I Know More Stuff Than Stephen Hawking

I am sorry that I haven't posted in over 2 weeks, but I've been studying a lot. I haven't been studying for my summer school classes or anything like that, I've been studying for a mental challenge. I am preparing to challenge Stephen Hawking to a trivia showdown. For those of you who don't know, Stephen Hawking is this old British guy in a wheelchair who discovered all kinds of shit about black holes. Here's a picture:
He knows a shitload of stuff about outerspace, but I can take him. Whenever I tell people that I'm going to challenge him, they all say shit like "How are you going to beat Stephen Hawking? He's the smartest person man in the world?" or "But Julien, you're a Sociology major, you don't know shit." Yeah, Yeah, I know already. While I may be a huge underdog, many people fail to realize that Stephen Hawking probably doesn't know a whole lot about non-sciency shit. Outerspace and Physics will only be a portion of the trivia. Do you think Stephen Hawking knows anything about sports, pop culture, cooking, or just how to live, period. I would kick his ass in all categories that don't have to do with science, or books that aren't "Hatchet" by Gary Paulsen, I fucking love that book. Do you think Hawking could build tell someone how to make a beer bong like the one pictured below?
FUCK NO. I Win. The categories would include: Sports, Movies, Food, Beer, Black Holes, Science, Music, College Mascots, Sociology, World History, Dinosaurs, and Women. I figure that these are all fair categories becuase they are things that me and Stephen both like. If he doesn't like any of them, he can fuck himself, if he's a genius, he should be able to figure shit out. I will win this thing. I still need to come up with a prize for the winner, but I'd be just fine with being recognized as the guy who is smarter than Stephen Hawking. People will come up to me and be like "Julien, you're so smart that it makes me cry when I read books because I'll never be like you no matter how much I read." I would like that.

Congrats Sir, You Are Past Your Prime

Today I went to the Union Street Festival with my bff (Best Friend Forever, for those of you who are not familiar with internet acronyms) Rob, his girlfriend, and a friend of hers. Union Street festival is this annual event in San Francisco where they close down Union street and fill it with beer gardens, food stands, and a shitload of stands with people who sell useless shit. It's a pretty cool event because there are tons of people drinking and all the bars on Union are packed. As you could imagine, there was a high concentration of off-field talent. However, whenever there are a lot of good looking girls, there are sure to be douchebags in hot pursuit.

The Union Street festival was packed with assholes sporting tribal tattoos, tight designer t-shirts, and sunglasses that only a Persian would think were cool. This is to be expected, so it doesn't phase me, but this time there were a lot of old guys sporting this look. A bunch of old guys who are over the hill. I'm going to break it down for you:

If you have frosted hair and 12 year old grandkids...Congratulations, you are past your prime.

If you have to cancel dates with a 23 year old waitress to make an emergency visit to your chiropractor...Congratulations, you are past your prime.

If you have danced to "This Is Why I'm Hot" in a club or bar while washing down your Centrum pill with a cold one...Congratulations, you are past your prime.

If you can't drink too much because you're taking Flomax to help urinary difficulties such as going often, going urgently, weak stream and frequently waking up at night to go...Congratulations, you are past your prime.

Now I know it sounds like I am being a sourpuss over old "hip" men pulling girls in my age range, but that's not the case. I understand that this is the way it works. Women like to have some level of security in a man, and I cannot offer that, seeing as I eat microwavable fried chicken that I buy from the liquor store across the street. As much as I hate to admit, I know that once I establish myself financially at the age of 49, I'll be in bars trying to pull women half my age. It sounds pretty nasty when you put it that way. Maybe I'll just get to making money sooner.

Julien Went To A Nice Restaurant....I Guess

So I went out to dinner at this "hip" Italian restaurant in the North Beach district of the city. I don't usually go out to those kinds of places unless it's a date, but my good friend Dom was visiting San Francisco, so it wasn't just any other night. Usually I'll just eat Popeye's or some hot-wings because it's cheaper and I like that shit better.

The restaurant was called "Pan De Rei" which I think means "bread of kings" in Italian, but I'm not sure about that. Anyways, this place was pretty good but not fit for a king, this place was too cramped. Kings like space and shit, you know so they can stretch out after eating a turkey leg or whatever. I was with Dom, a couple of his buddies from USC, and a friend of mine from San Francisco who happens to be the sister of one Dom's buddies that is with us, let's call her Rachel.

So we're ordering drinks and enjoying the bread with oil and balsamic vinegar and two of Rachel's friends meet up with us. I'm friends with one of them while the other I've seen around at parties and shit, but I couldn't tell you her name. The girl who I didn't know annoyed me right off the bat as she kept trying to sit in Dom's seat next to me while he was in the bathroom. There were like 3 other open seats. I doubt it was because she thought I was cute because this girl was part Asian or something and I am pretty sure Asian girls are afraid of me. So she settles for the seat across from me and Dom and she starts pouring salt and pepper in the fucking oil and vinegar dish for the bread...WHAT THE FUCK? Shouldn't you have some consideration for the people at this side of the table who might want to take their bread without a shitload of salt and pepper? I just watched in awe as she kept doing it throughout the night, and this wasn't a little bit of salt and pepper, it was a fucking ton. There was more salt and pepper in that little dish than in Queen Elizabeth's panties, if you catch my drift. I just ordered a mojito and got over it. I wasn't in the mood to call anyone out while I was trying to enjoy Dom's company since I hadn't seen him in like 6 months.

After I decided to ignore the annoying girl, I got to looking at the menu and I settled on the squid ink pasta with wine sauce. It sounded good to me. At this point I am really enjoying myself despite the salt and pepper girl. When they served us our food, I was surprised to see that the pasta was black. People were like "haven't you seen squid ink pasta?" No, I have not, I'm not a worldly guy. I mostly eat different kinds of chicken for dinner, and when I want to treat myself I drive 15 minutes to the Mission district for carne asada tacos, so anything with marine cephalapod discharge is new to me. Well the pasta was delicious. It came with a shitload of seafood in there, clams and all that good shit. While my tasty food, I also noticed the amount of off-field talent (girls) in the restaurant. A lot of good looking girls were in there, patrons and waitresses alike. I was having a great time.

Between the good food and the abundance of good looking girls, I began to think that I should go to places like this more often. This all ended when this douchebag waiter who was pretending to be Italian starts yelling to get everyone's attention. What the fuck did this guy have to say that was so important that everyone paying $19 for glorified Chef Boyardee needed to hear it? It was someone's birthday. It was some girl in the restaurant's 23rd birthday. Yippeee! The fake Italian insisted that everyone sing happy birthday, which only pissed me off further. I would gladly sing for a little kid or a 21st birthday, but 23? C'mon! If there was any consolation prize, the girl had pretty nice boobs, so when she stood up during the birthday song to accept her Tiramisu, I just didn't sing and looked at her boobs. Don't even think about calling me a jerk, she was wearing a very low cut top. She wants people to look at that shit. Well anyway, I guess it's just going to be Popeye's from now on, unless I'm on a date or decide that I want to spend $30 on some pretty good pasta and a mojito that is just a shitload of lime juice and mint leaves with less than a shot of Rum. Yea that sounds tremendous.

10 Reasons Why I Love America So Much

I fucking love America. I love America so much for more reasons than I can count, so I decided on ten good ones. These aren't the 10 biggest reasons for me loving America, just 10 that I thought about just now. Let's do this shit.

10. Being an American means that I can go to any foreign country and take a dump in the bathroom of just about any store and not have to buy anything.

9. America has it's own Superhero, Captain America. What other country has a superhero named after it? Could you imagine a "Captain France"? That shit would be weak, he would go around smoking cigs,eating crepes and just be a total pussy. Not like Captain America.

8. You can eat a breakfast burrito to start the day, In-N-Out (or some other delicious burger) for lunch, and Sushi or some other fantastic foreign food for dinner. You can't do that in any other country.

7. Buffalo Wings.

6. American Football. No other country really plays it (sorry Canada), and I totally understand why. Would any other country let their kids take part in this kind of sport: Yea I don't think football is going to catch on anywhere else, and that's just the way I like it.

5. Having Mexico to the south is awesome. It's like if you could have unprotected sex using someone else's genitalia. That way you could have sex with as many questionable people as you want without getting AIDS or anything. No consequences. That's what going to Mexico is like. Mexico is using someone else's shlong.

4. No other country could spawn two religions that are undeniable and complete horse shit, Mormonism and Scientology. Dudes just made both religions up. While I don't support either faith and the bullshit that comes from them i.e. those Mormon dudes on the bikes and the movie "Battlefield Earth", I admire the American brand of freedom that allows you to invent a religion but doesn't allow butt sex in some states. Does any of it make sense? Fuck no it doesn't.

3. R. Kelly. He couldn't get away with this shit anywhere else.

2. No other country has the stones to make the movie "Baby Geniuses".

1. This video captures just about everything I love about America in just over 2 minutes. Fuck Yeah.

R. Kelly Is On Fire

As you should know by know if you follow this blog at all, R. Kelly's new album "Double Up" was released on Tuesday. R. Kelly has taken the youtube route to promote this album. Here is a commercial for the album.
Is it just me or did he forget about "Piss on You"? You would think that such a powerful commercial, coupled with the lead single "I'm A Flirt" would be more than enough promotion for the album. Think again. Robert Sylvester Kelly is also posting short videos of himself doing regular things like eating cookies. That wasn't a joke, he actually posted a video of himself eating a cookie and talking about how good it is. See for yourself:
You have got to be fucking with me. What the fuck was that? How is this supposed to make people excited about the album? He has to know something we don't because I refuse to believe that he can be that stupid naturally. I just won't accept that.

So I Like Rick Astley. What of it?

Rick Astley is a badass. Rick Astley sings badass songs like "Never Gonna Give You Up" and "Together Forever". Oh, you haven't heard any of his songs? Well here's the video for "Never Gonna Give You Up".

Oh what's that? That video was gay? No, no it was not. OK so that one effeminate black bartender was a bit iffy, but that song is fucking tremendous. I mean, they did their best to make Rick Astley look like a pussy in this video but to no avail, his manful power comes through in his voice. His manfulness also shows in his lack of dancing skills. He does the same goofy move throughout the entire video. Am I saying that it is unmanly to be able to dance well? Not at all. I am saying that it can be unmanly for a white guy to dance too well and as you can see, Rick does not have this problem. Fuck the dancing, the song is badass and I have little respect for any so-called man who can't appreciate the musical styling of Rick Astley. Anyways, all I'm trying to say is that I love Rick Astley's music. I sing the shit out of his songs when I do karaoke. Fuck songs like "Don't Stop Believing" and "Paradise City", Rick Astley is what's up at the karaoke bars. He has a powerful voice that one would never expect to come from a white Brit, this makes Rick legendary in my book.

No, You Can't Fucking Play! Wait Your Fucking Turn!

You know what drives me up the fucking wall? I'll tell you. It really chaps my ass when I'm at a bar playing pool or waiting to play and a drunk girl or two stumble in and say, "Heyyyy can we play?" Well yes you can play, after you wait your fucking turn. Why is it that this kind of drunk girl can't understand that other people are waiting to play? Last night I watched this happen and it was killing me. I've seen it way too many times. Whenever someone tells them that they can't play, they always get all whiny and ask if they can shoot for you.

Last night some dude allowed the drunk girl to play for him. I wanted to beat the shit out of this guy for 3 reasons: #1 you don't let stupid drunk girls fuck up the line and piss off those who are waiting. It's inconsiderate. #2 You can't let her play or cut even if you are flirting with her because it only encourages this kind of behavior, plus you're not going to get any tang from her because you let her play pool. #3 This girl was ass ugly and this dude was just douchy in general. This also reminds me of all the girls who wanted free keg cups for beer at parties that me and my roommates used to throw. Random girls who I didn't know would always ask for a free cup. I would tell them shit like "Why the fuck would I give you a free cup? I don't even know you. I just charged my Mom for a keg cup, so you can forget about a free one." Some people just don't understand.

Music Review: R. Kelly's "Double Up"

The time has come. I have finally gotten to hear the legendary album that has been the subject of much speculation in two previous posts. That album is "Double Up" by the legendary R. Kelly. This album does not disappoint. "Double Up" is hysterical from beginning to end. If you enjoyed "Trapped In The Closet" then you're in for a treat because Kells only upped the ante for this album. The lyrics on this album are fucking ridiculous. You can't help but to laugh out loud at almost all of the lyrics. It makes me wonder if R. Kelly is a complete idiot or if he is just one step ahead of us. Sometimes I think it's a little bit of both.

The highlights of the album include, "Leave Your Name", "The Zoo", "Real Talk" and "Sex Planet". "Leave Your Name" is a song that is pretty much about how much R. Kelly drinks. He talks about how he gets so "blasted off that Hennessey" that he can't even answer the phone. Here's the chorus:

"Leave your name right after the beep and I'm sure to get back with you if I'm not asleep or smokin' on some trees or having a little sex or if I'm not faded or making a baby"

Pretty direct. R. Kelly doesn't answer the phone if he's sleeping, smoking marijuana, drunk, and having sex to conceive or otherwise.

"The Zoo" is a track about having passionate sex like the animals do. The highlight of this song has to be the monkey and elephant sounds in the chorus, along with this gem of a line:

"I got you so wet, it's like a rain forest, like Jurassic Park, except I'm your Sexasaurus."

"Real Talk" is just this song where he's having an intense argument with his significant other and he gets really pissed off and says things like this:

"The next time your ass get horny, go fuck one of your funky ass friends. Hell you're probably doing that shit anyway."

He then packs up his shit and someone named Milton drives him home.

"Hook It Up" is actually a cool song without any ridiculous lyrics. It's going to be one of the big hits of this summer off the strength of an infectious chorus and a pretty strong beat by Kanye West.

This album is highly entertaining. Is it good music? Hell no, but it's still a devil of a good time. "Double Up" is a roller coaster of an album that will make you laugh, cry, scratch your head, and feel like someone pissed in your ears all at the same time. I highly recommend it.

I'm Back/A College Graduate

Alright, I know I've been slacking on the blog as of late, but I had finals and shit so quit bitching. I was kind of busy and then I graduated, which was pretty cool. I still have 12 credits to complete this summer, but it's pretty cool to have gotten the graduation experience out of the way and now I can take these 12 credits and be done with everything as opposed to waiting till Fall graduation for my ceremony.

Graduation was this past Friday. I had to be at school at about 11:15 for the 12:00 PM ceremony. It was total bullshit because all I did during that time was put on the funny part of my gown that I couldn't figure out. The 45 minutes were spent talking to my life partner/roommate, Rob, about how we should have brought beer to the atrium before we had to go in the church for the ceremony. I'm sure someone would have bitched about it, but I saw some girls drinking champagne, so I would have made a huge scene if anyone bitched at me without calling out the girls with the cheap champagne. While observing the girls who were pissing me off by doing what I wished I had done, I also noticed some highly decorated graduates. Some had a bunch of shit draped on them to commemorate all of the hard work (ass kissing) they did during their college careers. I had nothing. Rob didn't either, so I felt better about myself. However, I did find out that I could have gotten a poncho-looking thing for being Latino, as well as a green ribbon for being a sociology major.

After the 45 minutes passed, it was time for the big show. The speaker was alright, our valedictorian was the shortstop on the baseball team and he gave one of the most awful speeches I've ever heard. The only speech I've seen in person that irked me more was when I was at this funeral and a step-son gave a really half-assed speech about his stepmother who had passed. That doesn't put our valedictorian in great company as you would imagine. Everything that happened between walking into the church and me getting my empty diploma cover was boring except for the part when the speaker said "Jew" three times in like a minute and I wanted to laugh real badly. He just kept saying it and it had nothing to do with the graduation, USF is a Jesuit school. Anyway, when they were calling out people's names, they had us line up and right before taking the stage you take a couple of pictures in front of a backdrop and then you shake hands with Father Privett, the president of the University, and grab your diploma cover. Here are the pictures I took:

OK, so this is a typical goofy smile that I crack from time to time, accompanied with my trademark backward lean. I don't know why I take pictures like this other than the fact that I'll take goofy/joker look over the potential disaster of being caught in a weird looking face during a picture that will be seen for a long time.

As you can see, this one is in front of an American flag. They also had a generic backdrop for foreigners and America-hating hippies who may want a picture sans flag. For that pic, I decided to employ a different strategy.

All business. I'm clearly not fucking around. Now give me my fucking diploma and let me get the hell out of here. That's what I'm about in this picture. Just let me hit that stage and shake Father Privett's hand. I had told myself that I was going to squeeze the shit out of Father Privett's hand when I got up there. He was going to remember me. Here's the photo.

Father Privett was dressed up like Jaffar, the villain from the Aladdin movie. As you can see, I'm smiling while I am approaching him for the handshake. I am really just buttering him up for a very painful and manly handshake, the likes of which he had never experienced from any butter-soft USF students, you see I'm a different breed. He was probably thinking:

"Oh look at the smile on this young fellow. He looks like a nice young man...OOOOOUUUUUUCH. MARY MOTHER OF JOSEPH! That was a firm and devastating handshake. Wow, that really hurt. Julien Rodriguez, I will forever remember you as the firmest handshake I have ever suffered through."

I saw all of that when I looked into his eyes. Fear, intense physical pain, and admiration. Well that pretty much sums up my graduation experience. Now I just have to endure a summer of classes to get my diploma. Shouldn't be too difficult.

Bobby Brown is Afraid of Wanton "Sex Moves"

I honestly have no idea what the hell this show is. All I know is that it's Bobby Brown's crazy ass and a white British dude whose sexual orientation is ambiguous (don't most British men seem that way?). Well anyway here's the clip.

Bobby is a wild motherfucker ain't he? I really don't get that guy. For a guy who was once known for doing some pretty lewd "sex moves" on stage, he didn't handle any of that gracefully. I can only imagine what has happened to him all those times in prison. In any case, it's his prerogative. Wow, I can't believe I just slipped in a "My Prerogative" reference. I apologize for that.

R. Kelly Is A Trickster

You may or may not know that I have already done a post about R.Kelly's upcoming album, "Double Up". In that post I reviewed the track listing and offered some thoughts on the titles. Well it appears that Kells had tossed us a curve ball and has changed things up a bit, electing to piss on the previously published list. Here are the songs that did not appear on the first listing.

"Get Dirty" is a collaboration with Chamillionaire. Nothing too crazy here. The true standouts of the new track listing are "The Zoo" and "Sex Planet". I cannot wait to hear both of these songs. Knowing R. Kelly, "The Zoo" is going to have plenty of references to how he fucks like a beast or something. Don't be surprised if he goes all the way and makes direct references to bestiality. "Sex Planet" has to be a classic. I'm hoping that it is about R. Kelly getting stranded on some far away planet where all he does is have sex with the alien life forms. I'm betting that he actually makes this song a satirical stab at the Bush administration. Another new track is "Rise Up" which is a tribute to the victims of the Virginia Tech shootings. I hope he does this appropriately, but we all know that propriety is not one of Robert Sylvester Kelly's hallmarks. At this point, I'd be satisfied as long as he doesn't stage an encounter with the shooter, Seung-Hui Cho, which ends with Kelly pissing on Cho.

GOB Bluth, A Great Fictional Character

GOB Bluth is one of the main characters on the greatest TV show ever made, Arrested Development. GOB is a magician, womanizer, and leader. Here is a collection of some of his finest moments on the show.

The Spirit of Truth Is Back!

For those of you who know me, you know I love The Spirit of Truth. This is a guy who had a public access TV show in L.A. He claims to be God, and as you can imagine, he's bat shit crazy. Here are a couple of the newest videos to hit the interweb.


You gotta love it. God loves him some gangsta rap. If you want to see more of this guy just do a youtube search for "Spirit of Truth" or "Rev. X".

David Hasselhoff's Still Got It

Entertainment Tonight will be showing a video of David Hasselhoff drunk on this evening's show. The video was recorded by his 16 year-old daughter. Supposedly, the Hoff is a recovering alcoholic and he had instructed his kids to film him if he ever fell off the wagon and got drunk again so that he could see the video once he sobered up, that way he could learn from his mistakes. Here's a preview of the video.

Holy shit, he just looked a mess. That was pretty low. Could you imagine being an over the hill American TV actor turned German Pop sensation that is piss drunk on the floor scarfing down a feast that included sliced ham and a filet-o-fish sandwich, all while your daughter films you and does her best to ruin an otherwise decent buzz? Pretty fucked up if you ask me.

Floyd Mayweather Hates De La Hoya, Loves Money

If you haven't noticed already, HBO is hyping the shit out of the Oscar De La Hoya Vs. Floyd Mayweather Jr. fight. For the last three weeks they have been playing a half hour long show called "De La Hoya/Mayweather 24/7". It's been airing on Sunday nights after Entourage. Basically this show follows the fighters' respective camps in the weeks leading up to the fight. I have to hand it to HBO, this show has gotten me pretty pumped up about a fight that I would have been marginally interested in otherwise. Here is a clip of Floyd at a photo shoot for the fight.

"My name is Floyd, my name is Floyd, my name is mo-ney May-weather." That shit is too good. This guy is pretty entertaining even if he is ridiculous. I haven't been this entertained by ridiculous behavior since I saw the president of my University, who happens to be a priest, watching softcore porn in the library. Yea that didn't happen, I totally made it up.

Slow Week

I'm sorry for not having posted anything in the last five days. I've just been gearing up for the stretch run before finals come. I'll still be posting, but don't be surprised if I don't update regularly. The picture is just up there because I think it's funny.

Midget Humor is Universal

Here is a nice clip of a Filipino midget named Weng Weng beating the shit out of a bunch of people. Enough from me, I'll let the video do the talking.
It doesn't get much better than that. How ridiculous was that song that started playing when the midget walked in? It was like "he's the man I'm longing to hold, he's the man I LOOOOOOOOOVE!" Bad ass. You can expect more Weng Weng clips in the future, don't you worry about that.

Will Ferrell Is Pumped About The Draft

Here is a priceless video of Will Ferrell trying to get by former USC center and potential 1st round draft pick, Ryan Kalil. Enjoy.
Jesus, that guy is hysterical. I'm glad that he's been keeping us all happy by doing little sketches between movies.

R. Kelly Is Back In A Big Way

Hot Wings and Beer favorite, R. Kelly, has a new album coming out called "Double Up". Here is the cover and track listing:
1. Double Up
OK, nothing too sketchy about that one
2. Sticky Panties
Here we go. R.Kelly getting straight to the point with this song title. If I need to explain this one to you, please stop reading this blog and experience life.
3. I’m A Flirt
This is the first single. You can watch the ridiculous video after the track list.
4. Rock Star
Yes you are a rock star, Robert.
5. Pull Ya Hair
Let me guess, is he pulling a lady's hair while having sex? DING DING DING!
6. Blow It Up
Knowing The R., this could mean anything from having explosive sex to actually blowing something up in a song. I wouldn't put either one past him.
7. Good Sex
Pretty self explanatory.
8. Sweet Tooth
This must be about oral sex.
9. Leave Your Name
I'm guessing that this is a song about sexual voice mail messages. Vintage Kelly.
10. Freaky In The Club
Pretty simple, kind of a letdown.
11. Havin’ A Baby
I hope he talks about more than just conception. I would love to hear Kells talk about child rearing. I could also see this as a concept song where Kelly sings from the 1st person view of a sperm.
12. Real Talk
I'm guessing that this is his tough guy song.
13. Rollin
Car song.
14. The Champ
This song will probably be R. Kelly bragging and combining all the manfulness of the first 13 tracks into one braggadocios song.

I can't wait to hear this album. This guy is in the same class as Gary Busey and Mike Tyson on the crazy scale. You could report just about anything about R. Kelly and I would believe it. I could see him making songs on just about anything and this track list looks highly promising. I hope he does a song with black kids singing the chorus again like "I Wish". Not for me, but for my buddy Seth who likes any song that has black kids singing the chorus.

Here is the video for "I'm A Flirt".

Colorado State Football Ruined A 4 Year-Old Kid

What the fuck did CSU think was gonna happen when they let little kids roam the sidelines. Rule of thumb, kids who are under the age of 11 are all stupid. They don't know shit. They believe in ridiculous shit like the tooth fairy and fairness. It was clearly that kid's fault, I mean who wouldn't want to pay attention to some live Division 1 college football? I don't give a shit if he's 4, it's quality football. That guy made a hell of a catch before he nailed the kid, but that little shit didn't even notice. I'll bet that kid grows up to do some weird artsy shit like interpretive dance or miming because he clearly has no interest in competitive sports.