Tyler Hansbrough is Simply Irresistable

Look at this! Man he is smooth. These are Tyler Hansbrough's senior pictures. When I took my senior pictures, the creepy camera guy told me to turn my back and look over my shoulder at the camera while sucking on my index finger. Needless to say, I didn't order prints of that one or pick it to go in the yearbook.

(Photos are obviously from collegehumor.com)

Diddy is A Liar, But Meticulous

Everyone's favorite self-absorbed Rap mogul, Diddy, claims to have had sex with his lady for "at least 30 hours". Diddy went on to say:

"As meticulous as I am with my work, I'm more meticulous with lovemaking. I like to do it for a long time"

Yeah, OK. You can't have sex for 30 hours dude. Most people can't stay awake for 30 hours straight without Red Bull, Adderall, or some other kind of amphetamine, but I suppose Puff is really meticulous. That must be it, I mean if he wasn't so meticulous about his work he wouldn't have been able to make this great song and music video.

Wow! That fucking sucked. Is he serious? Was that a joke that I just didn't get? He needs to spend less time having tantric sex and spend a bit more time on the music side. I'm convinced that if I put a salamander, kazoo, and a microphone together in a room, my amphibious friend would make a better song than that Diddy song.

Only Pussies and Assholes Get Caught

The Chinese-looking Mexican guy pictured above is Taboo of the Black Eyed Peas. He got a DUI last night. San Jose Mercury News has the details:

INDUSTRY, Calif.- Taboo, a hip hop singer with the Black Eyed Peas, was arrested on suspicion of driving under the influence, police said.

Jaime Luis Gomez, known by fans as Taboo, was taken into custody Tuesday morning following a collision in the city of Industry, about 20 miles east of Los Angeles, said Los Angeles sheriff's Lt. Mark Relyea.

Gomez, 31, was released Tuesday evening with a citation for possession of less than an ounce of marijuana, possession of a prescribed medication without a prescription, and driving under the influence, Relyea said.

No court date was disclosed.

Why the fuck was he in the city of Industry? There ain't shit there. My first thought was that maybe he was going there to score some weed, but he apparently already had weed, so that's not it. I hope they lock his ass up Urbina style so that I won't ever have to hear another "My Humps" or any other Black Eyed Peas bullshit.

* Mugshot courtesy of TMZ.com

Ugueth Urbina is Fucked

Ugueth Urbina, the former closer for the Boston Red Sox, Florida Marlins, Texas Rangers, Philadelphia Phillies, and Detroit Tigers, is going to be in the joint for a very long time. The two-time all-star was sentenced to 14 years in Venezuela for the attempted murder of five workers on his ranch. Here's what supposedly went down according to ESPN.com:

The 32-year-old free agent was accused of joining a group of men in attacking and injuring workers with machetes and pouring gasoline on them at his family's ranch, located about 25 miles south of Caracas.

Urbina repeatedly has denied involvement with the violence, saying he was sleeping at the time of the attack.

The pitcher's lawyer, Jose Luis Tamayo, has said that Urbina surprised the workers by showing up at his ranch that night while they were bathing in the pool without permission. Urbina spoke sharply to them, but later left and went to sleep, according to Tamayo.

Lemme guess how Uggie "sharply" spoke to the workers who were using his pool.

"Hey you little fucks, get the fuck out of my pool! I swear to God Almighty and the seven fucking dwarfs that if you don't get out of my pool, which you cocksuckers forgot to clean, I will fuck you up with my machete! Oh and I won't stop there. Once I finish butchering you maricons, I'm going to pour gasoline all over your peasant asses and then burn you to death! You will be so fucking scorched that they're gonna have to take dental records just to identify your ass! Get the fuck out of the pool before I get pissed!"

I'm pretty sure that's all Urbina did. It was probably just a huge coincidence that the victims got hacked with machetes and doused with gasoline. I just hope Uggie is in good shape. I used to watch "Oz" so I know that prison can be rough, but who knows what it's like in Venezuela? Sheesh.

Undercover Brother Should Slow Down

The car in this video is a Ferrari Enzo. There are only like 400 of these in the world and they are worth over a mill. Eddie Griffin isn't a very good driver. Did you see how stressed he was? It's because he knows that he's gonna have to do another Deuce Bigalow and Undercover Brother movie just to pay this one off.

Man of The Week: Kobe Bryant

Los Angeles Lakers Shooting Guard Kobe Bryant is our Man of The Week. He went on a historic scoring run in the last week or so which has resurrected the Lakers' season and led to five straight wins after a seven game skid. The run started when kobe dropped 65 points on the Portland Trailblazers on Friday, March 16th. Kobe then dropped 50 on Minnesota, 60 on Memphis, 50 more on New Orleans. Kobe's streak of 4 games with 50+ points makes him the only player to do so not named Wilt. The streak ended when Kobe scored 43 last night in a victory over the Golden State Warriors. The Lakers needed just about every point that Kobe scored during this scoring run, they won each game by an average of 4.4 points. Pretty badass. He's definitely fucking tonight. Here are highlights of him ripping Memphis a new asshole and forcing all of their fans to the bottle:

Peyton Manning is Multi-Talented

Peyton Manning hosted Saturday Night Live last Saturday and it was delightful. Check out a couple sketches:
Pretty good huh?

New Snoop Dogg Video: "Boss Life"

I'm posting this because Snoop is a real man. This video has manly shit in it. Cigars, satin robes, women in lingerie, thrones, and fried chicken. All great things, all necessary. Oh and I almost forgot, the song is pretty good too.

Man, that Snoop sure knows how to smoke a Marijuana cigarillo. I need to start living the "Boss Life". I've got the fried chicken part down, now I just need to get the cigars, women, thrones and fancy robes. At least I'm 1/5 of the way there.

Tony La Russa Is A Lightweight

St. Louis Cardinals Manager, Tony La Russa is a drunk. Here's the scoop from ESPN.com:

JUPITER, Fla. -- St. Louis Cardinals manager Tony La Russa was arrested Thursday on a drunken driving charge after police said they found him asleep inside his running sport utility vehicle at a stop light.

La Russa gave two breath samples and had a blood alcohol content of 0.093 percent, Jupiter police said in a statement. Florida's legal driving limit is 0.08 percent.

Undercover officers saw La Russa's SUV sitting partially in an intersection around midnight and not moving despite two green lights, police said. Officers knocked on the window and La Russa did not initially respond.

The SUV was in drive and running, with La Russa's foot on the brake, police said. When he woke up, the officers asked him to get out of the SUV. La Russa was cooperative during his arrest, police said.

Getting a DUI is one thing, but getting caught because you passed out at an intersection is a whole 'nother bag of dicks. It just seems like such a weak way to go down over just a .093 BAC. So lackluster. Imagine the scene in "The Matrix", where Neo and Trinity ruin everyone in the lobby of that building when they are saving Morpheus. Tony La Russa falling asleep at the wheel is like Neo abandoning the rescue mission to run across the street to Burger King because he really wanted to try the new "Chicken Fries". Overall I think this is a great start for The Cardinals' defense of the World Series.

Man of The Week: Joe Rogan

This is the first of probably many "Man of The Week" awards for Joe Rogan. Joe Rogan oozes awesomeness. Most people know Mr. Rogan as the host of "Fear Factor" or "The Man Show". He is much more than that. Rogan is an accomplished martial artist and stand-up comedian. Rogan has also made waves by accusing shitty comedians and weak men, Dane Cook and Carlos Mencia, of stealing material from other stand ups. Here is a clip that shatters any doubt regarding Mencia's joke theft:

Carlos Mencia Stealing Jokes From Cosby - Click Here for more great videos and pictures!
Cheers to Joe Rogan, our man of the week!

P.S.- Check out that boob in the pic! Way to go Joe!

OJ Mayo Says "Fuck You" To Rules, Sportsmanship

High School basketball phenom and future USC Trojan, OJ Mayo played his last high school basketball game last Saturday. OJ was ejected from the game after dunking and throwing the ball into the crowd. Here's the video:

Shit yes. Anyone who knows me knows that I love that kind of shit, as long as it is appropriate. In the high school context, OJ Mayo can do whatever the fuck he wants. Sportsmanship went right out the window when people started paying money to see him play. No one knows what school he goes to but everyone knows OJ. His school makes money off of his celebrity, so getting a tech and being ejected in his final game is no big deal. However, he's an idiot if he thinks he can pull this shit in college and in two years once he gets to the NBA. Gotta wise up soon OJ, but until then, you're gold.

P.S.- Did you know that O.J. stands for "Ovinton J'Anthony"...Damn.

Fuck. Yeah.

I miss football season.

Tennis Is Sooo Hot Right Now!

Last Monday, I went to the Pacific Life Open Tennis tournament with my Dad and Brother. The tournament was in Indian Wells, which is part of Palm Springs. For those of you who don't know anything about Palm Springs, it's in the middle of the fucking desert. It was really fucking hot there. It's about a two hour drive from L.A. (if you drive the speed limit).

Well anyway, I went to this thing because my Dad is way into tennis and it seemed like fun anyway. I also figured that it would get so hot that chicks would take off their tops, but no dice. Tennis tournaments are pretty cool because there are tons of matches going on at a time and you can just walk around and watch any match you want. There are also practice courts where you can watch the players practicing. It was pretty cool because we saw the #2 player in the world, Rafael Nadal practice for a while. That guy is a badass. There was a lot of funny shit that I saw at this tournament that had little to do with tennis. The crowd at this thing was pretty funny. There was some nice off court talent, if you catch my drift. Some of the women were highly attractive, some not a as much. Over-tanned, 45 year old plus, white women were in abundance here. You know which ones I'm talking about. The ladies who look to years older than they actually are and have leathery skin from the insane amount to UV rays they've been exposed to. They reminded me of those commercials from way back with the singing and dancing raisins.

As far as tennis goes, there were some funny moments. When you're in the crowd at a tennis match, you can't do shit. You just have to be quiet. It's lame. I don't get it. It's not like tennis requires so much more concentration than other sports. This one douchy player was about to serve and noticed a fan that got up and moved to another seat. The player stopped his serve and stared at the dude until he sat down. It was ridiculous. You're getting paid to play tennis, just deal with some fucking ambient noise. You should be glad that people aren't calling you all kinds of names like "cock-sucker" or "pussy-face". Can you imagine the shit that Barry Bonds hears on the road? Yet, this wuss tennis player thinks that he is being disrespected by a fan who wants to switch seats. Lame.

We watched a couple of matches at the main court. We saw Andy Roddick serve some guy from a country that I can't remember right now. After that Roddick match we watched James Blake totally let down his country and lose to a Frenchman. I was pissed. The crowd was really rooting for Blake, which was crazy to me because I haven't seen so many old-white people rooting for a black guy since Karl Malone played for the Utah Jazz. All in all, it was a pretty cool day and a fine experience.

Alright, I'm Back

I know I haven't posted in a long time, I was on spring break. What did I do over the break? Not a whole lot. I went home (L.A.) and spent time with family. I will be posting with a vengeance this week, so check back often.

George Shinn is a chameleon, lemon-headed, coward, terrorist pussy!

OK, so I was wasting hours of my time combing the the internet looking for stupid shit like videos of people getting hit in the balls and animals attacking people and I cam across this gem of a clip. This appears to be some guy complaining to his city council about former Charlotte Hornets owner, George Shinn, and a "rogue helicopter pilot". Check this shit out:
That guy is fucking crazy. I once knew an old man named Erasmus Fidletooth who was just as crazy. I used to see Erasmus at the park as a kid. Like any old man he liked to offer the kids sweets while telling us stories that taught us valuable life lessons. The only thing is that he didn't have Werther's Originals like most old men. All he had was that nasty shit from inside of pumpkins packaged in ziploc sandwich bags. But at least his stories and life lessons were good. Actually, they weren't anecdotal stories at all, he just retold episodes of "Family Matters" and changed the names. Man that old guy was fucking useless.

So Easy A Caveman Could Do It

I don't know about you people, but I'm a huge fan of the Geico Caveman commercials. They're fucking brilliant. Well if you're a fan like me, get ready to be pumped. ABC has the rights to and is developing a pilot based on the cavemen in these commercials. The show is going to be about three thirty-something cavemen trying to adapt to life in modern-day Atlanta while dealing with discrimination. This sounds great. I really hope ABC doesn't fuck this one up.

Here's a youtube clip of almost every caveman commercial.

Van Dammage!

Do you like Jean Claude Van Damme? Oh you do? I know he's awesome, me too. Well here's some sweet Van Damme clips from movies and from his real life. Here's the first clip.

That one is from that movie "Bloodsport". I miss Mentos commercials. They were so ridiculous. I remember this one where this dude was on a date with a smoking hot girl and they're eating at this really classy place. Then the dude just grabbed the chick's boob and she made an angry face like "hey don't do that" and he just pulled out the roll of Mentos and it was all good. The commercial ends with them making out on the table because the chick was so impressed by the fact that the dude carries Mentos around with him. Here's another Van Damme clip from the movie "Kickboxer". In this one, JCVD shows off his dancing skills.

Van Damme was all drunk and acting sweet in that last clip. I think Van Damme hates Asians in real life. Just a hunch, don't ask me to defend my hunch with facts or anything, I just really get the feeling that he doesn't like Asian people. Alright, this last clip is from Van Damme on some shitty European TV show. I'm not sure what country it's from because Europe is all the same to me anyway except for Italy and Spain. I can't believe he couldn't contain his boner. He just totally gave himself away and the host dude totally called him out. If I was JCVD, I would have kicked that guy's ass. Only thing is, I don't think Van Damme can kick that much ass anymore. Look at how coked out he looks. It's sad. At least his junk still works even though he does a lot of coke. He could have ended up like Mark Wahlberg in "Boogie Nights" when he wants to get a boner but he can't. Van Damme is still a badass in my book.