That looks more like you got kicked by a mule than sucker punched. I'd love to hear the story, I'm sure it's a good one. If I was with you, I would have beat that motherfucker like Jose Offerman beat up that one pitcher who beaned him.

How come I never hear from you? Is it because I never wrote that post about Dmitri Young? I am seriously about to write it right now.

Do you remember the time we went to that boring Jack Johnson concert and the best part was when security electrocuted that guy with a tazer-gun? That was awesome huh?
Or when we created our own college called "Tender State" in NCAA Football 2003? That was one hell of a team.

I admire the fact that you have four of those sweet New Era baseball caps with the black on the bottom of the brim. I admire you for having courageously kissed Lawrence Jackson's girlfriend a number of times.Lawrence Jackson

Dom, if you ever get a chance to read this, please give me a sign...or a text message or something. See ya buddy.

-Julien

Well that's my letter to Dom. If you think that way homo-erotic, then fuck you. You clearly don't understand friendship.

I'm Back!

2007-08-31T10:18:00.000-07:00

I know I haven't posted in over a month, but I was on vacation in Cancun and L.A., so I didn't get around to posting. Rest assured that I am back with a vengeance and you can expect to see daily posts. I am going to post at least two more times today, so check back periodically.

I Am Photogenic

2007-07-24T22:37:00.000-07:00

So I was just glancing over my pictures on facebook (yes I look at pictures of myself, you fuckers do it too) and I realized that I do not look my best in photographs. After a few minutes I saw a recurring theme in a lot of these less than flattering photos, and that theme is ~~drunkenness~~ happiness. Here are some of my finest moments in front of a digital camera:

This is me at one of my local bars in San Francisco. I am clearly hammered and it looks like I am being spanked by the bartender. Her name is Jenny.
This picture was taken on the same night as the previous photo. I am making a really creepy molester face that I cannot explain or defend. That shit is not cool.
This is just bad. I am clearly passing out. If you want an explanation, look no further than the bottle in my hand. That's right, Cisco. What's that? You've never heard of Cisco? Well read this and decide if you're ready to have a bottle or two.
This is a picture of me on New Year's Eve. I know what you're thinking..."Is that the black kid from "Angels In The Outfield?" Well I wasn't going to drop names, but yea that's the great American actor Milton Davis, or "JP" from "Angels In The Outfield". I am a hot mess in this photo. I've got the red face as well as the disheveled look going on. I believe there was champagne in that cup.
This picture was in Las Vegas. I know what it looks like, but that guy is not a sex worker, he is my good friend. Do you think cute Filipino boys just grow on trees in Vegas? OK that was a weird joke...withdrawn. Well anyway, we were loaded and wanted to take a funny picture. I think we succeeded.

Well that wraps up my display of drunken memories. Feel free to send me your own drunk pics and I'll do a post on all the pictures you guys send in.

Bikes Are For Wusses

2007-07-24T01:06:00.001-07:00

Since the age of 11, I've hated bicycles. Even when I enjoyed bikes, I was never enamored with the whole idea. I started to detest bikes as I got older because my bike was stolen, so I had to use my little brother's bike. In my neighborhood there were all of these huge ramp-like bumps on the sidewalks that were either from the earthquakes (I'm from L.A.) or tree roots that fucked up the sidewalk. Kids who were skilled with their bikes would always use these bumps as ramps and shit.

Due to the fact that I lacked bike skills and a bike that was more size appropriate, I used to eat shit whenever I'd ride over one of those bumps. I would stand up on the pedals as if I was about to do something sweet but I was never able to get that front tire up and I would hit the bump and go head over handlebars onto the pavement. One day I just got tired of the bullshit and began to hate bikes and any asshole that was older than 14 that would ride one.

Throughout the years I've had more than enough fuel to keep my bike hatred burning strong. Lance Armstrong and the Tour de France were huge sources of inspiration. I was kind of sad when Lance retired because I needed a poster-boy for shitty bike-riders nationwide.

San Francisco has a large population of bike riding dickweeds that have collectively filled the void left by Lance Armstrong. Driving in San Francisco is already a pain in the ass due to lack of parking, hills, and traffic. The people that ride bikes in this town just make things that much more difficult. These fuckers will take up a whole lane at times and then be pissed when you pass them. These people should have to ride on the sidewalk if they are too slow and can't keep up with the flow of traffic. They act like they are driving cars, yet they refuse to stop at stop signs. Next time I'm at a four way stop and one of those bike pedaling hippies doesn't stop, this is what's going down:

That's fucking right! Obey traffic laws, bow down to the superiority of automobiles and get on the fucking sidewalk or...die!

My Trip To Fisherman's Wharf

2007-07-12T19:58:00.000-07:00

Today I went on a trip to San Francisco's Fisherman's Wharf. Fisherman's Wharf is this place that is overrun by tourists. It's one of those places in a city that only tourists really go to. The only time I ever go there is to eat In-N-Out because it's the only one in the city.

Today I went because I had to buy one of those "I Heart SF" t-shirts for my cousin. Seeing as I've been starved for posting ideas, I figured I would kill two birds with one stone by mustering up some source material from the wharf. I was armed with a camera and took pictures of all kinds of shit. Fisherman's Wharf has a shitload of those little shops that sell useless shit that only tourists would ever want. Here are some pics of said merchandise.

Look at how stupid this shit is. A bunch of shot glasses with little fake criminals on them. I'm glad none of those little jailbirds were black because we would have had some problems with the storekeeper. I can totally picture some family visiting from somewhere in the mid-west just eating this shit up.

Yea, go for it! Dress your baby up as a convict, but don't be surprised when this becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy and your "Alcatraz Penitentiary Reject" starts holding up pharmacies. Also, way to set the bar nice and high for your child, we all wish our kids can one day be known as "Alcatraz Penitentiary Reject". Fuck any parent that dresses their kid in that bullshit.

If you don't think this is a badass jacket, then fuck you. Of all the things you can buy at the Wharf, this is by far the best. I almost bought this jacket. If I had it last week for the 4th, I would have had a much better day. I'm going to go back and buy that jacket when I'm not so broke.

Fisherman's Wharf also features a wide array of street performers. I got a couple pictures of today's standouts.

So this guy's whole gig was just standing still like that. That was it. I watched him for like five minutes and that's all he did. Sad thing is, he sucks and standing still. He moved like a million times in those five minutes that I spent watching him. Notice the Asian lady in the picture. She was hauling ass to avoid that guy.

This is one of those dudes that paints him self all silver and does the robot while making robot noises. There are like three of these guys on the Wharf. My guess is that this guy wasn't performing because everyone was down the street looking at the old gay magician who plays with the big silver rings.

Another attraction is the open air seafood market. You can just go up to these stands that sell clam chowder, shrimp cocktails, crab and all that shit. Here are some more photos.

This is where they cook the crab. That looks real fuckin' appetizing, don't it? The dude who was working that stand just left it totally abandoned. I could have put my balls in there and no one would have stopped me. What's to stop someone from spitting in that shit while it's unattended. That shit is gross, hell it looks like someone already pissed in there. I half-expected some kind of mini water monster to pop out of that shit, kind of like in that movie "Toys", when that killer water monster tries to kill Robin Williams and LL Cool J.

Here we have some pictures from the wax museum on the Wharf.

First of all, that top one looks nothing like ~~Jackie Chan~~ Yao Ming. Second, that wax statue of Barry Bonds could be better, but they did a perfect job of recreating Barry's super gay ear ring and what years of steroid use have done to the size and curvature of his head.

As you can tell by my collection of pictures, today's visit to Fisherman's Wharf was a devil of a good time.

My Post-4th of July Wrap Up

2007-07-05T22:21:00.000-07:00

Alright folks, this is my brief wrap up of the 4th of July, a celebration of everthing that makes America awesome. Great things like baseball, hot dogs, democracy,~~blow jobs, strippers, breast implants~~ women's suffrage, and Freedom. That's right, I capitalized the "F" in freedom, no typo. Overall, my 4th was bittersweet. I got to see an American kick Kobayashi's ass by eating 66 hot dogs in 12 minutes, but I was in San Francisco. 4th of July in San Fran is weak. They don't even have real fireworks here, I think they light organic corn husks that make little noises that sound like popcorn popping. Pretty wuss.

In any case, I had a nice relaxing day watching TV and doing a whole lot of nothing which was nice. At night I went to this hipster bar that has been described as "The Urban Outfitters of bars in the Mission District," so you could imagine the kind of crowd this place had. It was soul night there, which was funny because I watched a bunch of young white people dancing to soul music for a couple of hours. This was highly ironic to me given that this bar is in the Mission District, an area that was once highly populated by Latinos and Black people but all the hipsters with money moved in and all the non-whites had to move elsewhere. I got kind of drunk and danced a bit and had a good time. Overall, my 4th was satisfying despite the fact that I didn't blow anything up.

Will Ferrell In "Good Cop, Baby Cop"

2007-07-05T13:05:00.000-07:00

If you liked "The Landlord", starring Will Ferrell and the adorable Pearl McKay then you're gonna love this.
Good Cop, Baby Cop

Americans, Get Pumped!

2007-07-04T19:25:00.000-07:00

Here are some of the greatest speeches in American cinematic history. Sure to get you pumped up on this 4th of July.

What the fuck is up with the blue camo in Street Fighter? That shit would never help you unless you were fighting an entire army that was tripping on acid or some shit. Dumb ass Van Damme. WHO WANTS TO GO WITH ME!!! Bad ass...

Happy 4th of July...FUCK YEAH!

2007-07-04T11:00:00.000-07:00

Oh man am I psyched. It's 4th of July and I am loving it despite the fact that I'm in San Francisco, which is not the greatest place to celebrate the 4th. If you're like me and get a huge America-boner on the 4th, then here's a list of things that you can do to celebrate freedom, doing it big, and manifest destiny, the things that make America badass.

- Go to In-N-Out or any good burger joint and order a burger with more than 4 patties. Get it to go. When you get home start watching Discovery Channel or anything about third world countries while eating your huge, opulent burger. Be thankful that you are in America, not in some diamond mine, and that America takes everyone else's natural resources.

- Test the limits of your freedom by doing things in the name of America. Drink in public, wear a shirt with foul language on it, or anything else that would be questionable on a different day. If anyone bitches about it, call that asshole a freedom hater.

- Drink a lot of American liquor. Yes you can have Corona and Patron, Mexican liquor is OK due to NAFTA (North American Free Trade Agreement, for you non-educated folk).

- Gather up a group of friends and usurp as many small nations and municipalities as possible. Places like Micronesia and Liechtenstein would be ideal. If you really want to do it big you can take over The Vatican. That place only has like 900 people. Whatever land you choose to take, don't forget to bring an American flag because you're gonna need that shit to look all sweet once you kick the shit out of some small country.

- Aww fuck this, it's your freedom, do what you want. I'm no expert on freedom. Just make sure that whatever you do, do it big. Remember that being American means never having to say you're sorry...for anything. Happy 4th of July.

I Know More Stuff Than Stephen Hawking

2007-06-20T10:46:00.000-07:00

I am sorry that I haven't posted in over 2 weeks, but I've been studying a lot. I haven't been studying for my summer school classes or anything like that, I've been studying for a mental challenge. I am preparing to challenge Stephen Hawking to a trivia showdown. For those of you who don't know, Stephen Hawking is this old British guy in a wheelchair who discovered all kinds of shit about black holes. Here's a picture:
He knows a shitload of stuff about outerspace, but I can take him. Whenever I tell people that I'm going to challenge him, they all say shit like "How are you going to beat Stephen Hawking? He's the smartest ~~person~~ man in the world?" or "But Julien, you're a Sociology major, you don't know shit." Yeah, Yeah, I know already. While I may be a huge underdog, many people fail to realize that Stephen Hawking probably doesn't know a whole lot about non-sciency shit. Outerspace and Physics will only be a portion of the trivia. Do you think Stephen Hawking knows anything about sports, pop culture, cooking, or just how to live, period. I would kick his ass in all categories that don't have to do with science, or books that aren't "Hatchet" by Gary Paulsen, I fucking love that book. Do you think Hawking could ~~build~~ tell someone how to make a beer bong like the one pictured below?
FUCK NO. I Win. The categories would include: Sports, Movies, Food, Beer, Black Holes, Science, Music, College Mascots, Sociology, World History, Dinosaurs, and Women. I figure that these are all fair categories becuase they are things that me and Stephen both like. If he doesn't like any of them, he can fuck himself, if he's a genius, he should be able to figure shit out. I will win this thing. I still need to come up with a prize for the winner, but I'd be just fine with being recognized as the guy who is smarter than Stephen Hawking. People will come up to me and be like "Julien, you're so smart that it makes me cry when I read books because I'll never be like you no matter how much I read." I would like that.

Congrats Sir, You Are Past Your Prime

2007-06-03T23:41:00.000-07:00

Today I went to the Union Street Festival with my bff (Best Friend Forever, for those of you who are not familiar with internet acronyms) Rob, his girlfriend, and a friend of hers. Union Street festival is this annual event in San Francisco where they close down Union street and fill it with beer gardens, food stands, and a shitload of stands with people who sell useless shit. It's a pretty cool event because there are tons of people drinking and all the bars on Union are packed. As you could imagine, there was a high concentration of off-field talent. However, whenever there are a lot of good looking girls, there are sure to be douchebags in hot pursuit.

The Union Street festival was packed with assholes sporting tribal tattoos, tight designer t-shirts, and sunglasses that only a Persian would think were cool. This is to be expected, so it doesn't phase me, but this time there were a lot of old guys sporting this look. A bunch of old guys who are over the hill. I'm going to break it down for you:

If you have frosted hair and 12 year old grandkids...Congratulations, you are past your prime.

If you have to cancel dates with a 23 year old waitress to make an emergency visit to your chiropractor...Congratulations, you are past your prime.

If you have danced to "This Is Why I'm Hot" in a club or bar while washing down your Centrum pill with a cold one...Congratulations, you are past your prime.

If you can't drink too much because you're taking Flomax to help urinary difficulties such as going often, going urgently, weak stream and frequently waking up at night to go...Congratulations, you are past your prime.

Now I know it sounds like I am being a sourpuss over old "hip" men pulling girls in my age range, but that's not the case. I understand that this is the way it works. Women like to have some level of security in a man, and I cannot offer that, seeing as I eat microwavable fried chicken that I buy from the liquor store across the street. As much as I hate to admit, I know that once I establish myself financially at the age of 49, I'll be in bars trying to pull women half my age. It sounds pretty nasty when you put it that way. Maybe I'll just get to making money sooner.

Julien Went To A Nice Restaurant....I Guess

2007-06-03T22:47:00.000-07:00

So I went out to dinner at this "hip" Italian restaurant in the North Beach district of the city. I don't usually go out to those kinds of places unless it's a date, but my good friend Dom was visiting San Francisco, so it wasn't just any other night. Usually I'll just eat Popeye's or some hot-wings because it's cheaper and I like that shit better.

The restaurant was called "Pan De Rei" which I think means "bread of kings" in Italian, but I'm not sure about that. Anyways, this place was pretty good but not fit for a king, this place was too cramped. Kings like space and shit, you know so they can stretch out after eating a turkey leg or whatever. I was with Dom, a couple of his buddies from USC, and a friend of mine from San Francisco who happens to be the sister of one Dom's buddies that is with us, let's call her Rachel.

So we're ordering drinks and enjoying the bread with oil and balsamic vinegar and two of Rachel's friends meet up with us. I'm friends with one of them while the other I've seen around at parties and shit, but I couldn't tell you her name. The girl who I didn't know annoyed me right off the bat as she kept trying to sit in Dom's seat next to me while he was in the bathroom. There were like 3 other open seats. I doubt it was because she thought I was cute because this girl was part Asian or something and I am pretty sure Asian girls are afraid of me. So she settles for the seat across from me and Dom and she starts pouring salt and pepper in the fucking oil and vinegar dish for the bread...WHAT THE FUCK? Shouldn't you have some consideration for the people at this side of the table who might want to take their bread without a shitload of salt and pepper? I just watched in awe as she kept doing it throughout the night, and this wasn't a little bit of salt and pepper, it was a fucking ton. There was more salt and pepper in that little dish than in Queen Elizabeth's panties, if you catch my drift. I just ordered a mojito and got over it. I wasn't in the mood to call anyone out while I was trying to enjoy Dom's company since I hadn't seen him in like 6 months.

After I decided to ignore the annoying girl, I got to looking at the menu and I settled on the squid ink pasta with wine sauce. It sounded good to me. At this point I am really enjoying myself despite the salt and pepper girl. When they served us our food, I was surprised to see that the pasta was black. People were like "haven't you seen squid ink pasta?" No, I have not, I'm not a worldly guy. I mostly eat different kinds of chicken for dinner, and when I want to treat myself I drive 15 minutes to the Mission district for carne asada tacos, so anything with marine cephalapod discharge is new to me. Well the pasta was delicious. It came with a shitload of seafood in there, clams and all that good shit. While my tasty food, I also noticed the amount of off-field talent (girls) in the restaurant. A lot of good looking girls were in there, patrons and waitresses alike. I was having a great time.

Between the good food and the abundance of good looking girls, I began to think that I should go to places like this more often. This all ended when this douchebag waiter who was pretending to be Italian starts yelling to get everyone's attention. What the fuck did this guy have to say that was so important that everyone paying $19 for glorified Chef Boyardee needed to hear it? It was someone's birthday. It was some girl in the restaurant's 23rd birthday. Yippeee! The fake Italian insisted that everyone sing happy birthday, which only pissed me off further. I would gladly sing for a little kid or a 21st birthday, but 23? C'mon! If there was any consolation prize, the girl had pretty nice boobs, so when she stood up during the birthday song to accept her Tiramisu, I just didn't sing and looked at her boobs. Don't even think about calling me a jerk, she was wearing a very low cut top. She wants people to look at that shit. Well anyway, I guess it's just going to be Popeye's from now on, unless I'm on a date or decide that I want to spend $30 on some pretty good pasta and a mojito that is just a shitload of lime juice and mint leaves with less than a shot of Rum. Yea that sounds tremendous.

10 Reasons Why I Love America So Much

2007-06-02T12:12:00.000-07:00

I fucking love America. I love America so much for more reasons than I can count, so I decided on ten good ones. These aren't the 10 biggest reasons for me loving America, just 10 that I thought about just now. Let's do this shit.

10. Being an American means that I can go to any foreign country and take a dump in the bathroom of just about any store and not have to buy anything.

9. America has it's own Superhero, Captain America. What other country has a superhero named after it? Could you imagine a "Captain France"? That shit would be weak, he would go around smoking cigs,eating crepes and just be a total pussy. Not like Captain America.

8. You can eat a breakfast burrito to start the day, In-N-Out (or some other delicious burger) for lunch, and Sushi or some other fantastic foreign food for dinner. You can't do that in any other country.

7. Buffalo Wings.

6. American Football. No other country really plays it (sorry Canada), and I totally understand why. Would any other country let their kids take part in this kind of sport: Yea I don't think football is going to catch on anywhere else, and that's just the way I like it.

5. Having Mexico to the south is awesome. It's like if you could have unprotected sex using someone else's genitalia. That way you could have sex with as many questionable people as you want without getting AIDS or anything. No consequences. That's what going to Mexico is like. Mexico is using someone else's shlong.

4. No other country could spawn two religions that are undeniable and complete horse shit, Mormonism and Scientology. Dudes just made both religions up. While I don't support either faith and the bullshit that comes from them i.e. those Mormon dudes on the bikes and the movie "Battlefield Earth", I admire the American brand of freedom that allows you to invent a religion but doesn't allow butt sex in some states. Does any of it make sense? Fuck no it doesn't.

3. R. Kelly. He couldn't get away with this shit anywhere else.

2. No other country has the stones to make the movie "Baby Geniuses".

1. This video captures just about everything I love about America in just over 2 minutes. Fuck Yeah.

R. Kelly Is On Fire

2007-05-31T18:05:00.001-07:00

As you should know by know if you follow this blog at all, R. Kelly's new album "Double Up" was released on Tuesday. R. Kelly has taken the youtube route to promote this album. Here is a commercial for the album.
Is it just me or did he forget about "Piss on You"? You would think that such a powerful commercial, coupled with the lead single "I'm A Flirt" would be more than enough promotion for the album. Think again. Robert Sylvester Kelly is also posting short videos of himself doing regular things like eating cookies. That wasn't a joke, he actually posted a video of himself eating a cookie and talking about how good it is. See for yourself:
You have got to be fucking with me. What the fuck was that? How is this supposed to make people excited about the album? He has to know something we don't because I refuse to believe that he can be that stupid naturally. I just won't accept that.

So I Like Rick Astley. What of it?

2007-05-29T16:44:00.001-07:00

Rick Astley is a badass. Rick Astley sings badass songs like "Never Gonna Give You Up" and "Together Forever". Oh, you haven't heard any of his songs? Well here's the video for "Never Gonna Give You Up".

Oh what's that? That video was gay? No, no it was not. OK so that one effeminate black bartender was a bit iffy, but that song is fucking tremendous. I mean, they did their best to make Rick Astley look like a pussy in this video but to no avail, his manful power comes through in his voice. His manfulness also shows in his lack of dancing skills. He does the same goofy move throughout the entire video. Am I saying that it is unmanly to be able to dance well? Not at all. I am saying that it can be unmanly for a white guy to dance too well and as you can see, Rick does not have this problem. Fuck the dancing, the song is badass and I have little respect for any so-called man who can't appreciate the musical styling of Rick Astley. Anyways, all I'm trying to say is that I love Rick Astley's music. I sing the shit out of his songs when I do karaoke. Fuck songs like "Don't Stop Believing" and "Paradise City", Rick Astley is what's up at the karaoke bars. He has a powerful voice that one would never expect to come from a white Brit, this makes Rick legendary in my book.

No, You Can't Fucking Play! Wait Your Fucking Turn!

2007-05-25T18:28:00.000-07:00

You know what drives me up the fucking wall? I'll tell you. It really chaps my ass when I'm at a bar playing pool or waiting to play and a drunk girl or two stumble in and say, "Heyyyy can we play?" Well yes you can play, after you wait your fucking turn. Why is it that this kind of drunk girl can't understand that other people are waiting to play? Last night I watched this happen and it was killing me. I've seen it way too many times. Whenever someone tells them that they can't play, they always get all whiny and ask if they can shoot for you.

Last night some dude allowed the drunk girl to play for him. I wanted to beat the shit out of this guy for 3 reasons: #1 you don't let stupid drunk girls fuck up the line and piss off those who are waiting. It's inconsiderate. #2 You can't let her play or cut even if you are flirting with her because it only encourages this kind of behavior, plus you're not going to get any tang from her because you let her play pool. #3 This girl was ass ugly and this dude was just douchy in general. This also reminds me of all the girls who wanted free keg cups for beer at parties that me and my roommates used to throw. Random girls who I didn't know would always ask for a free cup. I would tell them shit like "Why the fuck would I give you a free cup? I don't even know you. I just charged my Mom for a keg cup, so you can forget about a free one." Some people just don't understand.

Music Review: R. Kelly's "Double Up"

2007-05-24T19:03:00.000-07:00

The time has come. I have finally gotten to hear the legendary album that has been the subject of much speculation in two previous posts. That album is "Double Up" by the legendary R. Kelly. This album does not disappoint. "Double Up" is hysterical from beginning to end. If you enjoyed "Trapped In The Closet" then you're in for a treat because Kells only upped the ante for this album. The lyrics on this album are fucking ridiculous. You can't help but to laugh out loud at almost all of the lyrics. It makes me wonder if R. Kelly is a complete idiot or if he is just one step ahead of us. Sometimes I think it's a little bit of both.

The highlights of the album include, "Leave Your Name", "The Zoo", "Real Talk" and "Sex Planet". "Leave Your Name" is a song that is pretty much about how much R. Kelly drinks. He talks about how he gets so "blasted off that Hennessey" that he can't even answer the phone. Here's the chorus:

"Leave your name right after the beep and I'm sure to get back with you if I'm not asleep or smokin' on some trees or having a little sex or if I'm not faded or making a baby"

Pretty direct. R. Kelly doesn't answer the phone if he's sleeping, smoking marijuana, drunk, and having sex to conceive or otherwise.

"The Zoo" is a track about having passionate sex like the animals do. The highlight of this song has to be the monkey and elephant sounds in the chorus, along with this gem of a line:

"I got you so wet, it's like a rain forest, like Jurassic Park, except I'm your Sexasaurus."

"Real Talk" is just this song where he's having an intense argument with his significant other and he gets really pissed off and says things like this:

"The next time your ass get horny, go fuck one of your funky ass friends. Hell you're probably doing that shit anyway."

He then packs up his shit and someone named Milton drives him home.

"Hook It Up" is actually a cool song without any ridiculous lyrics. It's going to be one of the big hits of this summer off the strength of an infectious chorus and a pretty strong beat by Kanye West.

This album is highly entertaining. Is it good music? Hell no, but it's still a devil of a good time. "Double Up" is a roller coaster of an album that will make you laugh, cry, scratch your head, and feel like someone pissed in your ears all at the same time. I highly recommend it.

I'm Back/A College Graduate

2007-05-21T19:30:00.000-07:00

Alright, I know I've been slacking on the blog as of late, but I had finals and shit so quit bitching. I was kind of busy and then I graduated, which was pretty cool. I still have 12 credits to complete this summer, but it's pretty cool to have gotten the graduation experience out of the way and now I can take these 12 credits and be done with everything as opposed to waiting till Fall graduation for my ceremony.

Graduation was this past Friday. I had to be at school at about 11:15 for the 12:00 PM ceremony. It was total bullshit because all I did during that time was put on the funny part of my gown that I couldn't figure out. The 45 minutes were spent talking to my life partner/roommate, Rob, about how we should have brought beer to the atrium before we had to go in the church for the ceremony. I'm sure someone would have bitched about it, but I saw some girls drinking champagne, so I would have made a huge scene if anyone bitched at me without calling out the girls with the cheap champagne. While observing the girls who were pissing me off by doing what I wished I had done, I also noticed some highly decorated graduates. Some had a bunch of shit draped on them to commemorate all of the hard work (ass kissing) they did during their college careers. I had nothing. Rob didn't either, so I felt better about myself. However, I did find out that I could have gotten a poncho-looking thing for being Latino, as well as a green ribbon for being a sociology major.

After the 45 minutes passed, it was time for the big show. The speaker was alright, our valedictorian was the shortstop on the baseball team and he gave one of the most awful speeches I've ever heard. The only speech I've seen in person that irked me more was when I was at this funeral and a step-son gave a really half-assed speech about his stepmother who had passed. That doesn't put our valedictorian in great company as you would imagine. Everything that happened between walking into the church and me getting my empty diploma cover was boring except for the part when the speaker said "Jew" three times in like a minute and I wanted to laugh real badly. He just kept saying it and it had nothing to do with the graduation, USF is a Jesuit school. Anyway, when they were calling out people's names, they had us line up and right before taking the stage you take a couple of pictures in front of a backdrop and then you shake hands with Father Privett, the president of the University, and grab your diploma cover. Here are the pictures I took:

OK, so this is a typical goofy smile that I crack from time to time, accompanied with my trademark backward lean. I don't know why I take pictures like this other than the fact that I'll take goofy/joker look over the potential disaster of being caught in a weird looking face during a picture that will be seen for a long time.

As you can see, this one is in front of an American flag. They also had a generic backdrop for foreigners and America-hating hippies who may want a picture sans flag. For that pic, I decided to employ a different strategy.

All business. I'm clearly not fucking around. Now give me my fucking diploma and let me get the hell out of here. That's what I'm about in this picture. Just let me hit that stage and shake Father Privett's hand. I had told myself that I was going to squeeze the shit out of Father Privett's hand when I got up there. He was going to remember me. Here's the photo.

Father Privett was dressed up like Jaffar, the villain from the Aladdin movie. As you can see, I'm smiling while I am approaching him for the handshake. I am really just buttering him up for a very painful and manly handshake, the likes of which he had never experienced from any butter-soft USF students, you see I'm a different breed. He was probably thinking:

"Oh look at the smile on this young fellow. He looks like a nice young man...OOOOOUUUUUUCH. MARY MOTHER OF JOSEPH! That was a firm and devastating handshake. Wow, that really hurt. Julien Rodriguez, I will forever remember you as the firmest handshake I have ever suffered through."

I saw all of that when I looked into his eyes. Fear, intense physical pain, and admiration. Well that pretty much sums up my graduation experience. Now I just have to endure a summer of classes to get my diploma. Shouldn't be too difficult.

Bobby Brown is Afraid of Wanton "Sex Moves"

2007-05-14T20:54:00.000-07:00

I honestly have no idea what the hell this show is. All I know is that it's Bobby Brown's crazy ass and a white British dude whose sexual orientation is ambiguous (don't most British men seem that way?). Well anyway here's the clip.

Bobby is a wild motherfucker ain't he? I really don't get that guy. For a guy who was once known for doing some pretty lewd "sex moves" on stage, he didn't handle any of that gracefully. I can only imagine what has happened to him all those times in prison. In any case, it's his prerogative. Wow, I can't believe I just slipped in a "My Prerogative" reference. I apologize for that.

R. Kelly Is A Trickster

2007-05-13T23:18:00.000-07:00

You may or may not know that I have already done a post about R.Kelly's upcoming album, "Double Up". In that post I reviewed the track listing and offered some thoughts on the titles. Well it appears that Kells had tossed us a curve ball and has changed things up a bit, electing to piss on the previously published list. Here are the songs that did not appear on the first listing.

"Get Dirty" is a collaboration with Chamillionaire. Nothing too crazy here. The true standouts of the new track listing are "The Zoo" and "Sex Planet". I cannot wait to hear both of these songs. Knowing R. Kelly, "The Zoo" is going to have plenty of references to how he fucks like a beast or something. Don't be surprised if he goes all the way and makes direct references to bestiality. "Sex Planet" has to be a classic. I'm hoping that it is about R. Kelly getting stranded on some far away planet where all he does is have sex with the alien life forms. I'm betting that he actually makes this song a satirical stab at the Bush administration. Another new track is "Rise Up" which is a tribute to the victims of the Virginia Tech shootings. I hope he does this appropriately, but we all know that propriety is not one of Robert Sylvester Kelly's hallmarks. At this point, I'd be satisfied as long as he doesn't stage an encounter with the shooter, Seung-Hui Cho, which ends with Kelly pissing on Cho.

GOB Bluth, A Great Fictional Character

2007-05-09T10:13:00.000-07:00

GOB Bluth is one of the main characters on the greatest TV show ever made, Arrested Development. GOB is a magician, womanizer, and leader. Here is a collection of some of his finest moments on the show.

The Spirit of Truth Is Back!

2007-05-07T17:27:00.000-07:00

For those of you who know me, you know I love The Spirit of Truth. This is a guy who had a public access TV show in L.A. He claims to be God, and as you can imagine, he's bat shit crazy. Here are a couple of the newest videos to hit the interweb.

You gotta love it. God loves him some gangsta rap. If you want to see more of this guy just do a youtube search for "Spirit of Truth" or "Rev. X".

David Hasselhoff's Still Got It

2007-05-04T14:52:00.000-07:00

Entertainment Tonight will be showing a video of David Hasselhoff drunk on this evening's show. The video was recorded by his 16 year-old daughter. Supposedly, the Hoff is a recovering alcoholic and he had instructed his kids to film him if he ever fell off the wagon and got drunk again so that he could see the video once he sobered up, that way he could learn from his mistakes. Here's a preview of the video.

Holy shit, he just looked a mess. That was pretty low. Could you imagine being an over the hill American TV actor turned German Pop sensation that is piss drunk on the floor scarfing down a feast that included sliced ham and a filet-o-fish sandwich, all while your daughter films you and does her best to ruin an otherwise decent buzz? Pretty fucked up if you ask me.

Floyd Mayweather Hates De La Hoya, Loves Money

2007-05-02T12:29:00.000-07:00

If you haven't noticed already, HBO is hyping the shit out of the Oscar De La Hoya Vs. Floyd Mayweather Jr. fight. For the last three weeks they have been playing a half hour long show called "De La Hoya/Mayweather 24/7". It's been airing on Sunday nights after Entourage. Basically this show follows the fighters' respective camps in the weeks leading up to the fight. I have to hand it to HBO, this show has gotten me pretty pumped up about a fight that I would have been marginally interested in otherwise. Here is a clip of Floyd at a photo shoot for the fight.

"My name is Floyd, my name is Floyd, my name is mo-ney May-weather." That shit is too good. This guy is pretty entertaining even if he is ridiculous. I haven't been this entertained by ridiculous behavior since I saw the president of my University, who happens to be a priest, watching softcore porn in the library. Yea that didn't happen, I totally made it up.

Slow Week

2007-05-02T12:25:00.000-07:00

I'm sorry for not having posted anything in the last five days. I've just been gearing up for the stretch run before finals come. I'll still be posting, but don't be surprised if I don't update regularly. The picture is just up there because I think it's funny.

Midget Humor is Universal

2007-04-26T17:47:00.000-07:00

Here is a nice clip of a Filipino midget named Weng Weng beating the shit out of a bunch of people. Enough from me, I'll let the video do the talking.
It doesn't get much better than that. How ridiculous was that song that started playing when the midget walked in? It was like "he's the man I'm longing to hold, he's the man I LOOOOOOOOOVE!" Bad ass. You can expect more Weng Weng clips in the future, don't you worry about that.

Will Ferrell Is Pumped About The Draft

2007-04-26T17:38:00.000-07:00

Here is a priceless video of Will Ferrell trying to get by former USC center and potential 1st round draft pick, Ryan Kalil. Enjoy.
Jesus, that guy is hysterical. I'm glad that he's been keeping us all happy by doing little sketches between movies.

R. Kelly Is Back In A Big Way

2007-04-25T09:40:00.000-07:00

Hot Wings and Beer favorite, R. Kelly, has a new album coming out called "Double Up". Here is the cover and track listing:
1. Double Up
OK, nothing too sketchy about that one
2. Sticky Panties
Here we go. R.Kelly getting straight to the point with this song title. If I need to explain this one to you, please stop reading this blog and experience life.
3. I’m A Flirt
This is the first single. You can watch the ridiculous video after the track list.
4. Rock Star
Yes you are a rock star, Robert.
5. Pull Ya Hair
Let me guess, is he pulling a lady's hair while having sex? DING DING DING!
6. Blow It Up
Knowing The R., this could mean anything from having explosive sex to actually blowing something up in a song. I wouldn't put either one past him.
7. Good Sex
Pretty self explanatory.
8. Sweet Tooth
This must be about oral sex.
9. Leave Your Name
I'm guessing that this is a song about sexual voice mail messages. Vintage Kelly.
10. Freaky In The Club
Pretty simple, kind of a letdown.
11. Havin’ A Baby
I hope he talks about more than just conception. I would love to hear Kells talk about child rearing. I could also see this as a concept song where Kelly sings from the 1st person view of a sperm.
12. Real Talk
I'm guessing that this is his tough guy song.
13. Rollin
Car song.
14. The Champ
This song will probably be R. Kelly bragging and combining all the manfulness of the first 13 tracks into one braggadocios song.

I can't wait to hear this album. This guy is in the same class as Gary Busey and Mike Tyson on the crazy scale. You could report just about anything about R. Kelly and I would believe it. I could see him making songs on just about anything and this track list looks highly promising. I hope he does a song with black kids singing the chorus again like "I Wish". Not for me, but for my buddy Seth who likes any song that has black kids singing the chorus.

Here is the video for "I'm A Flirt".

Colorado State Football Ruined A 4 Year-Old Kid

2007-04-24T10:16:00.000-07:00

What the fuck did CSU think was gonna happen when they let little kids roam the sidelines. Rule of thumb, kids who are under the age of 11 are all stupid. They don't know shit. They believe in ridiculous shit like the tooth fairy and fairness. It was clearly that kid's fault, I mean who wouldn't want to pay attention to some live Division 1 college football? I don't give a shit if he's 4, it's quality football. That guy made a hell of a catch before he nailed the kid, but that little shit didn't even notice. I'll bet that kid grows up to do some weird artsy shit like interpretive dance or miming because he clearly has no interest in competitive sports.

Michael Jordan Is Getting Over It

2007-04-24T10:03:00.000-07:00

As you can see, this is a picture of Michael Jordan dancing with some young ladies at who knows what bar. For those of you who don't know, MJ is getting the business end of the most expensive divorce ever. He was forced to pay his ex-wife, Juanita, 150 million dollars. FUCK. If I had to fork that kind of money over, you'd see me doing a hell of a lot worse than Mike in this picture. I think I'd be playing Russian Roulette with a chimp while getting blown by someone, anyone really. I'd be saying "fuck it" on both fronts if I lost 150 Mil.

Inside Manny's Mind: The Blue Jays

2007-04-23T21:41:00.000-07:00

Fucking shit man. When is this game going to end? Lets see, it's the top of the 9th and we're down 5-3. OK, that's not too bad. I hope I'm not due up in the bottom of the inning. I'm too hungry to hit, seriously, I'm useless to Terry right now. Christ, I need something to eat in a big way. I wish that guy sitting up on the monster hadn't dropped his crab cake on the warning track. If it had hit the grass I totally would have ate it. That was a shame. I wish Romero could just get us out of this inning so that we can wrap this up. Oh shit, Terry's bringing Timlin in. That's cool,he'll take care of this shit. Who the fuck is that guy at the plate? Let me ask Coco.

Manny: Hey Coco, who is that guy batting?
Coco Crisp: It's Vernon Wells.
Manny: You sure about that man? I don't think so.
Coco: I'm positive Manny.
Manny: Doesn't look like him to me.
Coco: You're joking right? They only have 2 black dudes and the other one is Frank Thomas and that definitely isn't Thomas.
Manny: True, it must be a black kid that they called up from the minors or something.
Coco: No it's not.
Manny: Agree to disagree.

What the hell is Coco's problem. That guy is so uptight. Always diving for balls and shit, just relax bro. He almost killed himself when A-Rod hit that homer on Friday. That shit was hysterical. Oh shit, this black guy just knocked one to center field. He's rounding second, I should be able to get a good look at his face. Yup that's Wells, Coco was right.

Manny: Hey Coco, you were right. That was Vernon. My bad.
Coco: Fuck you!
Manny: What did I do?

I swear that guy has a menstrual cycle. He can be real cool sometimes, but not today. Looks like Timlin has his work cut out. Man on third with no outs. Good luck with that Mike. I think I'm going to get some ice cream once this game ends. Some Chunky Monkey would be fantastic. Oh shit, Timlin got two outs. I didn't even notice. I guess I was pretty deep in that Chunky Monkey daydream. Who's up now? Scoreboard says Aaron Hill. I don't even know who the fuck Aaron Hill is. Timlin should be able to handle him. Alright, Timlin's got him down 0-2. Lets do this Mikey. OK fly ball. The ball's still in the air but I think Coco's got it. It's still going, going, going OOOOOOHHHHHH FUUUUUUUUCK. Wonderful. We're down 7-3. Shit. I just want to go home man. OK fuck yeah, Royce Clayton is up. This guy is fucking awful. OK he grounded out to third. Almost home.

Bottom of the 9th

Let me ask Terry if I can go get some candy or something.

Manny: Hey Terry, I'm starving. Can I go get some cotton candy?
Terry Francona: No Manny, you're due up third.
Manny: No shit?
Terry: No Shit.
Manny: UUUGGGHHHH.

I'm so hungry, so tired. I can't perform like this, let alone come up with a big hit in the bottom of the 9th. Lets see what these guys do. Youkilis is up, easy out. Ground out to third. Beautiful. Ortiz is up. This could complicate things. Oh shit, he grounded out to third too. I guess I had better mix it up. I'm not even going to swing. Alright Frasor, gimme some strikes so we can all go home. I'm not gonna chase anything out of the zone and look like a jackass, please just throw it over the plate. Stike one. Good start. Strike two, man I love this fucking guy. I'm gonna ask Theo if he can trade for this guy. Alright Frasor, you've got me down now finish me off. Ball. What the fuck man? Alright 1-2 count. 1-2 is right, right? I always forget which comes first, balls or strikes. I think it's alphabetical so the balls go first. Ball two. I don't like this guy anymore. 2-2 count, shitty. Alright, he's winding up...strike three. Fuck yeah, OK Manny, don't act excited. Act like you're pissed. Yea that's good. I can finally get something to eat. I'm gonna go ask JD Drew if he has any more of those Cliff bars. Those shits are tasty.

Gary Busey Has It All Figured Out Pt. 3

2007-04-21T18:45:00.000-07:00

Here is some more Busey insanity. This here is a clip of Gary on a Swedish TV show called "High Chaparral". I have no idea why people in Sweden would be interested in Busey but who gives a shit, the video is entertaining.

Pretty Self Explanatory

2007-04-19T20:46:00.001-07:00

Matthew McConaughey Can Act Real Good

2007-04-19T19:19:00.000-07:00

Were you aware that Matthew McConaughey's first credited acting role was in a re-enactment on "Unsolved Mysteries"? Well here it is. He first appears about half way through the clip, so skip on through if you want to get right to it.
That show was tremendous. Who knew that an unknown kid from Texas would go from "Unsolved" to doing amazing work in films like How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days, Two For The Money, Sahara and the list goes on and on. Crazy ain't it?

Dos Equis (XX) Has The Right Idea

2007-04-18T19:18:00.000-07:00

Dos Equis Beer, you know the Mexican one with the two "X" label, has a new ad campaign and it kicks ass. Fuck that's a good commercial. I want to be like that guy. Man that shit was cool. I am seriously going to the store and buying a 12-pack of Dos Equis as soon as I publish this post. I can taste it already, man that is some good marketing. Good marketing strategies get my dick hard. Awww fuck, now I'm horny and thirsty for beer. I'm in a jam, gotta figure this out. I'll get back to you guys on this one.

Adam Dunn: Living Legend

2007-04-17T20:19:00.000-07:00

Cincinnati Reds outfielder Adam Dunn is the most manful baseball player in the Big Leagues. His legendary home runs are impressive enough to earn him the status of a minor deity. He has Herculean might. His hair is strong and thick, yet soft and smooth. His hair is so soft that former Reds outfielder, Wily Mo Pena is convinced that Dunn's hair is actually the finest silk from the orient. Wily Mo keeps a lock of Dunn's golden hair in his locker at Fenway Park. Wikipedia has chronicled some of Dunn's legends:

In 2004 Dunn hit an estimated 535-foot home run off of the Los Angeles Dodgers' José Lima that cleared the stands at Great American Ball Park, bounced on Mehring Way and finally came to rest on driftwood in the Ohio River. It ranks as one of the longest home runs of the last 30 years and has been rumored to be both the longest recorded shot in Major League Baseball history and, since the Ohio-Kentucky border was defined to be at lower water mark of the Ohio River in 1793, it might also be the first home run to cross a state line in flight. Another Dunn home run struck during the 2006 season hit a car passing by the ballpark on Mehring Way. Reportedly, the owner retrieved the ball and has not come forward.

Adam Dunn does things like this almost every day, but many of his legendary feats go unreported. This is why I am going to post every day that Dunn does something awesome that the sports media fails to recognize. Today is one of those days.

Adam Dunn went 1 for 5 with an RBI and 3 strikeouts today in the Reds' game against the Milwaukee Brewers. A pretty unremarkable day...from a baseball standpoint. What most people don't know is that Dunn's 3 strikeouts had absolutely nothing to do with the pitching. When Adam Dunn was in the dugout, he developed an intense rivalry with a bumble bee who had attempted to sting him. When the bee saw Dunn reaching for his bat, it flew out of the dugout and hovered around the on-deck circle and began to taunt Dunn. This infuriated Dunn. He couldn't wait to step into the batter's box and get his revenge.

The first time Dunn went to the plate to kill the bee, he swung at his enemy with total disregard for the pitcher who struck him out on three pitches. Dunn failed to kill the bee on his first attempt and on his second attempt as well. Enter round three. Dunn stepped into the batter's box and looked into the eyes of the villainous bee for the third time in five innings. Dunn took two swings that grazed the bee and left it hobbled. The bee had lost its quickness and was dazed. While the bee hovered in Dunn's strike zone, he uncorked a third and final swing that launched the bee into orbit. As Dunn admired his amazing swing, the umpire rang him up, strike three. Dunn simply smiled and said "You have no idea. He then sauntered over to the dugout and drank the rest of his Beer-flavored Gatorade. Dunn may have struck out three times to kill that bee, but it was worth it. He settled the score.

Welcome To My World

2007-04-17T10:56:00.000-07:00

Here is an AIM conversation between me and one of my best friends. For those of you who don't know me personally, this conversation is a glimpse of the real me. The man behind the "Juice" persona of Hot Wings and Beer.

Juicemanji (10:28:02 PM): HEY DICKHOUSE
Juicemanji (10:28:13 PM): DICKSWAMP
Juicemanji (10:28:20 PM): DICKVALLEY
StrvnMrvnJ (10:30:21 PM): you fucking sloppy ass
StrvnMrvnJ (10:30:54 PM): whats up you herpes haven
StrvnMrvnJ (10:31:02 PM): that one was a stretch
Juicemanji (10:31:00 PM): nothing much
StrvnMrvnJ (10:32:04 PM): dickswamp, that is priceless kid
Juicemanji (10:31:36 PM): thanks
Juicemanji (10:31:57 PM): I like Dick valley too because it sounds like "Death Valley" only it's with dicks.
StrvnMrvnJ (10:33:21 PM): that's not a place you'd want to find yourself on a hot day
Juicemanji (10:33:30 PM): No sir.
StrvnMrvnJ (10:34:34 PM): dickswamp makes me think of swamp thing too - that guy is fucking grotesque
Juicemanji (10:34:31 PM): his dick must be the nastiest shit you'd ever see.
Juicemanji (10:34:44 PM): It's probably a giant leech or something
StrvnMrvnJ (10:35:18 PM): imagine what comes out of it
StrvnMrvnJ (10:35:23 PM): i am shuddering over here
Juicemanji (10:35:17 PM): toxic waste probably comes out of the swamp thing's dick
StrvnMrvnJ (10:36:34 PM): and nuclear bacteria
StrvnMrvnJ (10:36:47 PM): who knows what they put in those swamps
Juicemanji (10:36:25 PM): while were on the subject, I wonder what comes out of Grimace's dick
Juicemanji (10:36:52 PM): Grimace is the purple guy who kicks it with Ronald McDonald and The Hamburglar.
StrvnMrvnJ (10:38:45 PM): chicken nuggets i think
Juicemanji (10:38:55 PM): If his dick did shoot out chicken mcnuggets, would you blow Grimace?
Juicemanji (10:39:22 PM): You had to see that question coming.
StrvnMrvnJ (10:40:52 PM): haha
StrvnMrvnJ (10:41:13 PM): i set you up for that one well and good
Juicemanji (10:41:17 PM): I would do it just to see what Don Imus would call me. The McNuggets aren't a bad consolation prize either.
StrvnMrvnJ (10:42:24 PM): who is Don Imus?
Juicemanji (10:42:00 PM): You're fucking joking right?
Juicemanji (10:42:19 PM): Don Imus was the biggest story in the country all last week
StrvnMrvnJ (10:43:15 PM): ohhhh
StrvnMrvnJ (10:43:31 PM): who said the rutgers girls were bootsy?
Juicemanji (10:43:05 PM): yes, that guy.
StrvnMrvnJ (10:43:42 PM): haha
Juicemanji (10:43:21 PM): Bootsy, you went old school with that one.
StrvnMrvnJ (10:44:01 PM): i know
StrvnMrvnJ (10:44:09 PM): haha you know what i was reminded of the other day?
Juicemanji (10:43:41 PM): What?
StrvnMrvnJ (10:44:19 PM): remember back in high school calling ugly girls arby's?
StrvnMrvnJ (10:44:45 PM): pure class
Juicemanji (10:44:37 PM): It wasn't necessarily ugly girls. It was girls who got around. The idea was that their genitals looked like an Arby's roast beef sandwich
StrvnMrvnJ (10:45:48 PM): oh yeah
StrvnMrvnJ (10:45:51 PM): even better
Juicemanji (10:45:20 PM): I know
Juicemanji (10:47:23 PM): I gotta go kid, gonna watch "The Prestige" it's gonna be awesome. you know magic and shit
StrvnMrvnJ (10:48:28 PM): oh yeah
StrvnMrvnJ (10:48:32 PM): i finally saw 300 last night
StrvnMrvnJ (10:48:52 PM): dude i hope i dont dream about swampthing and shit
StrvnMrvnJ (10:48:56 PM): have fun with the movie

The best part about that is that the dude I'm talking to in this conversation is going to be this hardcore economic consultant (or something like that) in DC next year. He's fucking brilliant, yet this is what our conversation is reduced to. Oh and one other thing, don't instant message my friend's screen name because I changed it so don't bug the poor bastard who happens to have the fake screen name that I posted.

New Englanders Are Delightful

2007-04-17T10:44:00.000-07:00

Here's a video that captures the douchebaggery of Boston sports fans.
Wow. Who does that? That pizza looked delicious. Is it just me or did that guy look terrified when the girl was cleaning his North Face fleece pullover? If you're a Red Sox fan, is it mandatory to own a North Face fleece pullover and one of those Abercrombie-style beat up Sox hats? Man I can't stand those fuckers. I'd rather take knitting classes with mentally retarded people than spend a day with a bunch of Sox fans. I would definitely have more good conversation with my knitting classmates than with a bunch of Red Sox fans that don't know dick.

Not On This Day

2007-04-16T16:30:00.000-07:00

I know that I am usually good for two or three posts on Mondays, but in light of the tragic shootings at Virginia Tech University today, I decided that I wasn't going to post anything today. I can't come up with anything funny to write when there are 30 plus kids just like me who have been killed for nothing. I can't even begin to imagine the horror that has swept that campus and the families of anyone who was harmed as a result of the shootings.

My heart goes out to the all the students at Virginia Tech and to the friends and families of the victims. I can't imagine what pushed the shooter to the point of killing over 30 people and injuring another twenty or so. Really makes you step back and look at things differently. I am blessed and thankful that I've never experienced something so awful. Well anyway, I'm going to end this post by sending my best wishes to Virginia Tech.

What's In A Song: R. Kelly's "Make It Rain" Verse

2007-04-11T19:30:00.000-07:00

In this post I will be analyzing the lyrics to R. Kelly's verse in the "Make It Rain Remix". Here is the video so that you can hear the song if you have yet to do so. Kelly's verse is the first, so you don't have to watch the entire video if you don't want to.

Now that you've heard the song, we can get into the analysis. Lets go through R. Kelly's verse.

I be drilling these chicks like Major Payne
When I make it rain, they be like "yo... do it again"
From the club to the coupe, inside my gates
Up in my bedroom screaming each other's name
They was perty perty, and I was flirty flirty
Lil' dro, lil' bub now they gettin' dirty dirty
Don't ask me what my name is, stupid bitch I'm famous
You gon' make me aim this, leave your ass brainless
I'm tryin' to stay R&B but these streets is a part of me
So don't get it twisted
You see I order one bottle, then I fuck with one model
Then I order more bottles, now I got more models
I'm from that city where them niggas don't play man
I take a chick to my room like caveman
So ask your girlfriend my name, I bet she go
"Skeet Skeet Skeet Skeet, Weatherman 'bout to make it rain!"

Alright. In the first couplet, I assume that R. Kelly is referring to intercourse with numerous female partners when he says that he "be drilling these chicks like Major Payne". If I'm not mistaken, he is making a reference to the 1995 film "Major Payne" starring Damon Wayans. Kelly then goes on to suggest that the women are encouraging him to "do it again". The next couplet simply describes R. Kelly taking his female companions from the club to his coupe and from there to the gates of his mansion where they will inevitably end up in the master bedroom of his estate where they will all yell each other's names due to sexual stimulation. Moving on, Kelly then describes the women as "perty perty" and this made him very flirty. They then go on to have a little "dro" and "bub". I can only assume that they were smoking marijuana cigarettes and drinking champagne.

After the smoking and drinking, they all proceed to get "dirty dirty". After the sex, someone, presumably one of the women, asks Kelly what his name is and he is outraged. Kelly then exclaims "Stupid Bitch, I'm Famous! You gon' make me aim this and leave your ass brainless". He is threatening whoever asked what his name is with a gun. This is an example of Kelly trying to maintain the smooth R&B exterior, while his hardcore soul will always be a part of him. This is the battle many artists must fight, the battle from within. Moving on, R. Kelly explains that the more bottles of alcohol he buys, the more women he has sex with. Very simple arithmetic.

Kelly then says "I'm from that city where them niggas don't play, man." One can only assume that Robert is talking about his Chicago roots. He then says "I take a chick to my room like caveman" What Robert Kelly is trying to say is that he will drag a woman by her hair, like a caveman, from the club to his bedroom if necessary. In the final couplet, Kelly croons "So ask your girlfriend my name, I bet she go
'Skeet Skeet Skeet Skeet, Weatherman 'bout to make it rain!'" Kelly is simply stating that if you ask your significant other about R. Kelly, she will tell you that he ejaculated all over her. Pure genius. That is all for this edition of What's in a song.

Juice's Liquor Cabinet: Cisco

2007-04-11T17:32:00.000-07:00

Alright, do you like drinkin'? Well, you like drinkin'! Who the hell don't? Well this post is the first of a new series, Juice's Liquor Cabinet (JLC). Each JLC post will discuss my favorite drinks, drinking games, or drinking tricks. This post's drink is a special one.

CISCO
Cisco is a favorite of mine for two reasons. It gets the job done quick and only costs about two bucks a bottle. After two of these you'll be good and drunk. The downside of Cisco is rough though.

This shit is not for the faint of heart. Cisco tastes like a mix of paint thinner and melted jolly ranchers. The feeling after drinking Cisco is unique. Your emotions run high. One time, I was drinking Cisco while Barbecuing and I was feeling alright. I had a good buzz and I was excited about the burgers and hot dogs and all that shit. All of a sudden a light drizzle comes down. It wasn't anything serious, but it killed my mood and I got choked up and started sobbing. I'm convinced that the Cisco was the cause of this.

Cisco also has a nasty hangover. One of my buddies was hungover for two and a half days from drinking Cisco. I am convinced that there are unlisted ingredients in this satanic swill. Do I still drink Cisco? Only when I feel like a real challenge; when I am drinking for sport. I drink Cisco when I feel the need to eliminate any doubts as to whether I've still got it. I would never recommend drinking Cisco habitually. As I said before, there are probably unlisted ingredients in there, so don't get all strung out on Cisco. Even the most straight-laced and promising people can fall victim to Cisco's wrath. Just ask this dude:
Despite Cisco's potential for destroying lives, I still have to give it a 7 out of 10 on the Juice scale. This is Juice and I am signing off until next time, be safe and drink responsibly.

Busey Has It All Figured Out Pt. 2

2007-04-10T18:16:00.000-07:00

We all know that Gary Busey is fucking nuts, but I felt like I needed to provide you with some solid video evidence of Busey's insanity. Here is a clip of Busey talking the late Hunter S. Thompson...kind of. I would make an attempt to type something witty to end this post but I'm still in shock over what I just heard come out of Busey's mouth.

Imus Vs. Pacman

2007-04-10T17:20:00.000-07:00

The Commissioner did it. Goodell suspended Titans Cornerback, Adam "Pacman" Jones, for the entire '07 season. He also suspended Bengals Wide Reciever, Chris Henry for eight games. I know that the Commissioner needs to take a stand, but this doesn't feel right to me.

I'm going to take a break from all of the shlong jokes and sarcastic comments for this post. Between Don Imus and Pacman Jones, I am very frustrated. It is disheartening to see a group of exceptional young ladies recognized more for being called "nappy headed hos" than their accomplishments as student athletes. Don Imus has been suspended for a measly two weeks. Pacman Jones was suspended for a year. I won't defend Pacman's actions, he has fucked up on a number of occasions (I believe 10). However, he has yet to be convicted. Don Imus is also a repeat offender, having made racist and sexist comments in the past. I feel like Imus got off easy while Pacman got crucified to make an example to the rest of the league.

Pacman's conduct has tarnished the image of the NFL, but Don Imus' comments insult women and people of color. His comments feed into the ongoing cycles of racism and sexism in America. Don Imus' comments were more harmful than Pacman's misbehavior. Let me reiterate that I am not defending Pacman Jones, I am simply pointing out the racial inequalities that exist in America today. If Imus was suspended for an extended period of time or fired, I would not even be posting this. I get the feeling that the same people posting on message boards saying that Commissioner Goodell needs to "clean up the NFL and get rid of the thugs" are the same people who feel that Don Imus' comments "were just a joke".

Now that I have gotten that scatter-brained rant out of my system, I would like to get back to making jokes. With that said, here is what my buddy Dom had to say about Don Imus in an AIM conversation (all screen names were removed from the convo for privacy purposes):

Dom: have you seen what don imus looks like?
Me: Yea
Dom (4:23:18 PM): like a train wreck
Dom (4:23:27 PM): get a comb dog

Get a comb indeed.

Bill Brasky, A Great Fictional Character

2007-04-09T12:54:00.000-07:00

This is the first of a new recurring post on this blog. I will be posting on great fictional characters whenever I get the itch. This is not necessarily a weekly thing. The inaugural post is all about Bill Brasky. Bill Brasky is the subject of a great series of Saturday Night Live sketches that you can check out below.
SNL - Bill Brasky at the Airport

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Bill Brasky

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Bill Brasky funeral

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Bill Brasky

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Bill Brasky would be the greatest man ever if he actually existed.

Gary Busey Has It All Figured Out

2007-04-09T11:48:00.000-07:00

Gary Busey is the man. He is one of my heroes. I am very excited about the fact that Busey could be giving me driving directions very soon. TMZ.com has the scoop.

the loosely-wrapped actor has given his voice to the TomTom line of customizable GPS devices, joining such illustrious navigational talents as Mr. T (wheelman for "The A-Team") and Burt Reynolds ("Cannonball Runner" extraordinaire). Gary will tell you when to make a left turn, and when to turn things around. He also shares some advice for when boredom strikes your drive: "Honk at geese."

I am pretty pumped. Busey is bat-shit crazy. If you want to hear some of the outtakes from Busey's driving directions, click here. If I wasn't the man I am, I would buy that thing so I could hear Busey. However, as a man with a great sense of direction, I could never buy that product. I'm convinced that if guys like Columbus and Magellan didn't discover everything, I would be all over that shit.

I Did It! I Fucking Did It!

2007-04-07T15:40:00.000-07:00

You wanna know what I had for lunch today? Fuck, of course you do. I was pretty hungry so I went to the fridge to see what kind of food I had to eat. The only thing that really tickled my balls was some leftover hot wings that I had from lunch yesterday. I would have just heated up the wings but I only had five wings, which is hardly enough to satisfy my manful hunger. I was kind of discouraged, but I couldn't quit. Did the caveman get discouraged when he discovered fire and didn't know how to handle it? Fuck no he didn't. He tamed the flames and he paved the way for me to cook, so I fucking cooked my ass off.

I grabbed the wings and peeled off all the meat. I grabbed four eggs out of the fridge and 2 slices of American cheese. That's right AMERICAN CHEESE. I wasn't about to use some dainty French goat cheese. Fuck that. I was making an omelet. A Buffalo Wing and cheese omelet.

Here's how it went down:

4 Eggs
Garlic Powder
Black Pepper
5 Buffalo Wings
Red Rooster Hot Sauce
2 Slices of American Cheese

It was tremendous. It was one of the greatest omelets in the history of Mandom. You don't believe me? I have photo evidence.

That's a big fuckin' omelet. It was heavier than Star Jones before the gastric bypass surgery. I needed a fucking forklift to flip that omelet in the pan and a crane to get it onto my plate. As you can see I had a beer (High Life) with my masterpiece. I also had some Blue Cheese with it because you gotta eat hot wings with some blue cheese. This omelet had everything. Good mix of flavors, well cooked, and fine texture. Here's a look at the inside of the omelet.

Pretty sexy huh. You know I polished it off as well. It was a lot of food, but I was pretty hungry because I took a big ass dump like an hour before I started cooking. Here's the aftermath of the delicious work of art.

Very impressive, I know. All in a day's work for a man like me.

Billy Packer Won't Back Down or "Fag Out"

2007-04-05T21:22:00.000-07:00

I wasn't going to post on this story, but it's become such a big deal that I kind of have to at this point. Shitty sports announcer, Billy Packer was on Charlie Rose's PBS show and dropped a less than PC bomb. Here's the clip. Disregard the shitty Jimmy Kimmel joke at the end. This was the only footage of the Packer incident that I could find. Man I hate Jimmy Kimmel.
So the reason I am finally posting on this is because Billy Packer isn't apologizing on the grounds that "Fag out" was said in a context that has nothing to do with homosexuality.

"Fagging" is a reference to a junior boy who acted as servant to a senior boy at a British independent school. “Fag” came to mean a tedious or labour-intensive chore, and “fagged out” to mean exhausted by hard work.

Packer used this as his defense, which I guess is legitimate. However, Packer still should have the decency to apologize to whoever he may have offended. Most people were unaware of Packer's definition of "Fag out". Whether his intention was hateful or not, he should have the common sense and consideration to not use words that could offend people when he just as easily could have said "wuss out". Had he said something other than "fag out" he still could have gotten his point across and not offended anyone. I know that my blog can be offensive at times, but it is clearly a joke and everyone who reads this knows me personally. I make jokes and such here but I would never want to offend people and if I were to offend anyone, I would certainly apologize and try to be more sensitive about such things. With that said, here is a big portion of wikipedia's page on "fagging". If you can read this whole thing without the slightest chuckle then you are much more mature than I am and you probably shouldn't waste anymore of your time on this blog.

In British public schools, fagging was a system under which a junior boy performed certain duties for a senior, generally with the full approval of the authorities. The details of this custom vary slightly in different schools, but its purpose was generally the maintenance of discipline among the boys themselves.

Dr. Arnold of Rugby defined fagging as the power given by the supreme authorities of the school to the Sixth Form, to be exercised by them over younger boys. Older pupils, in a sense trustees, would take responsibility for the behaviour of younger boys, thus helping the staff to avoid anarchy. Fagging was a fully established system at Eton and Winchester in the 16th century, and is probably a good deal older.

During the 19th century, almost all British public schools adopted a fagging system.
The right to fag carries with it certain well-defined duties. The senior, called fag-master, also known as the protector of his fags, is responsible for their happiness and good conduct. In cases of bullying or injustice, their appeal is to him, not to the form-master, or house master, and, except in the gravest cases, all incidents are dealt with by the fag-master on his own responsibility and without report to the master.

The duties undertaken by fags, the time taken, and their general treatment, varied widely. Each school had its own tradition. Until circa 1900 a fag's duties included such humble tasks as blacking boots, brushing clothes and cooking breakfasts, and there was no limit as to hours. Almost all the fag's spare time could be so monopolized. Later, fagging was restricted to such light tasks as running errands, bringing tea to the masters' study and fagging at cricket or football.

The 1911 Britannica details an evolution of the role at Eton college. Roald Dahl relates in his autobiography being told, as a fag, to warm toilet seats for older boys. Stephen Fry describes a practice similar to fagging used as punishment.

Examples of fagging feature in Julian Mitchell's play Another Country, and Lindsay Anderson's film If (1968)
.

*The Erick Estrada pic above is the first picture I saw when I did a google image search for the word "fag". The other pic is a drawing of a "fag" in the Packer context. I may very well have broken some kind of record for using "fag" in a post for a non-homophobic blog.

The Japanese Make Great Dick Jokes

2007-04-05T11:13:00.000-07:00

In Japan there is a TV show called "Mokkori". This is what "Mokkori" means according to wikipedia:

Mokkori is a Japanese sound symbol word (gitaigo) that essentially represents the "sound" of something sticking out in a flat surface, or the sound of something rising very quickly. A popular term with fans of 80s Japanese animation, it was popularized in the manga and anime City Hunter by Tsukasa Hojo. Ryo Saeba, the main character of City Hunter, took jobs to help people in need, always on the lookout for a "mokkori chance" (in the context of the series, a chance to do something perverted with a pretty woman). Basically representing the sound or concept of an erection rising, the term mokkori is one of the single most alien linguistic concepts in the Japanese language.Mokkori-kun is a T-shirt character from Japan based on a character used to promote mushrooms. Its unique shape is a sales point with T-shirt customers.

That picture is fuckin' priceless huh? A "unique shape" uh yeah, those are testicles. I've had the Japanese Matsutake mushroom with my Jap (is it OK to say that? Too soon?) buddy and that mushroom did not have balls at it's base. Well anyway, there is a TV show called "Mokkori" about this dude who walks around in public with a huge boner. Check it out.

The Japanese already make amazing obstacle courses, and now they are making better dick jokes than we are? Something has to be done.

NEWSFLASH: Bill O'Reilly Is Still A Cock Sucker

2007-04-04T13:56:00.000-07:00

A couple days ago I did a post regarding H.W. and B (Hot Wings and Beer for future reference) favorite, Snoop Dogg and his comments about Bill O'Reilly on Dutch TV. Snoop said "Fuck Bill O'Reilly" among other things. Well Bill has fired back and in this clip he reminds us all of why he's such a douche.
Wow that guy is a dick. I have a lot of shit to say about that guy and his sad quest to destroy Rap music, but this blog is for making fun of people, sports, and shlong jokes so I'll just save my thoughts for another time.

A Critical Life Decision

2007-04-04T11:37:00.000-07:00

I'm almost 22 years old and about to complete my undergrad degree in Sociology. There isn't much I have to complain about. My parents work their asses off so that I can go to school and enjoy myself while I'm getting my education. I only have one real responsibility, to get my degree. I have the privilege of living relatively stress free and enjoy the city of San Francisco. However, there are times when I am forced to make big time life decisions.

This morning was one of those times. At about 7:15 AM, I walked out of my apartment so that I could make my way to my 7:45 AM Spanish class. It takes me about 7-10 minutes to get to class and about 10 minutes to get a lox bagel for breakfast from this one place I like. That gives me about 10-15 minutes to look for parking near campus. I was right on time, until I felt my stomach turn over. I had to take a shit. This wasn't one of those shits that I could delay for an hour or two. Something had to be done. This was a huge problem. I like to take my time on the toilet, at least 10 minutes. This meant that I had to choose between having 15-20 minutes to look for parking, eating breakfast, and taking this dump.

I had to take the dump, there was no other option but to park, then poop and go to class. I parked my car then jogged into the Education building and made it to the bathroom. I was close but I made it in time. I was very relieved, I even said "AAHHHH" out loud, like I just took a gulp of a cold beer on a hot day. However, I still hadn't had anything to eat. This is bad for me because I have class from 7:45 AM until 2:20 PM without any breaks. I would starve and possibly cry out loud in class due to hunger pains. I had to take the dump because sobbing from hunger pains is still less embarrassing than shitting myself in class. I got lucky when my Spanish class got out a half hour early, allowing me to go and get my bagel. I was confronted with adversity and I overcame. I made the right decisions and ended up winning in every way; no shitting my pants and no hunger pains. AWESOME. I am so ready for the real world once I graduate.

Great Moments of Idiocy in Sports

2007-04-03T22:41:00.000-07:00

I've compiled videos of some of my favorite moments of dumbass behavior in sports. They are in no particular order, I love them all as if they were my children. Here we go.

Jim Mora's rant about the "Playoffs"
This one is wonderful, we've all seen it. I remember when it happened and just thinking to myself, "wow, there's no way he's coaching the Colts next season." I'm pretty sure I wasn't the only one.

Allen Iverson talks about "Practice"

AI just reminding us of why college ball is more entertaining than the NBA, because they actually practice.

Anthony Reddick's Apology

I hope not too many people have seen this. I'm glad that Anthony Reddick is a nobody because this is rough to watch. Could you imagine if Reggie Bush spoke like that guy? I think that would set black people back like 3 years.

What the hell is Joakim saying?

Mr. Noah, what you've just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this arena is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.

Tim Hardaway hates gay people

Homophobia isn't usually funny, but I can't help but laugh at this every time. Insanely idiotic, so highly inappropriate.

The Greatest of Them All...Iron Mike Tyson

How am I supposed to follow that up?

The Mayor of Cincy Throws Like A Girl

2007-04-03T21:21:00.000-07:00

I know that 90% of blogs that are at all sports related have posted this video. I don't give a shit, this is too good for me not to post on. This is the mayor of Cincinnati throwing out the 1st pitch of their game on Monday.
Holy shit, that guy is awful. That was about as un-manful as it gets.

BREAKING NEWS: Bill O'Reilly Hates Snoop Dogg and Is A Racist

2007-04-02T22:15:00.000-07:00

Snoop spoke on All-World douchebag Bill O'Reilly on a Dutch TV talk show. Here's what Snoop-a-loop had to say I know this is all very shocking, but I'll do my best to keep you posted with any developments on this story.

Tyler Hansbrough is Simply Irresistable

2007-03-29T13:35:00.000-07:00

Look at this! Man he is smooth. These are Tyler Hansbrough's senior pictures. When I took my senior pictures, the creepy camera guy told me to turn my back and look over my shoulder at the camera while sucking on my index finger. Needless to say, I didn't order prints of that one or pick it to go in the yearbook.

(Photos are obviously from collegehumor.com)

Diddy is A Liar, But Meticulous

2007-03-29T11:25:00.000-07:00

Everyone's favorite self-absorbed Rap mogul, Diddy, claims to have had sex with his lady for "at least 30 hours". Diddy went on to say:

"As meticulous as I am with my work, I'm more meticulous with lovemaking. I like to do it for a long time"

Yeah, OK. You can't have sex for 30 hours dude. Most people can't stay awake for 30 hours straight without Red Bull, Adderall, or some other kind of amphetamine, but I suppose Puff is really meticulous. That must be it, I mean if he wasn't so meticulous about his work he wouldn't have been able to make this great song and music video.

Wow! That fucking sucked. Is he serious? Was that a joke that I just didn't get? He needs to spend less time having tantric sex and spend a bit more time on the music side. I'm convinced that if I put a salamander, kazoo, and a microphone together in a room, my amphibious friend would make a better song than that Diddy song.

Only Pussies and Assholes Get Caught

2007-03-28T08:58:00.000-07:00

The Chinese-looking Mexican guy pictured above is Taboo of the Black Eyed Peas. He got a DUI last night. San Jose Mercury News has the details:

INDUSTRY, Calif.- Taboo, a hip hop singer with the Black Eyed Peas, was arrested on suspicion of driving under the influence, police said.

Jaime Luis Gomez, known by fans as Taboo, was taken into custody Tuesday morning following a collision in the city of Industry, about 20 miles east of Los Angeles, said Los Angeles sheriff's Lt. Mark Relyea.

Gomez, 31, was released Tuesday evening with a citation for possession of less than an ounce of marijuana, possession of a prescribed medication without a prescription, and driving under the influence, Relyea said.

No court date was disclosed.

Why the fuck was he in the city of Industry? There ain't shit there. My first thought was that maybe he was going there to score some weed, but he apparently already had weed, so that's not it. I hope they lock his ass up Urbina style so that I won't ever have to hear another "My Humps" or any other Black Eyed Peas bullshit.

* Mugshot courtesy of TMZ.com

Ugueth Urbina is Fucked

2007-03-28T08:40:00.000-07:00

Ugueth Urbina, the former closer for the Boston Red Sox, Florida Marlins, Texas Rangers, Philadelphia Phillies, and Detroit Tigers, is going to be in the joint for a very long time. The two-time all-star was sentenced to 14 years in Venezuela for the attempted murder of five workers on his ranch. Here's what supposedly went down according to ESPN.com:

The 32-year-old free agent was accused of joining a group of men in attacking and injuring workers with machetes and pouring gasoline on them at his family's ranch, located about 25 miles south of Caracas.

Urbina repeatedly has denied involvement with the violence, saying he was sleeping at the time of the attack.

The pitcher's lawyer, Jose Luis Tamayo, has said that Urbina surprised the workers by showing up at his ranch that night while they were bathing in the pool without permission. Urbina spoke sharply to them, but later left and went to sleep, according to Tamayo.

Lemme guess how Uggie "sharply" spoke to the workers who were using his pool.

"Hey you little fucks, get the fuck out of my pool! I swear to God Almighty and the seven fucking dwarfs that if you don't get out of my pool, which you cocksuckers forgot to clean, I will fuck you up with my machete! Oh and I won't stop there. Once I finish butchering you maricons, I'm going to pour gasoline all over your peasant asses and then burn you to death! You will be so fucking scorched that they're gonna have to take dental records just to identify your ass! Get the fuck out of the pool before I get pissed!"

I'm pretty sure that's all Urbina did. It was probably just a huge coincidence that the victims got hacked with machetes and doused with gasoline. I just hope Uggie is in good shape. I used to watch "Oz" so I know that prison can be rough, but who knows what it's like in Venezuela? Sheesh.

Undercover Brother Should Slow Down

2007-03-27T13:46:00.000-07:00

The car in this video is a Ferrari Enzo. There are only like 400 of these in the world and they are worth over a mill. Eddie Griffin isn't a very good driver. Did you see how stressed he was? It's because he knows that he's gonna have to do another Deuce Bigalow and Undercover Brother movie just to pay this one off.

Man of The Week: Kobe Bryant

2007-03-26T11:49:00.000-07:00

Los Angeles Lakers Shooting Guard Kobe Bryant is our Man of The Week. He went on a historic scoring run in the last week or so which has resurrected the Lakers' season and led to five straight wins after a seven game skid. The run started when kobe dropped 65 points on the Portland Trailblazers on Friday, March 16th. Kobe then dropped 50 on Minnesota, 60 on Memphis, 50 more on New Orleans. Kobe's streak of 4 games with 50+ points makes him the only player to do so not named Wilt. The streak ended when Kobe scored 43 last night in a victory over the Golden State Warriors. The Lakers needed just about every point that Kobe scored during this scoring run, they won each game by an average of 4.4 points. Pretty badass. He's definitely fucking tonight. Here are highlights of him ripping Memphis a new asshole and forcing all of their fans to the bottle:

Peyton Manning is Multi-Talented

2007-03-26T11:44:00.000-07:00

Peyton Manning hosted Saturday Night Live last Saturday and it was delightful. Check out a couple sketches:
Pretty good huh?

New Snoop Dogg Video: "Boss Life"

2007-03-22T12:45:00.000-07:00

I'm posting this because Snoop is a real man. This video has manly shit in it. Cigars, satin robes, women in lingerie, thrones, and fried chicken. All great things, all necessary. Oh and I almost forgot, the song is pretty good too.

Man, that Snoop sure knows how to smoke a Marijuana cigarillo. I need to start living the "Boss Life". I've got the fried chicken part down, now I just need to get the cigars, women, thrones and fancy robes. At least I'm 1/5 of the way there.

Tony La Russa Is A Lightweight

2007-03-22T12:03:00.000-07:00

St. Louis Cardinals Manager, Tony La Russa is a drunk. Here's the scoop from ESPN.com:

JUPITER, Fla. -- St. Louis Cardinals manager Tony La Russa was arrested Thursday on a drunken driving charge after police said they found him asleep inside his running sport utility vehicle at a stop light.

La Russa gave two breath samples and had a blood alcohol content of 0.093 percent, Jupiter police said in a statement. Florida's legal driving limit is 0.08 percent.

Undercover officers saw La Russa's SUV sitting partially in an intersection around midnight and not moving despite two green lights, police said. Officers knocked on the window and La Russa did not initially respond.

The SUV was in drive and running, with La Russa's foot on the brake, police said. When he woke up, the officers asked him to get out of the SUV. La Russa was cooperative during his arrest, police said.

Getting a DUI is one thing, but getting caught because you passed out at an intersection is a whole 'nother bag of dicks. It just seems like such a weak way to go down over just a .093 BAC. So lackluster. Imagine the scene in "The Matrix", where Neo and Trinity ruin everyone in the lobby of that building when they are saving Morpheus. Tony La Russa falling asleep at the wheel is like Neo abandoning the rescue mission to run across the street to Burger King because he really wanted to try the new "Chicken Fries". Overall I think this is a great start for The Cardinals' defense of the World Series.

Man of The Week: Joe Rogan

2007-03-21T12:07:00.000-07:00

This is the first of probably many "Man of The Week" awards for Joe Rogan. Joe Rogan oozes awesomeness. Most people know Mr. Rogan as the host of "Fear Factor" or "The Man Show". He is much more than that. Rogan is an accomplished martial artist and stand-up comedian. Rogan has also made waves by accusing shitty comedians and weak men, Dane Cook and Carlos Mencia, of stealing material from other stand ups. Here is a clip that shatters any doubt regarding Mencia's joke theft:

Carlos Mencia Stealing Jokes From Cosby - Click Here for more great videos and pictures!
Cheers to Joe Rogan, our man of the week!

P.S.- Check out that boob in the pic! Way to go Joe!

OJ Mayo Says "Fuck You" To Rules, Sportsmanship

2007-03-21T11:10:00.000-07:00

High School basketball phenom and future USC Trojan, OJ Mayo played his last high school basketball game last Saturday. OJ was ejected from the game after dunking and throwing the ball into the crowd. Here's the video:

Shit yes. Anyone who knows me knows that I love that kind of shit, as long as it is appropriate. In the high school context, OJ Mayo can do whatever the fuck he wants. Sportsmanship went right out the window when people started paying money to see him play. No one knows what school he goes to but everyone knows OJ. His school makes money off of his celebrity, so getting a tech and being ejected in his final game is no big deal. However, he's an idiot if he thinks he can pull this shit in college and in two years once he gets to the NBA. Gotta wise up soon OJ, but until then, you're gold.

P.S.- Did you know that O.J. stands for "Ovinton J'Anthony"...Damn.

Fuck. Yeah.

2007-03-19T10:41:00.000-07:00

I miss football season.

Tennis Is Sooo Hot Right Now!

2007-03-19T09:54:00.000-07:00

Last Monday, I went to the Pacific Life Open Tennis tournament with my Dad and Brother. The tournament was in Indian Wells, which is part of Palm Springs. For those of you who don't know anything about Palm Springs, it's in the middle of the fucking desert. It was really fucking hot there. It's about a two hour drive from L.A. (if you drive the speed limit).

Well anyway, I went to this thing because my Dad is way into tennis and it seemed like fun anyway. I also figured that it would get so hot that chicks would take off their tops, but no dice. Tennis tournaments are pretty cool because there are tons of matches going on at a time and you can just walk around and watch any match you want. There are also practice courts where you can watch the players practicing. It was pretty cool because we saw the #2 player in the world, Rafael Nadal practice for a while. That guy is a badass. There was a lot of funny shit that I saw at this tournament that had little to do with tennis. The crowd at this thing was pretty funny. There was some nice off court talent, if you catch my drift. Some of the women were highly attractive, some not a as much. Over-tanned, 45 year old plus, white women were in abundance here. You know which ones I'm talking about. The ladies who look to years older than they actually are and have leathery skin from the insane amount to UV rays they've been exposed to. They reminded me of those commercials from way back with the singing and dancing raisins.

As far as tennis goes, there were some funny moments. When you're in the crowd at a tennis match, you can't do shit. You just have to be quiet. It's lame. I don't get it. It's not like tennis requires so much more concentration than other sports. This one douchy player was about to serve and noticed a fan that got up and moved to another seat. The player stopped his serve and stared at the dude until he sat down. It was ridiculous. You're getting paid to play tennis, just deal with some fucking ambient noise. You should be glad that people aren't calling you all kinds of names like "cock-sucker" or "pussy-face". Can you imagine the shit that Barry Bonds hears on the road? Yet, this wuss tennis player thinks that he is being disrespected by a fan who wants to switch seats. Lame.

We watched a couple of matches at the main court. We saw Andy Roddick serve some guy from a country that I can't remember right now. After that Roddick match we watched James Blake totally let down his country and lose to a Frenchman. I was pissed. The crowd was really rooting for Blake, which was crazy to me because I haven't seen so many old-white people rooting for a black guy since Karl Malone played for the Utah Jazz. All in all, it was a pretty cool day and a fine experience.

Alright, I'm Back

2007-03-19T09:52:00.000-07:00

I know I haven't posted in a long time, I was on spring break. What did I do over the break? Not a whole lot. I went home (L.A.) and spent time with family. I will be posting with a vengeance this week, so check back often.

George Shinn is a chameleon, lemon-headed, coward, terrorist pussy!

2007-03-06T16:37:00.000-08:00

OK, so I was wasting hours of my time combing the the internet looking for stupid shit like videos of people getting hit in the balls and animals attacking people and I cam across this gem of a clip. This appears to be some guy complaining to his city council about former Charlotte Hornets owner, George Shinn, and a "rogue helicopter pilot". Check this shit out:
That guy is fucking crazy. I once knew an old man named Erasmus Fidletooth who was just as crazy. I used to see Erasmus at the park as a kid. Like any old man he liked to offer the kids sweets while telling us stories that taught us valuable life lessons. The only thing is that he didn't have Werther's Originals like most old men. All he had was that nasty shit from inside of pumpkins packaged in ziploc sandwich bags. But at least his stories and life lessons were good. Actually, they weren't anecdotal stories at all, he just retold episodes of "Family Matters" and changed the names. Man that old guy was fucking useless.