I Am Photogenic

So I was just glancing over my pictures on facebook (yes I look at pictures of myself, you fuckers do it too) and I realized that I do not look my best in photographs. After a few minutes I saw a recurring theme in a lot of these less than flattering photos, and that theme is drunkenness happiness. Here are some of my finest moments in front of a digital camera:

This is me at one of my local bars in San Francisco. I am clearly hammered and it looks like I am being spanked by the bartender. Her name is Jenny.
This picture was taken on the same night as the previous photo. I am making a really creepy molester face that I cannot explain or defend. That shit is not cool.
This is just bad. I am clearly passing out. If you want an explanation, look no further than the bottle in my hand. That's right, Cisco. What's that? You've never heard of Cisco? Well read this and decide if you're ready to have a bottle or two.
This is a picture of me on New Year's Eve. I know what you're thinking..."Is that the black kid from "Angels In The Outfield?" Well I wasn't going to drop names, but yea that's the great American actor Milton Davis, or "JP" from "Angels In The Outfield". I am a hot mess in this photo. I've got the red face as well as the disheveled look going on. I believe there was champagne in that cup.
This picture was in Las Vegas. I know what it looks like, but that guy is not a sex worker, he is my good friend. Do you think cute Filipino boys just grow on trees in Vegas? OK that was a weird joke...withdrawn. Well anyway, we were loaded and wanted to take a funny picture. I think we succeeded.

Well that wraps up my display of drunken memories. Feel free to send me your own drunk pics and I'll do a post on all the pictures you guys send in.

Bikes Are For Wusses

Since the age of 11, I've hated bicycles. Even when I enjoyed bikes, I was never enamored with the whole idea. I started to detest bikes as I got older because my bike was stolen, so I had to use my little brother's bike. In my neighborhood there were all of these huge ramp-like bumps on the sidewalks that were either from the earthquakes (I'm from L.A.) or tree roots that fucked up the sidewalk. Kids who were skilled with their bikes would always use these bumps as ramps and shit.

Due to the fact that I lacked bike skills and a bike that was more size appropriate, I used to eat shit whenever I'd ride over one of those bumps. I would stand up on the pedals as if I was about to do something sweet but I was never able to get that front tire up and I would hit the bump and go head over handlebars onto the pavement. One day I just got tired of the bullshit and began to hate bikes and any asshole that was older than 14 that would ride one.

Throughout the years I've had more than enough fuel to keep my bike hatred burning strong. Lance Armstrong and the Tour de France were huge sources of inspiration. I was kind of sad when Lance retired because I needed a poster-boy for shitty bike-riders nationwide.

San Francisco has a large population of bike riding dickweeds that have collectively filled the void left by Lance Armstrong. Driving in San Francisco is already a pain in the ass due to lack of parking, hills, and traffic. The people that ride bikes in this town just make things that much more difficult. These fuckers will take up a whole lane at times and then be pissed when you pass them. These people should have to ride on the sidewalk if they are too slow and can't keep up with the flow of traffic. They act like they are driving cars, yet they refuse to stop at stop signs. Next time I'm at a four way stop and one of those bike pedaling hippies doesn't stop, this is what's going down:


That's fucking right! Obey traffic laws, bow down to the superiority of automobiles and get on the fucking sidewalk or...die!

My Trip To Fisherman's Wharf

Today I went on a trip to San Francisco's Fisherman's Wharf. Fisherman's Wharf is this place that is overrun by tourists. It's one of those places in a city that only tourists really go to. The only time I ever go there is to eat In-N-Out because it's the only one in the city.

Today I went because I had to buy one of those "I Heart SF" t-shirts for my cousin. Seeing as I've been starved for posting ideas, I figured I would kill two birds with one stone by mustering up some source material from the wharf. I was armed with a camera and took pictures of all kinds of shit. Fisherman's Wharf has a shitload of those little shops that sell useless shit that only tourists would ever want. Here are some pics of said merchandise.


Look at how stupid this shit is. A bunch of shot glasses with little fake criminals on them. I'm glad none of those little jailbirds were black because we would have had some problems with the storekeeper. I can totally picture some family visiting from somewhere in the mid-west just eating this shit up.


Yea, go for it! Dress your baby up as a convict, but don't be surprised when this becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy and your "Alcatraz Penitentiary Reject" starts holding up pharmacies. Also, way to set the bar nice and high for your child, we all wish our kids can one day be known as "Alcatraz Penitentiary Reject". Fuck any parent that dresses their kid in that bullshit.


If you don't think this is a badass jacket, then fuck you. Of all the things you can buy at the Wharf, this is by far the best. I almost bought this jacket. If I had it last week for the 4th, I would have had a much better day. I'm going to go back and buy that jacket when I'm not so broke.

Fisherman's Wharf also features a wide array of street performers. I got a couple pictures of today's standouts.

So this guy's whole gig was just standing still like that. That was it. I watched him for like five minutes and that's all he did. Sad thing is, he sucks and standing still. He moved like a million times in those five minutes that I spent watching him. Notice the Asian lady in the picture. She was hauling ass to avoid that guy.


This is one of those dudes that paints him self all silver and does the robot while making robot noises. There are like three of these guys on the Wharf. My guess is that this guy wasn't performing because everyone was down the street looking at the old gay magician who plays with the big silver rings.

Another attraction is the open air seafood market. You can just go up to these stands that sell clam chowder, shrimp cocktails, crab and all that shit. Here are some more photos.


This is where they cook the crab. That looks real fuckin' appetizing, don't it? The dude who was working that stand just left it totally abandoned. I could have put my balls in there and no one would have stopped me. What's to stop someone from spitting in that shit while it's unattended. That shit is gross, hell it looks like someone already pissed in there. I half-expected some kind of mini water monster to pop out of that shit, kind of like in that movie "Toys", when that killer water monster tries to kill Robin Williams and LL Cool J.


Here we have some pictures from the wax museum on the Wharf.




First of all, that top one looks nothing like Jackie Chan Yao Ming. Second, that wax statue of Barry Bonds could be better, but they did a perfect job of recreating Barry's super gay ear ring and what years of steroid use have done to the size and curvature of his head.

As you can tell by my collection of pictures, today's visit to Fisherman's Wharf was a devil of a good time.

My Post-4th of July Wrap Up

Alright folks, this is my brief wrap up of the 4th of July, a celebration of everthing that makes America awesome. Great things like baseball, hot dogs, democracy,blow jobs, strippers, breast implants women's suffrage, and Freedom. That's right, I capitalized the "F" in freedom, no typo. Overall, my 4th was bittersweet. I got to see an American kick Kobayashi's ass by eating 66 hot dogs in 12 minutes, but I was in San Francisco. 4th of July in San Fran is weak. They don't even have real fireworks here, I think they light organic corn husks that make little noises that sound like popcorn popping. Pretty wuss.

In any case, I had a nice relaxing day watching TV and doing a whole lot of nothing which was nice. At night I went to this hipster bar that has been described as "The Urban Outfitters of bars in the Mission District," so you could imagine the kind of crowd this place had. It was soul night there, which was funny because I watched a bunch of young white people dancing to soul music for a couple of hours. This was highly ironic to me given that this bar is in the Mission District, an area that was once highly populated by Latinos and Black people but all the hipsters with money moved in and all the non-whites had to move elsewhere. I got kind of drunk and danced a bit and had a good time. Overall, my 4th was satisfying despite the fact that I didn't blow anything up.

Will Ferrell In "Good Cop, Baby Cop"

If you liked "The Landlord", starring Will Ferrell and the adorable Pearl McKay then you're gonna love this.

Americans, Get Pumped!

Here are some of the greatest speeches in American cinematic history. Sure to get you pumped up on this 4th of July.



What the fuck is up with the blue camo in Street Fighter? That shit would never help you unless you were fighting an entire army that was tripping on acid or some shit. Dumb ass Van Damme. WHO WANTS TO GO WITH ME!!! Bad ass...

Happy 4th of July...FUCK YEAH!

Oh man am I psyched. It's 4th of July and I am loving it despite the fact that I'm in San Francisco, which is not the greatest place to celebrate the 4th. If you're like me and get a huge America-boner on the 4th, then here's a list of things that you can do to celebrate freedom, doing it big, and manifest destiny, the things that make America badass.

- Go to In-N-Out or any good burger joint and order a burger with more than 4 patties. Get it to go. When you get home start watching Discovery Channel or anything about third world countries while eating your huge, opulent burger. Be thankful that you are in America, not in some diamond mine, and that America takes everyone else's natural resources.

- Test the limits of your freedom by doing things in the name of America. Drink in public, wear a shirt with foul language on it, or anything else that would be questionable on a different day. If anyone bitches about it, call that asshole a freedom hater.

- Drink a lot of American liquor. Yes you can have Corona and Patron, Mexican liquor is OK due to NAFTA (North American Free Trade Agreement, for you non-educated folk).

- Gather up a group of friends and usurp as many small nations and municipalities as possible. Places like Micronesia and Liechtenstein would be ideal. If you really want to do it big you can take over The Vatican. That place only has like 900 people. Whatever land you choose to take, don't forget to bring an American flag because you're gonna need that shit to look all sweet once you kick the shit out of some small country.

- Aww fuck this, it's your freedom, do what you want. I'm no expert on freedom. Just make sure that whatever you do, do it big. Remember that being American means never having to say you're sorry...for anything. Happy 4th of July.