What The Fuck!?

These pictures were taken from a German costume website. Wow, not since the time an old, drunk Brit called me a "black Mexican" have I been so offended. Oh, and apparently the Germans have costumes that mock other races too, so Asians, Native Americans and Jews don't feel left out.



Pictures courtesy of Cracked

Monkeys In India Are Also Assassins

Some monkeys in Dehli, India killed a politician. Here's the scoop from BBC News Online:

The deputy mayor of the Indian capital Delhi has died a day after being attacked by a horde of wild monkeys.

SS Bajwa suffered serious head injuries when he fell from the first-floor terrace of his home on Saturday morning trying to fight off the monkeys.

The city has long struggled to counter its plague of monkeys, which invade government complexes and temples, snatch food and scare passers-by.

The High Court ordered the city to find an answer to the problem last year.

If you think that was good, check out one of the solutions that the city thought up:

One approach has been to train bands of larger, more ferocious langur monkeys to go after the smaller groups of Rhesus macaques.

WHAT. THE. FUCK. That is the coolest thing I've ever heard. I don't know about you, but I can feel a Monkey civil war brewing in India. If that shit goes down, I'm going to India when this shit settles down and offer Monkey Civil War Veterans money to fight each other on a pay-per view event. I'll be like the Don King of monkeys, or if you think that would be cruel you could call me the Mike Vick of monkeys. Honestly, I wouldn't mind either one.

Honda Made A Pretty Good Commercial

You see, it isn't that difficult to make a good, funny commercial. However, fucking Taco Bell has been making awful commercials for the last 8 years. Get it together Taco Bell, you're embarrassing the Latino community.

James Lipton Don't Love No Hoes

I don't know if this video is a testament to how cool James Lipton can be, or how soft France is. I mean seriously, if James Lipton can become a pimp in France, I can start my own organized crime ring.

Shit Happens

How fucking boring must Idaho be if someone shitting under an overpass makes the news? Hobos shit in front of my apartment daily and you never see any news cameras hanging around or interviewing my ass. You know why? Because San Francisco has at least 500 Phantom Poopers running around and shitting all over the place.

This Is Why Favre's Hot

Brett Favre and the Green Bay Packers lost their first game of the season on Sunday night to the Chicago Bears, but don't let that fool you. Brett Favre is still the hottest motherfucker in the game right now. Don't believe me? Check the video:

Who knew that Wrangler jeans and Hip Hop could coexist in such harmony. That's what America and Favre (because he is America personified) are all about.

Here's some more of Favre's awesomeness:


UPDATE: Congress is seriously going to honor Brett Favre. Get the entire scoop here.

Solid Gold

I have some great news today. A good friend of mine started a blog of his own and it is amazing. It's a sports blog called "Better Than Solid". I told him that I would implore my readers (all 18 of you...we're growing! Isn't this exciting?) to check his blog out. Like I said, this blog is awesome so check it out: nothinbetterthansolid.blogspot.com or just click on the link on your left hand side. As you can see I've also added links to other blogs that are well written and humorous. Check 'em out!

R. Kelly Keeps It Real

So it looks like R. Kelly has made a video for the song "Real Talk" from his legendary album "Double Up". Here's the video:

How awesome was that? First of all, that song is just ridiculous. He doesn't even try to rhyme or make any sense. I particularly liked how he was pouring himself some Patron. The un-braided hair was also a nice touch. While the entire video is entertaining, there is no denying that the best part is at the end when his buddies fight and R. Kelly slaps the camera. That reminded me of the time I had to slap a paparazzo that was taking pictures of me as I was leaving my apartment. As you would imagine, those pictures were published with a headline reading "Unemployed Sex Symbol Assaults Cameraman!!!" That sucked, and I can totally identify with the bullshit that R. Kelly and other stars have to deal with. Real Talk.

NEWSFLASH!!! Japan Still Kicks Ass!

Wow, that's fucking cool. Given the high volume of amazing youtube videos that come from Japan, you would think that they just think up shit that they know will entertain Americans for hours. I'd like to know if it is even possible for anyone to successfully ride across the lake. I don't think Lance Armstrong could make it across, but he's half the man I am. Who gives a shit if he won the Tour De France like 100 times, he only has one testicle.

I got this video from WithLeather. It's an amazing sports blog written by legendary stud and extraordinary blogger, Matt Ufford. High quality shit.

The Legend of Dino-Breast: The Largest Fried Chicken Breast...EVER

As you may or may not know, I have been buying boxes of frozen fried chicken from the liquor store across the street for quiet some time. Well the last time I purchased a box of fried chicken was about two weeks ago. Each box has about 6-8 random pieces. Well I ate the first six pieces of this most recent box and left the other two.

Fast forward to this past Friday. I was starving and felt like some chicken, so I figured that I would just polish off the last two pieces in the box. I pulled out one piece and was pleased to see a thigh, my favorite piece from the chicken. I'm all about the dark meat. Upon reaching back into the box for the other piece, I felt an unusually large mass. Without having seen the piece of chicken, I figured that the chicken had accumulated a big ass chunk of that icy shit that develops when food gets freezer burned. I tried to pull the chicken out to assess the damage of the freezer burn and make a decision as to whether or not I was going to eat the chicken. Only thing is, I had some trouble lifting the piece. It was heavy as fuck. I had to get my back into it. After considerable effort, I got the piece out. It was a breast, but not just any breast, it was the biggest fucking chicken breast ever. I swear to you, this thing was about the size of a football. Everyone knows that birds evolved from dinosaurs. This had to be a breast from some missing link between chickens and dinosaurs. It was the Dino-breast.

I was in awe. I love chicken, but I was torn as to whether or not I should eat Dino-breast. Should I save it and donate it to science? Should I keep it and make myself a fortune by going on tour with it, showing it off at county fairs and late night talk shows? It was a lot of responsibility at a time when I was really just trying to eat before I start to drink and go out. Seeing as I was trying to get intox, I decided to sleep on it and come to a decision in the morning. While I was out drinking at my local bar, I couldn't stop thinking about the giant chicken breast. It was consuming my entire night. When the bar closed, I was pretty drunk, but I was free to be with Dino-breast and think of things to do with it.

Me and my roommates stumbled into the apartment and I ran straight to the kitchen to see my prehistoric poultry. As soon as I grabbed the Dino-breast, the drunk munchies kicked in. My judgment became clear and I made a decision on the fate of Dino-breast. I was going to eat it. It would be exploitative and selfish of me to make money off Dino-breast, and donating it to science is something that a fucking nerd would do. Fuck that, I was going to eat it and take it's power and use that power to enhance my own legendary status. I took the Dino-breast and put it in the microwave. I set the microwave to 15 minutes on the "High" setting. It was going to take a lot to warm this fucker up, plus I needed time to catch my breath because lifting it and carrying it to the microwave took a lot out of me. If you think it's because I'm out of shape, then fuck you. That shit was heavy.

As I was about to take the Dino-breast out of the microwave, my female roommate walked in. Like most girls, she's all particular about what she eats and believes in fake ailments that you get from eating old food, like salmonella. She told me not to eat the chicken because it had been in the fridge forever. I ignored her because she doesn't know shit and I began to eat the Dino-breast.

(Before I go on, I have to assure you that the rest of this story is entirely true. All of this shit happened for real. Back to the story.)

Out of concern for my health, she ran over and grabbed the Dino-breast off my plate. I immediately charged toward her to get my chicken back. I stumbled into her and she grabbed me and we both fell to the floor. We rolled around fighting over the chicken like in the movies when they roll around fighting over a gun. I wrestled it away from her and began to munch on it. It was so delicious, but my pleasure was short lived. She grabbed the chicken from me again, but this time she threw the Dino-breast out the kitchen window. Keep in mind that I live on the second floor of an apartment in San Francisco. I ran downstairs with a flashlight to see if I could find the Dino-breast, but it was gone.

Just like that, a potentially life changing piece of chicken was gone. I get teary eyed when I think about how some shitty rat or crusty hobo ate my Dino-breast. Losing the Dino-breast was devastating, but like they say, it's better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all.

Endless Courage: The Tale of Dmitri Young

Dmitri Young is now the All-Star 1st baseman for the Washington Nationals, however the road to stardom for Dmitri has been long and hard, like a Peter North erection.

Dmitri Young was an All-America at Rio Mesa High School in Oxnard, California. He was drafted in 1991 by the St. Louis Cardinals. He was expected to quickly work his way to the major leagues, but his minor league stint was longer than expected.

Dmitri made his Major League debut with the St. Louis Cardinals in 1996.
After one full season with the Cardinals, Young was traded to the Cincinnati Reds. Young began to make a name for himself in Cincinnati, batting over .300 in his four seasons with the Reds.

Before the 2002 season, Young was traded to the Detroit Tigers, where he would become a fan favorite. Fans called Young "D'Meathook". He even made the All-Star game in 2003. Dmitri was riding high. He had finally arrived.

Enter 2006. '06 was a rough year for Dmitri. He struggled with alcoholism, was released by the Detroit Tigers and was diagnosed with Diabetes. With his career seemingly over, Dmitri could have just given up, but Dmitri is an alcoholic, he doesn't know how to quit. Dmitri Young would go on to tryout for the Washington Nationals and earned starting 1st baseman job. Young went on to become the Nationals only representative at the 2007 All-Star Game.

Dmitri Young's courage is an inspiration to people from all walks of life, the epitome of the American success story. Here's to you Dmitri Young.

Dom, Where Are You? I Miss You Sunna...

This post is a cry out to my good friend and HW&B reader Dominic. I never hear from him anymore and I worry sometimes. This is my open letter to Dom.

Dear Dom,

Where are you old friend? I saw that your facebook profile says you live in Manhattan Beach now? How is it?

I also noticed in some of your pictures that someone sucker punched you something serious. Jesus H. Christ, you really got molly-whopped. That looks more like you got kicked by a mule than sucker punched. I'd love to hear the story, I'm sure it's a good one. If I was with you, I would have beat that motherfucker like Jose Offerman beat up that one pitcher who beaned him.

How come I never hear from you? Is it because I never wrote that post about Dmitri Young? I am seriously about to write it right now.

Do you remember the time we went to that boring Jack Johnson concert and the best part was when security electrocuted that guy with a tazer-gun? That was awesome huh?
Or when we created our own college called "Tender State" in NCAA Football 2003? That was one hell of a team.

I admire the fact that you have four of those sweet New Era baseball caps with the black on the bottom of the brim. I admire you for having courageously kissed Lawrence Jackson's girlfriend a number of times.Lawrence Jackson

Dom, if you ever get a chance to read this, please give me a sign...or a text message or something. See ya buddy.

-Julien

Well that's my letter to Dom. If you think that way homo-erotic, then fuck you. You clearly don't understand friendship.

I'm Back!

I know I haven't posted in over a month, but I was on vacation in Cancun and L.A., so I didn't get around to posting. Rest assured that I am back with a vengeance and you can expect to see daily posts. I am going to post at least two more times today, so check back periodically.

I Am Photogenic

So I was just glancing over my pictures on facebook (yes I look at pictures of myself, you fuckers do it too) and I realized that I do not look my best in photographs. After a few minutes I saw a recurring theme in a lot of these less than flattering photos, and that theme is drunkenness happiness. Here are some of my finest moments in front of a digital camera:

This is me at one of my local bars in San Francisco. I am clearly hammered and it looks like I am being spanked by the bartender. Her name is Jenny.
This picture was taken on the same night as the previous photo. I am making a really creepy molester face that I cannot explain or defend. That shit is not cool.
This is just bad. I am clearly passing out. If you want an explanation, look no further than the bottle in my hand. That's right, Cisco. What's that? You've never heard of Cisco? Well read this and decide if you're ready to have a bottle or two.
This is a picture of me on New Year's Eve. I know what you're thinking..."Is that the black kid from "Angels In The Outfield?" Well I wasn't going to drop names, but yea that's the great American actor Milton Davis, or "JP" from "Angels In The Outfield". I am a hot mess in this photo. I've got the red face as well as the disheveled look going on. I believe there was champagne in that cup.
This picture was in Las Vegas. I know what it looks like, but that guy is not a sex worker, he is my good friend. Do you think cute Filipino boys just grow on trees in Vegas? OK that was a weird joke...withdrawn. Well anyway, we were loaded and wanted to take a funny picture. I think we succeeded.

Well that wraps up my display of drunken memories. Feel free to send me your own drunk pics and I'll do a post on all the pictures you guys send in.

Bikes Are For Wusses

Since the age of 11, I've hated bicycles. Even when I enjoyed bikes, I was never enamored with the whole idea. I started to detest bikes as I got older because my bike was stolen, so I had to use my little brother's bike. In my neighborhood there were all of these huge ramp-like bumps on the sidewalks that were either from the earthquakes (I'm from L.A.) or tree roots that fucked up the sidewalk. Kids who were skilled with their bikes would always use these bumps as ramps and shit.

Due to the fact that I lacked bike skills and a bike that was more size appropriate, I used to eat shit whenever I'd ride over one of those bumps. I would stand up on the pedals as if I was about to do something sweet but I was never able to get that front tire up and I would hit the bump and go head over handlebars onto the pavement. One day I just got tired of the bullshit and began to hate bikes and any asshole that was older than 14 that would ride one.

Throughout the years I've had more than enough fuel to keep my bike hatred burning strong. Lance Armstrong and the Tour de France were huge sources of inspiration. I was kind of sad when Lance retired because I needed a poster-boy for shitty bike-riders nationwide.

San Francisco has a large population of bike riding dickweeds that have collectively filled the void left by Lance Armstrong. Driving in San Francisco is already a pain in the ass due to lack of parking, hills, and traffic. The people that ride bikes in this town just make things that much more difficult. These fuckers will take up a whole lane at times and then be pissed when you pass them. These people should have to ride on the sidewalk if they are too slow and can't keep up with the flow of traffic. They act like they are driving cars, yet they refuse to stop at stop signs. Next time I'm at a four way stop and one of those bike pedaling hippies doesn't stop, this is what's going down:


That's fucking right! Obey traffic laws, bow down to the superiority of automobiles and get on the fucking sidewalk or...die!

My Trip To Fisherman's Wharf

Today I went on a trip to San Francisco's Fisherman's Wharf. Fisherman's Wharf is this place that is overrun by tourists. It's one of those places in a city that only tourists really go to. The only time I ever go there is to eat In-N-Out because it's the only one in the city.

Today I went because I had to buy one of those "I Heart SF" t-shirts for my cousin. Seeing as I've been starved for posting ideas, I figured I would kill two birds with one stone by mustering up some source material from the wharf. I was armed with a camera and took pictures of all kinds of shit. Fisherman's Wharf has a shitload of those little shops that sell useless shit that only tourists would ever want. Here are some pics of said merchandise.


Look at how stupid this shit is. A bunch of shot glasses with little fake criminals on them. I'm glad none of those little jailbirds were black because we would have had some problems with the storekeeper. I can totally picture some family visiting from somewhere in the mid-west just eating this shit up.


Yea, go for it! Dress your baby up as a convict, but don't be surprised when this becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy and your "Alcatraz Penitentiary Reject" starts holding up pharmacies. Also, way to set the bar nice and high for your child, we all wish our kids can one day be known as "Alcatraz Penitentiary Reject". Fuck any parent that dresses their kid in that bullshit.


If you don't think this is a badass jacket, then fuck you. Of all the things you can buy at the Wharf, this is by far the best. I almost bought this jacket. If I had it last week for the 4th, I would have had a much better day. I'm going to go back and buy that jacket when I'm not so broke.

Fisherman's Wharf also features a wide array of street performers. I got a couple pictures of today's standouts.

So this guy's whole gig was just standing still like that. That was it. I watched him for like five minutes and that's all he did. Sad thing is, he sucks and standing still. He moved like a million times in those five minutes that I spent watching him. Notice the Asian lady in the picture. She was hauling ass to avoid that guy.


This is one of those dudes that paints him self all silver and does the robot while making robot noises. There are like three of these guys on the Wharf. My guess is that this guy wasn't performing because everyone was down the street looking at the old gay magician who plays with the big silver rings.

Another attraction is the open air seafood market. You can just go up to these stands that sell clam chowder, shrimp cocktails, crab and all that shit. Here are some more photos.


This is where they cook the crab. That looks real fuckin' appetizing, don't it? The dude who was working that stand just left it totally abandoned. I could have put my balls in there and no one would have stopped me. What's to stop someone from spitting in that shit while it's unattended. That shit is gross, hell it looks like someone already pissed in there. I half-expected some kind of mini water monster to pop out of that shit, kind of like in that movie "Toys", when that killer water monster tries to kill Robin Williams and LL Cool J.


Here we have some pictures from the wax museum on the Wharf.




First of all, that top one looks nothing like Jackie Chan Yao Ming. Second, that wax statue of Barry Bonds could be better, but they did a perfect job of recreating Barry's super gay ear ring and what years of steroid use have done to the size and curvature of his head.

As you can tell by my collection of pictures, today's visit to Fisherman's Wharf was a devil of a good time.

My Post-4th of July Wrap Up

Alright folks, this is my brief wrap up of the 4th of July, a celebration of everthing that makes America awesome. Great things like baseball, hot dogs, democracy,blow jobs, strippers, breast implants women's suffrage, and Freedom. That's right, I capitalized the "F" in freedom, no typo. Overall, my 4th was bittersweet. I got to see an American kick Kobayashi's ass by eating 66 hot dogs in 12 minutes, but I was in San Francisco. 4th of July in San Fran is weak. They don't even have real fireworks here, I think they light organic corn husks that make little noises that sound like popcorn popping. Pretty wuss.

In any case, I had a nice relaxing day watching TV and doing a whole lot of nothing which was nice. At night I went to this hipster bar that has been described as "The Urban Outfitters of bars in the Mission District," so you could imagine the kind of crowd this place had. It was soul night there, which was funny because I watched a bunch of young white people dancing to soul music for a couple of hours. This was highly ironic to me given that this bar is in the Mission District, an area that was once highly populated by Latinos and Black people but all the hipsters with money moved in and all the non-whites had to move elsewhere. I got kind of drunk and danced a bit and had a good time. Overall, my 4th was satisfying despite the fact that I didn't blow anything up.

Will Ferrell In "Good Cop, Baby Cop"

If you liked "The Landlord", starring Will Ferrell and the adorable Pearl McKay then you're gonna love this.

Americans, Get Pumped!

Here are some of the greatest speeches in American cinematic history. Sure to get you pumped up on this 4th of July.



What the fuck is up with the blue camo in Street Fighter? That shit would never help you unless you were fighting an entire army that was tripping on acid or some shit. Dumb ass Van Damme. WHO WANTS TO GO WITH ME!!! Bad ass...

Happy 4th of July...FUCK YEAH!

Oh man am I psyched. It's 4th of July and I am loving it despite the fact that I'm in San Francisco, which is not the greatest place to celebrate the 4th. If you're like me and get a huge America-boner on the 4th, then here's a list of things that you can do to celebrate freedom, doing it big, and manifest destiny, the things that make America badass.

- Go to In-N-Out or any good burger joint and order a burger with more than 4 patties. Get it to go. When you get home start watching Discovery Channel or anything about third world countries while eating your huge, opulent burger. Be thankful that you are in America, not in some diamond mine, and that America takes everyone else's natural resources.

- Test the limits of your freedom by doing things in the name of America. Drink in public, wear a shirt with foul language on it, or anything else that would be questionable on a different day. If anyone bitches about it, call that asshole a freedom hater.

- Drink a lot of American liquor. Yes you can have Corona and Patron, Mexican liquor is OK due to NAFTA (North American Free Trade Agreement, for you non-educated folk).

- Gather up a group of friends and usurp as many small nations and municipalities as possible. Places like Micronesia and Liechtenstein would be ideal. If you really want to do it big you can take over The Vatican. That place only has like 900 people. Whatever land you choose to take, don't forget to bring an American flag because you're gonna need that shit to look all sweet once you kick the shit out of some small country.

- Aww fuck this, it's your freedom, do what you want. I'm no expert on freedom. Just make sure that whatever you do, do it big. Remember that being American means never having to say you're sorry...for anything. Happy 4th of July.