I Know More Stuff Than Stephen Hawking

I am sorry that I haven't posted in over 2 weeks, but I've been studying a lot. I haven't been studying for my summer school classes or anything like that, I've been studying for a mental challenge. I am preparing to challenge Stephen Hawking to a trivia showdown. For those of you who don't know, Stephen Hawking is this old British guy in a wheelchair who discovered all kinds of shit about black holes. Here's a picture:
He knows a shitload of stuff about outerspace, but I can take him. Whenever I tell people that I'm going to challenge him, they all say shit like "How are you going to beat Stephen Hawking? He's the smartest person man in the world?" or "But Julien, you're a Sociology major, you don't know shit." Yeah, Yeah, I know already. While I may be a huge underdog, many people fail to realize that Stephen Hawking probably doesn't know a whole lot about non-sciency shit. Outerspace and Physics will only be a portion of the trivia. Do you think Stephen Hawking knows anything about sports, pop culture, cooking, or just how to live, period. I would kick his ass in all categories that don't have to do with science, or books that aren't "Hatchet" by Gary Paulsen, I fucking love that book. Do you think Hawking could build tell someone how to make a beer bong like the one pictured below?
FUCK NO. I Win. The categories would include: Sports, Movies, Food, Beer, Black Holes, Science, Music, College Mascots, Sociology, World History, Dinosaurs, and Women. I figure that these are all fair categories becuase they are things that me and Stephen both like. If he doesn't like any of them, he can fuck himself, if he's a genius, he should be able to figure shit out. I will win this thing. I still need to come up with a prize for the winner, but I'd be just fine with being recognized as the guy who is smarter than Stephen Hawking. People will come up to me and be like "Julien, you're so smart that it makes me cry when I read books because I'll never be like you no matter how much I read." I would like that.

Congrats Sir, You Are Past Your Prime

Today I went to the Union Street Festival with my bff (Best Friend Forever, for those of you who are not familiar with internet acronyms) Rob, his girlfriend, and a friend of hers. Union Street festival is this annual event in San Francisco where they close down Union street and fill it with beer gardens, food stands, and a shitload of stands with people who sell useless shit. It's a pretty cool event because there are tons of people drinking and all the bars on Union are packed. As you could imagine, there was a high concentration of off-field talent. However, whenever there are a lot of good looking girls, there are sure to be douchebags in hot pursuit.

The Union Street festival was packed with assholes sporting tribal tattoos, tight designer t-shirts, and sunglasses that only a Persian would think were cool. This is to be expected, so it doesn't phase me, but this time there were a lot of old guys sporting this look. A bunch of old guys who are over the hill. I'm going to break it down for you:

If you have frosted hair and 12 year old grandkids...Congratulations, you are past your prime.

If you have to cancel dates with a 23 year old waitress to make an emergency visit to your chiropractor...Congratulations, you are past your prime.

If you have danced to "This Is Why I'm Hot" in a club or bar while washing down your Centrum pill with a cold one...Congratulations, you are past your prime.

If you can't drink too much because you're taking Flomax to help urinary difficulties such as going often, going urgently, weak stream and frequently waking up at night to go...Congratulations, you are past your prime.

Now I know it sounds like I am being a sourpuss over old "hip" men pulling girls in my age range, but that's not the case. I understand that this is the way it works. Women like to have some level of security in a man, and I cannot offer that, seeing as I eat microwavable fried chicken that I buy from the liquor store across the street. As much as I hate to admit, I know that once I establish myself financially at the age of 49, I'll be in bars trying to pull women half my age. It sounds pretty nasty when you put it that way. Maybe I'll just get to making money sooner.

Julien Went To A Nice Restaurant....I Guess

So I went out to dinner at this "hip" Italian restaurant in the North Beach district of the city. I don't usually go out to those kinds of places unless it's a date, but my good friend Dom was visiting San Francisco, so it wasn't just any other night. Usually I'll just eat Popeye's or some hot-wings because it's cheaper and I like that shit better.

The restaurant was called "Pan De Rei" which I think means "bread of kings" in Italian, but I'm not sure about that. Anyways, this place was pretty good but not fit for a king, this place was too cramped. Kings like space and shit, you know so they can stretch out after eating a turkey leg or whatever. I was with Dom, a couple of his buddies from USC, and a friend of mine from San Francisco who happens to be the sister of one Dom's buddies that is with us, let's call her Rachel.

So we're ordering drinks and enjoying the bread with oil and balsamic vinegar and two of Rachel's friends meet up with us. I'm friends with one of them while the other I've seen around at parties and shit, but I couldn't tell you her name. The girl who I didn't know annoyed me right off the bat as she kept trying to sit in Dom's seat next to me while he was in the bathroom. There were like 3 other open seats. I doubt it was because she thought I was cute because this girl was part Asian or something and I am pretty sure Asian girls are afraid of me. So she settles for the seat across from me and Dom and she starts pouring salt and pepper in the fucking oil and vinegar dish for the bread...WHAT THE FUCK? Shouldn't you have some consideration for the people at this side of the table who might want to take their bread without a shitload of salt and pepper? I just watched in awe as she kept doing it throughout the night, and this wasn't a little bit of salt and pepper, it was a fucking ton. There was more salt and pepper in that little dish than in Queen Elizabeth's panties, if you catch my drift. I just ordered a mojito and got over it. I wasn't in the mood to call anyone out while I was trying to enjoy Dom's company since I hadn't seen him in like 6 months.

After I decided to ignore the annoying girl, I got to looking at the menu and I settled on the squid ink pasta with wine sauce. It sounded good to me. At this point I am really enjoying myself despite the salt and pepper girl. When they served us our food, I was surprised to see that the pasta was black. People were like "haven't you seen squid ink pasta?" No, I have not, I'm not a worldly guy. I mostly eat different kinds of chicken for dinner, and when I want to treat myself I drive 15 minutes to the Mission district for carne asada tacos, so anything with marine cephalapod discharge is new to me. Well the pasta was delicious. It came with a shitload of seafood in there, clams and all that good shit. While my tasty food, I also noticed the amount of off-field talent (girls) in the restaurant. A lot of good looking girls were in there, patrons and waitresses alike. I was having a great time.

Between the good food and the abundance of good looking girls, I began to think that I should go to places like this more often. This all ended when this douchebag waiter who was pretending to be Italian starts yelling to get everyone's attention. What the fuck did this guy have to say that was so important that everyone paying $19 for glorified Chef Boyardee needed to hear it? It was someone's birthday. It was some girl in the restaurant's 23rd birthday. Yippeee! The fake Italian insisted that everyone sing happy birthday, which only pissed me off further. I would gladly sing for a little kid or a 21st birthday, but 23? C'mon! If there was any consolation prize, the girl had pretty nice boobs, so when she stood up during the birthday song to accept her Tiramisu, I just didn't sing and looked at her boobs. Don't even think about calling me a jerk, she was wearing a very low cut top. She wants people to look at that shit. Well anyway, I guess it's just going to be Popeye's from now on, unless I'm on a date or decide that I want to spend $30 on some pretty good pasta and a mojito that is just a shitload of lime juice and mint leaves with less than a shot of Rum. Yea that sounds tremendous.

10 Reasons Why I Love America So Much

I fucking love America. I love America so much for more reasons than I can count, so I decided on ten good ones. These aren't the 10 biggest reasons for me loving America, just 10 that I thought about just now. Let's do this shit.

10. Being an American means that I can go to any foreign country and take a dump in the bathroom of just about any store and not have to buy anything.

9. America has it's own Superhero, Captain America. What other country has a superhero named after it? Could you imagine a "Captain France"? That shit would be weak, he would go around smoking cigs,eating crepes and just be a total pussy. Not like Captain America.

8. You can eat a breakfast burrito to start the day, In-N-Out (or some other delicious burger) for lunch, and Sushi or some other fantastic foreign food for dinner. You can't do that in any other country.

7. Buffalo Wings.

6. American Football. No other country really plays it (sorry Canada), and I totally understand why. Would any other country let their kids take part in this kind of sport: Yea I don't think football is going to catch on anywhere else, and that's just the way I like it.

5. Having Mexico to the south is awesome. It's like if you could have unprotected sex using someone else's genitalia. That way you could have sex with as many questionable people as you want without getting AIDS or anything. No consequences. That's what going to Mexico is like. Mexico is using someone else's shlong.

4. No other country could spawn two religions that are undeniable and complete horse shit, Mormonism and Scientology. Dudes just made both religions up. While I don't support either faith and the bullshit that comes from them i.e. those Mormon dudes on the bikes and the movie "Battlefield Earth", I admire the American brand of freedom that allows you to invent a religion but doesn't allow butt sex in some states. Does any of it make sense? Fuck no it doesn't.

3. R. Kelly. He couldn't get away with this shit anywhere else.

2. No other country has the stones to make the movie "Baby Geniuses".

1. This video captures just about everything I love about America in just over 2 minutes. Fuck Yeah.