The Legend of Dino-Breast: The Largest Fried Chicken Breast...EVER

As you may or may not know, I have been buying boxes of frozen fried chicken from the liquor store across the street for quiet some time. Well the last time I purchased a box of fried chicken was about two weeks ago. Each box has about 6-8 random pieces. Well I ate the first six pieces of this most recent box and left the other two.

Fast forward to this past Friday. I was starving and felt like some chicken, so I figured that I would just polish off the last two pieces in the box. I pulled out one piece and was pleased to see a thigh, my favorite piece from the chicken. I'm all about the dark meat. Upon reaching back into the box for the other piece, I felt an unusually large mass. Without having seen the piece of chicken, I figured that the chicken had accumulated a big ass chunk of that icy shit that develops when food gets freezer burned. I tried to pull the chicken out to assess the damage of the freezer burn and make a decision as to whether or not I was going to eat the chicken. Only thing is, I had some trouble lifting the piece. It was heavy as fuck. I had to get my back into it. After considerable effort, I got the piece out. It was a breast, but not just any breast, it was the biggest fucking chicken breast ever. I swear to you, this thing was about the size of a football. Everyone knows that birds evolved from dinosaurs. This had to be a breast from some missing link between chickens and dinosaurs. It was the Dino-breast.

I was in awe. I love chicken, but I was torn as to whether or not I should eat Dino-breast. Should I save it and donate it to science? Should I keep it and make myself a fortune by going on tour with it, showing it off at county fairs and late night talk shows? It was a lot of responsibility at a time when I was really just trying to eat before I start to drink and go out. Seeing as I was trying to get intox, I decided to sleep on it and come to a decision in the morning. While I was out drinking at my local bar, I couldn't stop thinking about the giant chicken breast. It was consuming my entire night. When the bar closed, I was pretty drunk, but I was free to be with Dino-breast and think of things to do with it.

Me and my roommates stumbled into the apartment and I ran straight to the kitchen to see my prehistoric poultry. As soon as I grabbed the Dino-breast, the drunk munchies kicked in. My judgment became clear and I made a decision on the fate of Dino-breast. I was going to eat it. It would be exploitative and selfish of me to make money off Dino-breast, and donating it to science is something that a fucking nerd would do. Fuck that, I was going to eat it and take it's power and use that power to enhance my own legendary status. I took the Dino-breast and put it in the microwave. I set the microwave to 15 minutes on the "High" setting. It was going to take a lot to warm this fucker up, plus I needed time to catch my breath because lifting it and carrying it to the microwave took a lot out of me. If you think it's because I'm out of shape, then fuck you. That shit was heavy.

As I was about to take the Dino-breast out of the microwave, my female roommate walked in. Like most girls, she's all particular about what she eats and believes in fake ailments that you get from eating old food, like salmonella. She told me not to eat the chicken because it had been in the fridge forever. I ignored her because she doesn't know shit and I began to eat the Dino-breast.

(Before I go on, I have to assure you that the rest of this story is entirely true. All of this shit happened for real. Back to the story.)

Out of concern for my health, she ran over and grabbed the Dino-breast off my plate. I immediately charged toward her to get my chicken back. I stumbled into her and she grabbed me and we both fell to the floor. We rolled around fighting over the chicken like in the movies when they roll around fighting over a gun. I wrestled it away from her and began to munch on it. It was so delicious, but my pleasure was short lived. She grabbed the chicken from me again, but this time she threw the Dino-breast out the kitchen window. Keep in mind that I live on the second floor of an apartment in San Francisco. I ran downstairs with a flashlight to see if I could find the Dino-breast, but it was gone.

Just like that, a potentially life changing piece of chicken was gone. I get teary eyed when I think about how some shitty rat or crusty hobo ate my Dino-breast. Losing the Dino-breast was devastating, but like they say, it's better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all.