Midget Humor is Universal

Here is a nice clip of a Filipino midget named Weng Weng beating the shit out of a bunch of people. Enough from me, I'll let the video do the talking.
It doesn't get much better than that. How ridiculous was that song that started playing when the midget walked in? It was like "he's the man I'm longing to hold, he's the man I LOOOOOOOOOVE!" Bad ass. You can expect more Weng Weng clips in the future, don't you worry about that.

Will Ferrell Is Pumped About The Draft

Here is a priceless video of Will Ferrell trying to get by former USC center and potential 1st round draft pick, Ryan Kalil. Enjoy.
Jesus, that guy is hysterical. I'm glad that he's been keeping us all happy by doing little sketches between movies.

R. Kelly Is Back In A Big Way

Hot Wings and Beer favorite, R. Kelly, has a new album coming out called "Double Up". Here is the cover and track listing:
1. Double Up
OK, nothing too sketchy about that one
2. Sticky Panties
Here we go. R.Kelly getting straight to the point with this song title. If I need to explain this one to you, please stop reading this blog and experience life.
3. I’m A Flirt
This is the first single. You can watch the ridiculous video after the track list.
4. Rock Star
Yes you are a rock star, Robert.
5. Pull Ya Hair
Let me guess, is he pulling a lady's hair while having sex? DING DING DING!
6. Blow It Up
Knowing The R., this could mean anything from having explosive sex to actually blowing something up in a song. I wouldn't put either one past him.
7. Good Sex
Pretty self explanatory.
8. Sweet Tooth
This must be about oral sex.
9. Leave Your Name
I'm guessing that this is a song about sexual voice mail messages. Vintage Kelly.
10. Freaky In The Club
Pretty simple, kind of a letdown.
11. Havin’ A Baby
I hope he talks about more than just conception. I would love to hear Kells talk about child rearing. I could also see this as a concept song where Kelly sings from the 1st person view of a sperm.
12. Real Talk
I'm guessing that this is his tough guy song.
13. Rollin
Car song.
14. The Champ
This song will probably be R. Kelly bragging and combining all the manfulness of the first 13 tracks into one braggadocios song.

I can't wait to hear this album. This guy is in the same class as Gary Busey and Mike Tyson on the crazy scale. You could report just about anything about R. Kelly and I would believe it. I could see him making songs on just about anything and this track list looks highly promising. I hope he does a song with black kids singing the chorus again like "I Wish". Not for me, but for my buddy Seth who likes any song that has black kids singing the chorus.

Here is the video for "I'm A Flirt".

Colorado State Football Ruined A 4 Year-Old Kid

What the fuck did CSU think was gonna happen when they let little kids roam the sidelines. Rule of thumb, kids who are under the age of 11 are all stupid. They don't know shit. They believe in ridiculous shit like the tooth fairy and fairness. It was clearly that kid's fault, I mean who wouldn't want to pay attention to some live Division 1 college football? I don't give a shit if he's 4, it's quality football. That guy made a hell of a catch before he nailed the kid, but that little shit didn't even notice. I'll bet that kid grows up to do some weird artsy shit like interpretive dance or miming because he clearly has no interest in competitive sports.

Michael Jordan Is Getting Over It

As you can see, this is a picture of Michael Jordan dancing with some young ladies at who knows what bar. For those of you who don't know, MJ is getting the business end of the most expensive divorce ever. He was forced to pay his ex-wife, Juanita, 150 million dollars. FUCK. If I had to fork that kind of money over, you'd see me doing a hell of a lot worse than Mike in this picture. I think I'd be playing Russian Roulette with a chimp while getting blown by someone, anyone really. I'd be saying "fuck it" on both fronts if I lost 150 Mil.

Inside Manny's Mind: The Blue Jays

Fucking shit man. When is this game going to end? Lets see, it's the top of the 9th and we're down 5-3. OK, that's not too bad. I hope I'm not due up in the bottom of the inning. I'm too hungry to hit, seriously, I'm useless to Terry right now. Christ, I need something to eat in a big way. I wish that guy sitting up on the monster hadn't dropped his crab cake on the warning track. If it had hit the grass I totally would have ate it. That was a shame. I wish Romero could just get us out of this inning so that we can wrap this up. Oh shit, Terry's bringing Timlin in. That's cool,he'll take care of this shit. Who the fuck is that guy at the plate? Let me ask Coco.

Manny: Hey Coco, who is that guy batting?
Coco Crisp: It's Vernon Wells.
Manny: You sure about that man? I don't think so.
Coco: I'm positive Manny.
Manny: Doesn't look like him to me.
Coco: You're joking right? They only have 2 black dudes and the other one is Frank Thomas and that definitely isn't Thomas.
Manny: True, it must be a black kid that they called up from the minors or something.
Coco: No it's not.
Manny: Agree to disagree.

What the hell is Coco's problem. That guy is so uptight. Always diving for balls and shit, just relax bro. He almost killed himself when A-Rod hit that homer on Friday. That shit was hysterical. Oh shit, this black guy just knocked one to center field. He's rounding second, I should be able to get a good look at his face. Yup that's Wells, Coco was right.

Manny: Hey Coco, you were right. That was Vernon. My bad.
Coco: Fuck you!
Manny: What did I do?

I swear that guy has a menstrual cycle. He can be real cool sometimes, but not today. Looks like Timlin has his work cut out. Man on third with no outs. Good luck with that Mike. I think I'm going to get some ice cream once this game ends. Some Chunky Monkey would be fantastic. Oh shit, Timlin got two outs. I didn't even notice. I guess I was pretty deep in that Chunky Monkey daydream. Who's up now? Scoreboard says Aaron Hill. I don't even know who the fuck Aaron Hill is. Timlin should be able to handle him. Alright, Timlin's got him down 0-2. Lets do this Mikey. OK fly ball. The ball's still in the air but I think Coco's got it. It's still going, going, going OOOOOOHHHHHH FUUUUUUUUCK. Wonderful. We're down 7-3. Shit. I just want to go home man. OK fuck yeah, Royce Clayton is up. This guy is fucking awful. OK he grounded out to third. Almost home.

Bottom of the 9th

Let me ask Terry if I can go get some candy or something.

Manny: Hey Terry, I'm starving. Can I go get some cotton candy?
Terry Francona: No Manny, you're due up third.
Manny: No shit?
Terry: No Shit.
Manny: UUUGGGHHHH.

I'm so hungry, so tired. I can't perform like this, let alone come up with a big hit in the bottom of the 9th. Lets see what these guys do. Youkilis is up, easy out. Ground out to third. Beautiful. Ortiz is up. This could complicate things. Oh shit, he grounded out to third too. I guess I had better mix it up. I'm not even going to swing. Alright Frasor, gimme some strikes so we can all go home. I'm not gonna chase anything out of the zone and look like a jackass, please just throw it over the plate. Stike one. Good start. Strike two, man I love this fucking guy. I'm gonna ask Theo if he can trade for this guy. Alright Frasor, you've got me down now finish me off. Ball. What the fuck man? Alright 1-2 count. 1-2 is right, right? I always forget which comes first, balls or strikes. I think it's alphabetical so the balls go first. Ball two. I don't like this guy anymore. 2-2 count, shitty. Alright, he's winding up...strike three. Fuck yeah, OK Manny, don't act excited. Act like you're pissed. Yea that's good. I can finally get something to eat. I'm gonna go ask JD Drew if he has any more of those Cliff bars. Those shits are tasty.

Gary Busey Has It All Figured Out Pt. 3

Here is some more Busey insanity. This here is a clip of Gary on a Swedish TV show called "High Chaparral". I have no idea why people in Sweden would be interested in Busey but who gives a shit, the video is entertaining.

Pretty Self Explanatory

Matthew McConaughey Can Act Real Good

Were you aware that Matthew McConaughey's first credited acting role was in a re-enactment on "Unsolved Mysteries"? Well here it is. He first appears about half way through the clip, so skip on through if you want to get right to it.
That show was tremendous. Who knew that an unknown kid from Texas would go from "Unsolved" to doing amazing work in films like How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days, Two For The Money, Sahara and the list goes on and on. Crazy ain't it?

Dos Equis (XX) Has The Right Idea

Dos Equis Beer, you know the Mexican one with the two "X" label, has a new ad campaign and it kicks ass. Fuck that's a good commercial. I want to be like that guy. Man that shit was cool. I am seriously going to the store and buying a 12-pack of Dos Equis as soon as I publish this post. I can taste it already, man that is some good marketing. Good marketing strategies get my dick hard. Awww fuck, now I'm horny and thirsty for beer. I'm in a jam, gotta figure this out. I'll get back to you guys on this one.

Adam Dunn: Living Legend

Cincinnati Reds outfielder Adam Dunn is the most manful baseball player in the Big Leagues. His legendary home runs are impressive enough to earn him the status of a minor deity. He has Herculean might. His hair is strong and thick, yet soft and smooth. His hair is so soft that former Reds outfielder, Wily Mo Pena is convinced that Dunn's hair is actually the finest silk from the orient. Wily Mo keeps a lock of Dunn's golden hair in his locker at Fenway Park. Wikipedia has chronicled some of Dunn's legends:

In 2004 Dunn hit an estimated 535-foot home run off of the Los Angeles Dodgers' José Lima that cleared the stands at Great American Ball Park, bounced on Mehring Way and finally came to rest on driftwood in the Ohio River. It ranks as one of the longest home runs of the last 30 years and has been rumored to be both the longest recorded shot in Major League Baseball history and, since the Ohio-Kentucky border was defined to be at lower water mark of the Ohio River in 1793, it might also be the first home run to cross a state line in flight. Another Dunn home run struck during the 2006 season hit a car passing by the ballpark on Mehring Way. Reportedly, the owner retrieved the ball and has not come forward.

Adam Dunn does things like this almost every day, but many of his legendary feats go unreported. This is why I am going to post every day that Dunn does something awesome that the sports media fails to recognize. Today is one of those days.

Adam Dunn went 1 for 5 with an RBI and 3 strikeouts today in the Reds' game against the Milwaukee Brewers. A pretty unremarkable day...from a baseball standpoint. What most people don't know is that Dunn's 3 strikeouts had absolutely nothing to do with the pitching. When Adam Dunn was in the dugout, he developed an intense rivalry with a bumble bee who had attempted to sting him. When the bee saw Dunn reaching for his bat, it flew out of the dugout and hovered around the on-deck circle and began to taunt Dunn. This infuriated Dunn. He couldn't wait to step into the batter's box and get his revenge.

The first time Dunn went to the plate to kill the bee, he swung at his enemy with total disregard for the pitcher who struck him out on three pitches. Dunn failed to kill the bee on his first attempt and on his second attempt as well. Enter round three. Dunn stepped into the batter's box and looked into the eyes of the villainous bee for the third time in five innings. Dunn took two swings that grazed the bee and left it hobbled. The bee had lost its quickness and was dazed. While the bee hovered in Dunn's strike zone, he uncorked a third and final swing that launched the bee into orbit. As Dunn admired his amazing swing, the umpire rang him up, strike three. Dunn simply smiled and said "You have no idea. He then sauntered over to the dugout and drank the rest of his Beer-flavored Gatorade. Dunn may have struck out three times to kill that bee, but it was worth it. He settled the score.

Welcome To My World

Here is an AIM conversation between me and one of my best friends. For those of you who don't know me personally, this conversation is a glimpse of the real me. The man behind the "Juice" persona of Hot Wings and Beer.

Juicemanji (10:28:02 PM): HEY DICKHOUSE
Juicemanji (10:28:13 PM): DICKSWAMP
Juicemanji (10:28:20 PM): DICKVALLEY
StrvnMrvnJ (10:30:21 PM): you fucking sloppy ass
StrvnMrvnJ (10:30:54 PM): whats up you herpes haven
StrvnMrvnJ (10:31:02 PM): that one was a stretch
Juicemanji (10:31:00 PM): nothing much
StrvnMrvnJ (10:32:04 PM): dickswamp, that is priceless kid
Juicemanji (10:31:36 PM): thanks
Juicemanji (10:31:57 PM): I like Dick valley too because it sounds like "Death Valley" only it's with dicks.
StrvnMrvnJ (10:33:21 PM): that's not a place you'd want to find yourself on a hot day
Juicemanji (10:33:30 PM): No sir.
StrvnMrvnJ (10:34:34 PM): dickswamp makes me think of swamp thing too - that guy is fucking grotesque
Juicemanji (10:34:31 PM): his dick must be the nastiest shit you'd ever see.
Juicemanji (10:34:44 PM): It's probably a giant leech or something
StrvnMrvnJ (10:35:18 PM): imagine what comes out of it
StrvnMrvnJ (10:35:23 PM): i am shuddering over here
Juicemanji (10:35:17 PM): toxic waste probably comes out of the swamp thing's dick
StrvnMrvnJ (10:36:34 PM): and nuclear bacteria
StrvnMrvnJ (10:36:47 PM): who knows what they put in those swamps
Juicemanji (10:36:25 PM): while were on the subject, I wonder what comes out of Grimace's dick
Juicemanji (10:36:52 PM): Grimace is the purple guy who kicks it with Ronald McDonald and The Hamburglar.
StrvnMrvnJ (10:38:45 PM): chicken nuggets i think
Juicemanji (10:38:55 PM): If his dick did shoot out chicken mcnuggets, would you blow Grimace?
Juicemanji (10:39:22 PM): You had to see that question coming.
StrvnMrvnJ (10:40:52 PM): haha
StrvnMrvnJ (10:41:13 PM): i set you up for that one well and good
Juicemanji (10:41:17 PM): I would do it just to see what Don Imus would call me. The McNuggets aren't a bad consolation prize either.
StrvnMrvnJ (10:42:24 PM): who is Don Imus?
Juicemanji (10:42:00 PM): You're fucking joking right?
Juicemanji (10:42:19 PM): Don Imus was the biggest story in the country all last week
StrvnMrvnJ (10:43:15 PM): ohhhh
StrvnMrvnJ (10:43:31 PM): who said the rutgers girls were bootsy?
Juicemanji (10:43:05 PM): yes, that guy.
StrvnMrvnJ (10:43:42 PM): haha
Juicemanji (10:43:21 PM): Bootsy, you went old school with that one.
StrvnMrvnJ (10:44:01 PM): i know
StrvnMrvnJ (10:44:09 PM): haha you know what i was reminded of the other day?
Juicemanji (10:43:41 PM): What?
StrvnMrvnJ (10:44:19 PM): remember back in high school calling ugly girls arby's?
StrvnMrvnJ (10:44:45 PM): pure class
Juicemanji (10:44:37 PM): It wasn't necessarily ugly girls. It was girls who got around. The idea was that their genitals looked like an Arby's roast beef sandwich
StrvnMrvnJ (10:45:48 PM): oh yeah
StrvnMrvnJ (10:45:51 PM): even better
Juicemanji (10:45:20 PM): I know
Juicemanji (10:47:23 PM): I gotta go kid, gonna watch "The Prestige" it's gonna be awesome. you know magic and shit
StrvnMrvnJ (10:48:28 PM): oh yeah
StrvnMrvnJ (10:48:32 PM): i finally saw 300 last night
StrvnMrvnJ (10:48:52 PM): dude i hope i dont dream about swampthing and shit
StrvnMrvnJ (10:48:56 PM): have fun with the movie

The best part about that is that the dude I'm talking to in this conversation is going to be this hardcore economic consultant (or something like that) in DC next year. He's fucking brilliant, yet this is what our conversation is reduced to. Oh and one other thing, don't instant message my friend's screen name because I changed it so don't bug the poor bastard who happens to have the fake screen name that I posted.

New Englanders Are Delightful

Here's a video that captures the douchebaggery of Boston sports fans.
Wow. Who does that? That pizza looked delicious. Is it just me or did that guy look terrified when the girl was cleaning his North Face fleece pullover? If you're a Red Sox fan, is it mandatory to own a North Face fleece pullover and one of those Abercrombie-style beat up Sox hats? Man I can't stand those fuckers. I'd rather take knitting classes with mentally retarded people than spend a day with a bunch of Sox fans. I would definitely have more good conversation with my knitting classmates than with a bunch of Red Sox fans that don't know dick.

Not On This Day

I know that I am usually good for two or three posts on Mondays, but in light of the tragic shootings at Virginia Tech University today, I decided that I wasn't going to post anything today. I can't come up with anything funny to write when there are 30 plus kids just like me who have been killed for nothing. I can't even begin to imagine the horror that has swept that campus and the families of anyone who was harmed as a result of the shootings.

My heart goes out to the all the students at Virginia Tech and to the friends and families of the victims. I can't imagine what pushed the shooter to the point of killing over 30 people and injuring another twenty or so. Really makes you step back and look at things differently. I am blessed and thankful that I've never experienced something so awful. Well anyway, I'm going to end this post by sending my best wishes to Virginia Tech.

What's In A Song: R. Kelly's "Make It Rain" Verse

In this post I will be analyzing the lyrics to R. Kelly's verse in the "Make It Rain Remix". Here is the video so that you can hear the song if you have yet to do so. Kelly's verse is the first, so you don't have to watch the entire video if you don't want to.

Now that you've heard the song, we can get into the analysis. Lets go through R. Kelly's verse.

I be drilling these chicks like Major Payne
When I make it rain, they be like "yo... do it again"
From the club to the coupe, inside my gates
Up in my bedroom screaming each other's name
They was perty perty, and I was flirty flirty
Lil' dro, lil' bub now they gettin' dirty dirty
Don't ask me what my name is, stupid bitch I'm famous
You gon' make me aim this, leave your ass brainless
I'm tryin' to stay R&B but these streets is a part of me
So don't get it twisted
You see I order one bottle, then I fuck with one model
Then I order more bottles, now I got more models
I'm from that city where them niggas don't play man
I take a chick to my room like caveman
So ask your girlfriend my name, I bet she go
"Skeet Skeet Skeet Skeet, Weatherman 'bout to make it rain!"

Alright. In the first couplet, I assume that R. Kelly is referring to intercourse with numerous female partners when he says that he "be drilling these chicks like Major Payne". If I'm not mistaken, he is making a reference to the 1995 film "Major Payne" starring Damon Wayans. Kelly then goes on to suggest that the women are encouraging him to "do it again". The next couplet simply describes R. Kelly taking his female companions from the club to his coupe and from there to the gates of his mansion where they will inevitably end up in the master bedroom of his estate where they will all yell each other's names due to sexual stimulation. Moving on, Kelly then describes the women as "perty perty" and this made him very flirty. They then go on to have a little "dro" and "bub". I can only assume that they were smoking marijuana cigarettes and drinking champagne.

After the smoking and drinking, they all proceed to get "dirty dirty". After the sex, someone, presumably one of the women, asks Kelly what his name is and he is outraged. Kelly then exclaims "Stupid Bitch, I'm Famous! You gon' make me aim this and leave your ass brainless". He is threatening whoever asked what his name is with a gun. This is an example of Kelly trying to maintain the smooth R&B exterior, while his hardcore soul will always be a part of him. This is the battle many artists must fight, the battle from within. Moving on, R. Kelly explains that the more bottles of alcohol he buys, the more women he has sex with. Very simple arithmetic.

Kelly then says "I'm from that city where them niggas don't play, man." One can only assume that Robert is talking about his Chicago roots. He then says "I take a chick to my room like caveman" What Robert Kelly is trying to say is that he will drag a woman by her hair, like a caveman, from the club to his bedroom if necessary. In the final couplet, Kelly croons "So ask your girlfriend my name, I bet she go
'Skeet Skeet Skeet Skeet, Weatherman 'bout to make it rain!'" Kelly is simply stating that if you ask your significant other about R. Kelly, she will tell you that he ejaculated all over her. Pure genius. That is all for this edition of What's in a song.

Juice's Liquor Cabinet: Cisco

Alright, do you like drinkin'? Well, you like drinkin'! Who the hell don't? Well this post is the first of a new series, Juice's Liquor Cabinet (JLC). Each JLC post will discuss my favorite drinks, drinking games, or drinking tricks. This post's drink is a special one.

CISCO
Cisco is a favorite of mine for two reasons. It gets the job done quick and only costs about two bucks a bottle. After two of these you'll be good and drunk. The downside of Cisco is rough though.

This shit is not for the faint of heart. Cisco tastes like a mix of paint thinner and melted jolly ranchers. The feeling after drinking Cisco is unique. Your emotions run high. One time, I was drinking Cisco while Barbecuing and I was feeling alright. I had a good buzz and I was excited about the burgers and hot dogs and all that shit. All of a sudden a light drizzle comes down. It wasn't anything serious, but it killed my mood and I got choked up and started sobbing. I'm convinced that the Cisco was the cause of this.

Cisco also has a nasty hangover. One of my buddies was hungover for two and a half days from drinking Cisco. I am convinced that there are unlisted ingredients in this satanic swill. Do I still drink Cisco? Only when I feel like a real challenge; when I am drinking for sport. I drink Cisco when I feel the need to eliminate any doubts as to whether I've still got it. I would never recommend drinking Cisco habitually. As I said before, there are probably unlisted ingredients in there, so don't get all strung out on Cisco. Even the most straight-laced and promising people can fall victim to Cisco's wrath. Just ask this dude:
Despite Cisco's potential for destroying lives, I still have to give it a 7 out of 10 on the Juice scale. This is Juice and I am signing off until next time, be safe and drink responsibly.

Busey Has It All Figured Out Pt. 2

We all know that Gary Busey is fucking nuts, but I felt like I needed to provide you with some solid video evidence of Busey's insanity. Here is a clip of Busey talking the late Hunter S. Thompson...kind of. I would make an attempt to type something witty to end this post but I'm still in shock over what I just heard come out of Busey's mouth.

Imus Vs. Pacman

The Commissioner did it. Goodell suspended Titans Cornerback, Adam "Pacman" Jones, for the entire '07 season. He also suspended Bengals Wide Reciever, Chris Henry for eight games. I know that the Commissioner needs to take a stand, but this doesn't feel right to me.

I'm going to take a break from all of the shlong jokes and sarcastic comments for this post. Between Don Imus and Pacman Jones, I am very frustrated. It is disheartening to see a group of exceptional young ladies recognized more for being called "nappy headed hos" than their accomplishments as student athletes. Don Imus has been suspended for a measly two weeks. Pacman Jones was suspended for a year. I won't defend Pacman's actions, he has fucked up on a number of occasions (I believe 10). However, he has yet to be convicted. Don Imus is also a repeat offender, having made racist and sexist comments in the past. I feel like Imus got off easy while Pacman got crucified to make an example to the rest of the league.

Pacman's conduct has tarnished the image of the NFL, but Don Imus' comments insult women and people of color. His comments feed into the ongoing cycles of racism and sexism in America. Don Imus' comments were more harmful than Pacman's misbehavior. Let me reiterate that I am not defending Pacman Jones, I am simply pointing out the racial inequalities that exist in America today. If Imus was suspended for an extended period of time or fired, I would not even be posting this. I get the feeling that the same people posting on message boards saying that Commissioner Goodell needs to "clean up the NFL and get rid of the thugs" are the same people who feel that Don Imus' comments "were just a joke".

Now that I have gotten that scatter-brained rant out of my system, I would like to get back to making jokes. With that said, here is what my buddy Dom had to say about Don Imus in an AIM conversation (all screen names were removed from the convo for privacy purposes):

Dom: have you seen what don imus looks like?
Me: Yea
Dom (4:23:18 PM): like a train wreck
Dom (4:23:27 PM): get a comb dog

Get a comb indeed.

Bill Brasky, A Great Fictional Character

This is the first of a new recurring post on this blog. I will be posting on great fictional characters whenever I get the itch. This is not necessarily a weekly thing. The inaugural post is all about Bill Brasky. Bill Brasky is the subject of a great series of Saturday Night Live sketches that you can check out below.
SNL - Bill Brasky at the Airport

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Bill Brasky

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Bill Brasky funeral

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Bill Brasky

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Bill Brasky would be the greatest man ever if he actually existed.

Gary Busey Has It All Figured Out

Gary Busey is the man. He is one of my heroes. I am very excited about the fact that Busey could be giving me driving directions very soon. TMZ.com has the scoop.

the loosely-wrapped actor has given his voice to the TomTom line of customizable GPS devices, joining such illustrious navigational talents as Mr. T (wheelman for "The A-Team") and Burt Reynolds ("Cannonball Runner" extraordinaire). Gary will tell you when to make a left turn, and when to turn things around. He also shares some advice for when boredom strikes your drive: "Honk at geese."

I am pretty pumped. Busey is bat-shit crazy. If you want to hear some of the outtakes from Busey's driving directions, click here. If I wasn't the man I am, I would buy that thing so I could hear Busey. However, as a man with a great sense of direction, I could never buy that product. I'm convinced that if guys like Columbus and Magellan didn't discover everything, I would be all over that shit.

I Did It! I Fucking Did It!

You wanna know what I had for lunch today? Fuck, of course you do. I was pretty hungry so I went to the fridge to see what kind of food I had to eat. The only thing that really tickled my balls was some leftover hot wings that I had from lunch yesterday. I would have just heated up the wings but I only had five wings, which is hardly enough to satisfy my manful hunger. I was kind of discouraged, but I couldn't quit. Did the caveman get discouraged when he discovered fire and didn't know how to handle it? Fuck no he didn't. He tamed the flames and he paved the way for me to cook, so I fucking cooked my ass off.

I grabbed the wings and peeled off all the meat. I grabbed four eggs out of the fridge and 2 slices of American cheese. That's right AMERICAN CHEESE. I wasn't about to use some dainty French goat cheese. Fuck that. I was making an omelet. A Buffalo Wing and cheese omelet.

Here's how it went down:

4 Eggs
Garlic Powder
Black Pepper
5 Buffalo Wings
Red Rooster Hot Sauce
2 Slices of American Cheese

It was tremendous. It was one of the greatest omelets in the history of Mandom. You don't believe me? I have photo evidence.

That's a big fuckin' omelet. It was heavier than Star Jones before the gastric bypass surgery. I needed a fucking forklift to flip that omelet in the pan and a crane to get it onto my plate. As you can see I had a beer (High Life) with my masterpiece. I also had some Blue Cheese with it because you gotta eat hot wings with some blue cheese. This omelet had everything. Good mix of flavors, well cooked, and fine texture. Here's a look at the inside of the omelet.

Pretty sexy huh. You know I polished it off as well. It was a lot of food, but I was pretty hungry because I took a big ass dump like an hour before I started cooking. Here's the aftermath of the delicious work of art.

Very impressive, I know. All in a day's work for a man like me.

Billy Packer Won't Back Down or "Fag Out"

I wasn't going to post on this story, but it's become such a big deal that I kind of have to at this point. Shitty sports announcer, Billy Packer was on Charlie Rose's PBS show and dropped a less than PC bomb. Here's the clip. Disregard the shitty Jimmy Kimmel joke at the end. This was the only footage of the Packer incident that I could find. Man I hate Jimmy Kimmel.
So the reason I am finally posting on this is because Billy Packer isn't apologizing on the grounds that "Fag out" was said in a context that has nothing to do with homosexuality.

"Fagging" is a reference to a junior boy who acted as servant to a senior boy at a British independent school. “Fag” came to mean a tedious or labour-intensive chore, and “fagged out” to mean exhausted by hard work.

Packer used this as his defense, which I guess is legitimate. However, Packer still should have the decency to apologize to whoever he may have offended. Most people were unaware of Packer's definition of "Fag out". Whether his intention was hateful or not, he should have the common sense and consideration to not use words that could offend people when he just as easily could have said "wuss out". Had he said something other than "fag out" he still could have gotten his point across and not offended anyone. I know that my blog can be offensive at times, but it is clearly a joke and everyone who reads this knows me personally. I make jokes and such here but I would never want to offend people and if I were to offend anyone, I would certainly apologize and try to be more sensitive about such things. With that said, here is a big portion of wikipedia's page on "fagging". If you can read this whole thing without the slightest chuckle then you are much more mature than I am and you probably shouldn't waste anymore of your time on this blog.

In British public schools, fagging was a system under which a junior boy performed certain duties for a senior, generally with the full approval of the authorities. The details of this custom vary slightly in different schools, but its purpose was generally the maintenance of discipline among the boys themselves.

Dr. Arnold of Rugby defined fagging as the power given by the supreme authorities of the school to the Sixth Form, to be exercised by them over younger boys. Older pupils, in a sense trustees, would take responsibility for the behaviour of younger boys, thus helping the staff to avoid anarchy. Fagging was a fully established system at Eton and Winchester in the 16th century, and is probably a good deal older.

During the 19th century, almost all British public schools adopted a fagging system.
The right to fag carries with it certain well-defined duties. The senior, called fag-master, also known as the protector of his fags, is responsible for their happiness and good conduct. In cases of bullying or injustice, their appeal is to him, not to the form-master, or house master, and, except in the gravest cases, all incidents are dealt with by the fag-master on his own responsibility and without report to the master.

The duties undertaken by fags, the time taken, and their general treatment, varied widely. Each school had its own tradition. Until circa 1900 a fag's duties included such humble tasks as blacking boots, brushing clothes and cooking breakfasts, and there was no limit as to hours. Almost all the fag's spare time could be so monopolized. Later, fagging was restricted to such light tasks as running errands, bringing tea to the masters' study and fagging at cricket or football.

The 1911 Britannica details an evolution of the role at Eton college. Roald Dahl relates in his autobiography being told, as a fag, to warm toilet seats for older boys. Stephen Fry describes a practice similar to fagging used as punishment.

Examples of fagging feature in Julian Mitchell's play Another Country, and Lindsay Anderson's film If (1968)
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*The Erick Estrada pic above is the first picture I saw when I did a google image search for the word "fag". The other pic is a drawing of a "fag" in the Packer context. I may very well have broken some kind of record for using "fag" in a post for a non-homophobic blog.

The Japanese Make Great Dick Jokes

In Japan there is a TV show called "Mokkori". This is what "Mokkori" means according to wikipedia:

Mokkori is a Japanese sound symbol word (gitaigo) that essentially represents the "sound" of something sticking out in a flat surface, or the sound of something rising very quickly. A popular term with fans of 80s Japanese animation, it was popularized in the manga and anime City Hunter by Tsukasa Hojo. Ryo Saeba, the main character of City Hunter, took jobs to help people in need, always on the lookout for a "mokkori chance" (in the context of the series, a chance to do something perverted with a pretty woman). Basically representing the sound or concept of an erection rising, the term mokkori is one of the single most alien linguistic concepts in the Japanese language.Mokkori-kun is a T-shirt character from Japan based on a character used to promote mushrooms. Its unique shape is a sales point with T-shirt customers.

That picture is fuckin' priceless huh? A "unique shape" uh yeah, those are testicles. I've had the Japanese Matsutake mushroom with my Jap (is it OK to say that? Too soon?) buddy and that mushroom did not have balls at it's base. Well anyway, there is a TV show called "Mokkori" about this dude who walks around in public with a huge boner. Check it out.

The Japanese already make amazing obstacle courses, and now they are making better dick jokes than we are? Something has to be done.

NEWSFLASH: Bill O'Reilly Is Still A Cock Sucker

A couple days ago I did a post regarding H.W. and B (Hot Wings and Beer for future reference) favorite, Snoop Dogg and his comments about Bill O'Reilly on Dutch TV. Snoop said "Fuck Bill O'Reilly" among other things. Well Bill has fired back and in this clip he reminds us all of why he's such a douche.
Wow that guy is a dick. I have a lot of shit to say about that guy and his sad quest to destroy Rap music, but this blog is for making fun of people, sports, and shlong jokes so I'll just save my thoughts for another time.

A Critical Life Decision

I'm almost 22 years old and about to complete my undergrad degree in Sociology. There isn't much I have to complain about. My parents work their asses off so that I can go to school and enjoy myself while I'm getting my education. I only have one real responsibility, to get my degree. I have the privilege of living relatively stress free and enjoy the city of San Francisco. However, there are times when I am forced to make big time life decisions.

This morning was one of those times. At about 7:15 AM, I walked out of my apartment so that I could make my way to my 7:45 AM Spanish class. It takes me about 7-10 minutes to get to class and about 10 minutes to get a lox bagel for breakfast from this one place I like. That gives me about 10-15 minutes to look for parking near campus. I was right on time, until I felt my stomach turn over. I had to take a shit. This wasn't one of those shits that I could delay for an hour or two. Something had to be done. This was a huge problem. I like to take my time on the toilet, at least 10 minutes. This meant that I had to choose between having 15-20 minutes to look for parking, eating breakfast, and taking this dump.

I had to take the dump, there was no other option but to park, then poop and go to class. I parked my car then jogged into the Education building and made it to the bathroom. I was close but I made it in time. I was very relieved, I even said "AAHHHH" out loud, like I just took a gulp of a cold beer on a hot day. However, I still hadn't had anything to eat. This is bad for me because I have class from 7:45 AM until 2:20 PM without any breaks. I would starve and possibly cry out loud in class due to hunger pains. I had to take the dump because sobbing from hunger pains is still less embarrassing than shitting myself in class. I got lucky when my Spanish class got out a half hour early, allowing me to go and get my bagel. I was confronted with adversity and I overcame. I made the right decisions and ended up winning in every way; no shitting my pants and no hunger pains. AWESOME. I am so ready for the real world once I graduate.

Great Moments of Idiocy in Sports

I've compiled videos of some of my favorite moments of dumbass behavior in sports. They are in no particular order, I love them all as if they were my children. Here we go.

Jim Mora's rant about the "Playoffs"
This one is wonderful, we've all seen it. I remember when it happened and just thinking to myself, "wow, there's no way he's coaching the Colts next season." I'm pretty sure I wasn't the only one.

Allen Iverson talks about "Practice"

AI just reminding us of why college ball is more entertaining than the NBA, because they actually practice.

Anthony Reddick's Apology

I hope not too many people have seen this. I'm glad that Anthony Reddick is a nobody because this is rough to watch. Could you imagine if Reggie Bush spoke like that guy? I think that would set black people back like 3 years.

What the hell is Joakim saying?

Mr. Noah, what you've just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this arena is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.

Tim Hardaway hates gay people

Homophobia isn't usually funny, but I can't help but laugh at this every time. Insanely idiotic, so highly inappropriate.

The Greatest of Them All...Iron Mike Tyson

How am I supposed to follow that up?

The Mayor of Cincy Throws Like A Girl

I know that 90% of blogs that are at all sports related have posted this video. I don't give a shit, this is too good for me not to post on. This is the mayor of Cincinnati throwing out the 1st pitch of their game on Monday.
Holy shit, that guy is awful. That was about as un-manful as it gets.

BREAKING NEWS: Bill O'Reilly Hates Snoop Dogg and Is A Racist

Snoop spoke on All-World douchebag Bill O'Reilly on a Dutch TV talk show. Here's what Snoop-a-loop had to say I know this is all very shocking, but I'll do my best to keep you posted with any developments on this story.