Man of The Week: Julio Iglesias

This week's honoree is Spanish crooner and bedroom stallion, Julio Iglesias. Iglesias has sold over 250 million records worldwide and performed over 5,000 concerts. You have to figure that Julio had sex twice for every record sold and five times for each concert. That that means Julio had sex at least 500,025,000 times...that we know of. His musical career started in the 1970's and he's been stroking non-stop ever since. It would be safe to assume that Julio has had sex on just about every kind of public transportation and in every English, Spanish, French, German, and Italian speaking country. Julio is a very virile man but, unfortunately, his sperm appears to have a half-life. He has two sons from his first marriage, Julio Jr. and Erique. Neither of which have become the man that their father is. Rumor has it that Julio Iglesias is the real father of the Dreamboat himself, Tom Brady. That would explain a lot.

Jesus Titty-fucking Christ...She's Psycho

"Aww shit man. Britney's here. She wants to see the kids and shit. Damn. I didn't think she remembered how to get to my place. I'm just not gonna answer the door."

"Ding Dong"

"Britney, there's a doorbell. You don't have to make the ding dong noise with your mouth. Don't bother ringing the real bell anyway, I'm not gonna let you in."

"Why not? I wanna see the kids."

"You're a mess right now. You'll scare them. I can't let them see you like this. Go back to rehab."

"FUCK YOU KEVIN!"

(looking through the blinds)
"Oh man she looks pissed. Snap son. I'm kind of enjoying this. What the fuck? Paparazzi. Uh oh, she's really gonna flip out now."

"Holy Shit! I didn't expect that shit. She beat that dude's car with an umbrella! Did you see the look in her eyes? Straight crazy. She looked like Sigourney Weaver in them Alien movies. All bald and angry, wanting to fight and shit. Yeah that's how she looked. Shit man, I kinda feel sorry for those people she just flipped out on. Maybe I should have let her in for a minute or two. Whatever, just one more piece of evidence for the custody battle. Booyaaa!

Pacman Jones Is In Trouble...Again.

I can't say I'm surprised that Tennessee Titans Star Cornerback, Adam "Pacman" Jones is in the Police blotter again. This is the same guy who was arrested in August for spitting in the face of a woman who allegedly stole his wallet and was booked again in October for spitting on another lady in a nightclub. He's a serial spitter, but this time he got in trouble for, as the kids say "making it rain". Here's the scoop from ESPN.com:

LAS VEGAS -- Police seized $81,020 in cash belonging to Tennessee Titans cornerback Adam "Pacman" Jones, money they said sparked a melee and a triple shooting at a strip club over the weekend, court documents show.

Jones was showering more than 40 strippers onstage at Minxx Gentlemen's Club & Lounge early Monday with the cash "intended as a visual effect," according to a search warrant. But a scuffle broke out when the Houston promoter who hired the strippers told them to pick the money up.

The promoter, identified as Chris Mitchell, owner of "Harlem Knights," and a male associate took a plastic trash bag containing Jones' money and walked out the front door, the warrant says. Police recovered the money and two Breitling watches inside a safe at Mitchell's hotel room Monday morning.

Mitchell, according to the warrant, "admits that he took the money in the bag belonging to Jones because he thought it was for the dancers."

After Mitchell left the club, "a melee broke out," the warrant says.

"Jones became irate about the loss of his money, and the fact that girls were in a frenzy, picking up the money at their feet," the warrant says.

Wow. So during this frenzy three people got shot. What I want to know is why Pacman needed had to drop G's like Kobe dropped points on the Toronto Raptors (81 for those of you who are slow). That is beyond excessive. Why the hell did he get agitated when the strippers picked up the money? He surely wasn't going to pick up all that money and put it back in his pockets, was he? Just absurd. I'm still stuck on that $81,000. I can't begin to comprehend throwing that much money away. I was giving a bum a dollar one time and I a second dollar bill fell out of my wallet and the bum picked it up and took off running. I only wanted to give him a buck so I shouted "Hey, I need that! I was only gonna give you one!" and he yelled back "I need it more." That's about as close to Pacman's story as I've ever gotten.

It's Ash Wednesday!

So I got out of class today and saw a bunch of people walking around campus with soot crosses on their foreheads. I was like "what kind of shit is this? Oh Yea Ash Wednesday." I know what Ash Wednesday is despite not being Christian because I go to a Jesuit school. I've seen these people rubbing chimney dirt on their foreheads for the last couple of years. I didn't know too much about Ash Wednesday, but I do know that it means that Easter is 46 days away. This 46 day period is called Lent. Catholics like to fast or give up something for lent. For example, someone may choose to give up eating pork during lent. I once knew this guy who said he was gonna give up masturbation for Lent, but I think he was missing the point. Well anyway, I'm not giving shit up because I don't have to. All this means to me is that Easter is in 46 days and Easter kicks ass. Here are a few reasons why:

1. All types of candy that you can only get during Easter comes back. Cadbury Cream Eggs and all of that shit. Fuck those little marshmallow birds that are covered in that sugary shit. Those things are gross, but most of that candy is good.

2. Easter gives us all an excuse to throw some kind of costume theme party. This means that girls wear those sexy lingerie-bunny outfits. I'm not sure what kind of outfit a guy would wear that would be Easter-appropriate. Maybe I can dress up as black Jesus, the easter bunny, or maybe just wear Easter-like pastel Polo shirts.

3. Easter also gives young adults the green light to play any practical jokes they want, as long as multicolored eggs are involved. A good one is to get one of those egg painting kits and paint a whole mess of eggs without boiling them. Once you're done you take your eggs around and give them to people who will think they're boiled and eventually that egg will break and they'll get egg yolk all over their clothes. Pretty sweet huh?

4. Dirty Easter jokes. There are a bunch of them, but here's one of my favorites. Why did the Easter Bunny hide his eggs? Because he didn't want anyone to know that he was fucking a chicken. That joke is interchangeable with just about every NBA player if you can reword it properly. But seriously, there are a lot of good Easter jokes.

Well we have those four things to be pumped about. Come Easter, I'll let you know how much I indulged in each one. Peace.

I DID IT! I FUCKING DID IT!

YESSSS. I did it. I fucking did it. I drove the bitch crazy. I can't believe she cut her hair off. What was she thinking? If she thinks that she'll win custody of the kids by doing this shit, well she's got another thing coming. For real though, I can't wait for the judge to give me the custody of Sean Preston and uhhh...the other one, fuck I forgot his name. Gimme a break, I've only seen him like twice since he was born, I barely know the guy. This is not going to go over well with the judge. OK, I'm gonna just look this up on wikipedia. Alright, it says here that his name is Jayden. Yeah that sounds right, that's it. Jayden.

I know I'm gonna be a good pops, I'm sure of it. I'll be a better parent than Britney is, that's for damn sure. Do I really want the kids because I want to hang out with them? Not really. I want the kids for one reason and one reason only. Two words bitch, child support. I'm gonna collect so much money in child support, that shit is gonna be great. I can't wait to use that money to re-release my album. I know that it didn't sell well, but it's all about timing. I'm sure that if I drop the album this summer with a couple of bonus tracks that weren't on the last joint, I'll go platinum. No doubt.

I know that I have to have a better pitch when I'm up against Britney in court. No problem. That shit is a layup. I'll just keep bringing up the fact that she's psycho. Sure I'm unemployed and hated-on worldwide, but that still beats that crazy bald bitch. Who Wins? K-Fed wins, I'm out haters.

Movie of The Week: "Lone Wolf McQuade"

I know people are over the whole Chuck Norris thing, but fuck that. This movie is amazing. Anyone who can appreciate unintentional comedy can grow to love this movie. Here is the trailer to get you warmed up.

After watching that trailer, can you honestly tell me that you don't want to watch this movie? If I know you and you're in San Fran, you can borrow it from me. Yes I have it on DVD. Alright, I'll be back later today, I just need to figure out something to do a post on. Peace.

Man of The Week: Tom Brady's Unborn Child

This week's honoree is Tom Brady's unborn baby. For those of you who haven't heard the news, Tom Brady knocked up his ex-girlfriend, Bridget Moynahan. Moynahan is three months pregnant and Dreamboat (Tom Brady) is the father. This is gonna be awkward for Dreamboat because he's now with Brazilian model Giselle Bundchen. He'll get over it, I'm sure. This kid is gonna be a badass. He's already got groupies and he hasn't even been born yet. I know that you should have to do something badass to win "Man of The Week" honors, but I'm just accepting the inevitable. You gotta figure that this strapping little fetus will grow up to win a Super Bowl sometime between the years 2030 and 2040. By that time he will be well on his way to threatening Wilt Chamberlain's record of a bazillion sexual partners. Hats off to you little man. Since you don't have a name yet, I'll call you Rex Brady until your Dad gives you a handsome name of your own. I obviously got that name from another virile NFL QB. Take care Rex Brady.

Note: I realize that we have no way of knowing whether this baby will be male or female. So if it ends up being a girl, just disregard everything I just wrote and comedian, Tae Kwon Do champ, and "Fear Factor" host Joe Rogan will go in the books as this week's winner.

*I must credit the totally awesome blog withleather.com for coming up with the "Dreamboat" name for Tom Brady. For all I know, that dude didn't make it up, but I got it from him. Don't wanna be a thief like Carlos Mencia.

HW and B EXCLUSIVE! An Interview With Tim Hardaway

Alright guys, this was an awesome experience and a first for Hot Wings and Beer. I got an interview with the man of the hour, Tim Hardaway. What you're about to read is hard-hitting journalism at its finest.

ME: Mr. Hardaway, thank you very much for doing this interview. I'm sure this is a tough time for you with all of the negative press.

TH: Uhh, well you know I hate Gay people, so I let it be known.

ME: Yeah, that's what you told Dan LeBatard. The whole sports world knows that you hate gay people. With that said, I must ask why?

TH: Uhh, well you know it's a lot of reasons man. But do you know that movie "Revenge of The Nerds"?

ME: Of course I do.

TH: Well one of the nerds in that movie is black. He's the only brother in the whole movie and they made him gay. He embarrassed me as a black man.

ME: Well Tim, you have to realize that this movie was pre-Steve Urkel, so the idea of a black nerd was foreign to most Americans. I guess they figured that a black guy had to be gay to roll with a bunch of white nerds.

TH: That's a good point.

ME: Do you still hate gay people?

TH: Uhh, yeah I'm still homophobic.

ME: Jesus Christ...

TH: He hated gay people too!

ME: OK, lets just move on. You aren't gonna change your stance on the whole gay thing and the best reason you gave me was "Revenge of The Nerds". You're a former NBA point guard so lets talk basketball. How did you feel about the new ball that was used during the first few months of the season?

TH: I hated it.

ME: A lot of the players shared that sentiment. Why did you and all of the players hate the new ball so much? A lot of guys complained about the bounce, your thoughts?

TH: Because the new composite ball is gay, so I hate it.

ME: Are you fucking retarded?

TH: Lemme answer that question with one of my own. How much do you weigh?

ME: Uhh, about 215.

TH: MMM, yeah okay. Where'd you get them pants? You look good in them pants.

ME: What the fuck? I dunno, they were a gift.

TH: I'm hungry, you wanna go get something to eat? My treat.

ME: No thanks Tim, I think I'll pass. Well that concludes our interview. Thanks for your time Tim.

TH: Hey, no problem man. You sure you don't wanna come over to my house?

ME: I'm outta here.

5 Things That Must Stop

So here's the deal. I'm regrettably sitting at home on this wonderful Friday night. If figured that if I am going to waste my night, I may as well do it blogging. Well I've been looking at shit on the internet like I always do, and I was astonished that damn near everything I saw got on my nerves. So I decided that I would post my list of 5 things that must stop. Here we go.

5. Using the word "bitches" at the end of a sentence, and other Dave Chappelle thieving.

I know that people are imitating Dave Chappelle when they say things like, "I'm going to Coachella, BITCHES!" or "I got an 'A' on my final, BITCHES!" This shit has gotten old. It really wasn't very funny in the first place. The shit was funny when Dave Chappelle said it because he's fuckin' DAVE CHAPPELLE! He might be the funniest man alive, so you look like a jackass when you think that it sounds good coming out of your mouth. Now that I've got all of that out of my system, it is totally acceptable to say "Bitch" as opposed to "Bitches" at the end of a sentence. Chappelle's version was only original because no one really ever said "Bitch" in the plural form at the end of a statement. Doing the Lil' Jon impression is still unacceptable, for Christ's sake the show has been off the air since '03. Let's just retire it and honor the greatness without beating it to death.

4. Livestrong rubber bracelets
Fuck Lance, he's a cheater and a quitter (I still admire him, I just don't like that guy, can't put a finger on it). I know the bracelets were for cancer, a noble cause. But fuck you if you think that you're more compassionate for wearing one. I had one at one time, so I'm not totally innocent either. My whole point is that the main idea of the "Livestrong" bracelet was to use Lance's celebrity and inspiring story to raise cancer awareness. The idea was to get everyone to donate the dollar for a bracelet in hopes that people would maybe donate more money or their time. I'm not mad at the people who bought the bracelets. It was a hell of an idea and it was good for the cause, but there was some douchebaggery that tainted it. I'm mad because there is some dickweed in a fraternity somewhere who wears one thinking, "Bro, if I wear one of these things chicks will totally think that I'm like sensitive and shit. Big time pussy magnet Bro." Fuck those guys.

3. Corporate Licensing for Sports Arenas/Stadiums

This shit is the worst. Look at some of the names we have here:
Cleveland Cavaliers: Quicken Loans Arena
Los Angeles Lakers: Staples Center
Seattle Mariners: Safeco Field
San Francisco Giants: AT&T Park, formerly SBC Park

This is all bullshit. Teams should have sweet names for their Arenas/Stadiums/Ballparks/what-the fuck-ever. For example, the Staples Center should be called Pimpin' Paradise. I know that sounds like it has nothing to do with the Lakers franchise, but think about Wilt Chamberlain and Magic Johnson. No one was fucking more than those two.

2. Celebrity Basketball Games

What the fuck is this shit? The celeb basketball game at NBA All Star Weekend in Vegas went down tonight. The final score was 40-21, so you know it was good. Some of the participants were Michael Clarke Duncan, Carrot Top, Nelly, Lil' Bow Wow, David Arquette, and Tony Potts. Wait, who the fuck is Tony Potts? Isn't the idea of a celebrity game that you know who the participants are? Well the game sucked ass, which was obvious due to the High School Girls JV-like score of 40-21. The most interesting part of the game was when Reggie Bush rolled his ankle. This is supposed to be one of the more heralded celeb games and it sucked more balls than Kim Kardashian does in the sex tape. I have no idea if she does that in the tape, I haven't seen it yet. Someone let me know if I'm wrong with that reference.

1. POPPED COLLARS


Look at these assholes. They definitely aren't fucking tonight. Why would anyone ever do this? Kanye West still does it, so I think he makes dickweeds all over the world think they can get away with it. Listen up ass-hats, you all look like idiots with your collar popped. Kanye looks stupid with his collar popped, but he can get away with it. You wanna know why? Because he's a celebrity, unlike Tony Potts. Celebrities are supposed to do shit that gets our attention. Celebrities wear ridiculous shit so that people talk about it, just like I am now. I have mentioned Kanye 3 times now in this post alone because of his popped collar, so you know it's working. However, the dipshits pictured above are just anonymous douchebags who definitely don't have the tabloids buzzing over their fashion sense.

With that said, cut the popped collars the fuck out. Glad I got all of that out of my system. I'm spent, I'mma have a beer. I'll be back tomorrow

Falling Down, The Last 4 Clips

Now that I've dedicated 3 posts this week to our movie of the week, "Falling Down", I am just gonna post the last 4 clips that I was planning on showing in this one mega-post. This first clip shows Bill Foster on the phone with his ex-wife after the gang members tried to jack him for his briefcase. Now the gang bangers are looking for revenge...

How ridiculous was that shit. They shot up just about everyone in East L.A. except Michael Douglas. That music was fucking intense too. At this point, you know L.A. is fucked because now Bill Foster has more than just a shitty baseball bat and butterfly knife. He's packing some serious heat. In the next clip, Bill tries to get some breakfast at some McDonald's-like fast food joint.

I'm sure that the Rap music playing outside the restaurant got him in a shitty mood to begin with. Bill Foster doesn't look like much of a Rap man. You know what the most unrealistic detail in that scene was? It was the fact that this fast food place is in the middle of L.A. and everyone that worked there was white. That shit is unlikely. The second most unrealistic part would have to be that he pulled out a MAC-10 in a fast food restaurant and nothing happened to him. If this was a Fatburger in L.A. there would most likely be a real G in there that would have clapped Bill Foster. In the next clip, Bill goes to an army surplus store to buy some boots.

You know something is up when the store owner goes all Tim Hardaway on the gay couple in the store. You're probably wondering why Bill Foster had a snow globe in his bag of guns. Well Bill bought the snow globe for his daughter's birthday. That Nazi fucked up big time when he called the snow globe "Faggot Shit" and broke it to bits. After he kicked the Nazi's ass, he changes into some fatigues and continues to make his way home. This is the last clip I'm gonna show because the rest of the movie is lame and not funny like everything else I showed.

How silly is this damn movie? That old guy is bat-shit crazy. What he doesn't know is that Bill Foster has no respect for country club patrons. Well that just about wraps it up on this weeks movie. BIG UP!

If You Are Gay, Tim Hardaway Hates You

OK, so all American gay people need to move to Canada because Tim said that it (homosexuality) shouldn't be in America...Wait what's that? He said "the world" too? Oh well I guess you gay people are fucked. Tim said the whole world. Sorry y'all.

Parents Just Don't Understand

I can't even say anything about this video clip. It would be a disservice to the awesomeness of this video. All I can say is that some people are really fucking stupid.


HOLY SHIT! The Dad who's kid got tossed is a complete bitch and the Dad who went ape shit is a fucking moron. If someone tossed my kid like that I would have beat the living shit out of him.

Falling Down "Pay The Toll" Clip

Here's another clip from our movie of the week, "Falling Down". In this clip he uses the baseball bat that he got from the Korean store owner. He picks up a weapon at almost every encounter he has. Well anyway, here's the clip:

"Clear a path!" So now he has a new weapon, the butterfly knife. He this movie is basically like Grand Theft Auto. You start off with nothing and then you just have to kick ass to get more weapons and reach the ultimate goal. I'll be posting another clip or two today.

Juice's Valentine's Day Plans

Fuck Valentine's Day. You know why? I'm single and unless there is some kind of miraculous act of God at the Pig & Whistle (my local trivia night Pub), I am not fucking tonight. It's not because I can't get laid, I just don't work at it. I don't care as much as I used to. However, my main knock on Valentine's day is that it is a shitty excuse for dude's to spend money.

There shouldn't be a holiday that forces couples to do romantic shit and be nice to each other and have unbridled sex for an evening. Any good man would buy his girl something nice from time to time if he really cared, so Valentine's is just a way to remind dipshits that they should treat their girlfriends better.

Despite my dislike of Valentine's day, I wish everyone else a happy day and I still plan on having fun. Here is my itinerary:

5:00 P.M.- Get out of my shitty science lab and get home ASAP to get in the Valentine's Spirit.

5:15 P.M.- Get home, drink a bottle of Cisco, and watch Red Shoe Diaries (hard core porn is not romantic and insensitive toward the Valentine's spirit).

5:45 P.M.- I should have a strong buzz going after the Cisco. I should probably start to get ready to go out. I will then grab a beer, most likely High Life. Then I'll play some music, probably some sappy and girly songs. With Damien Rice playing and beer in hand, I will take a shower. I am really buzzing now and I start to think of past relationships and I sit down in the shower and cry. I get emotional off that Cisco.

7:30 P.M.- I'll hop out of the shower and dry off. I'll feel much better after my cathartic shower has ended. I'll get dressed and probably drink another beer before I go to quiz night at the Pig & Whistle.

8:00 P.M.- Me and the roommates will get to the Pig & Whistle. I'll see the lady bartender and think to myself, "I wouldn't mind going home with her." I'll go order a pitcher of beer and make some kind of compliment to her that suggests that I'm not just looking at her boobs. Something like "Hey I like what you've done with your hair. Did you do something different than usual because it looks great." (note: If I ever say that to you, it means that I was looking at your boobs. This is code for boobie compliment to me.)

8:10 P.M.- Quiz night is starting. No more time to fuck around.

10:00 P.M.- My shitty team will lose again to the same fucking team that always beats us. By this time I am totally drunk and pissed that I spent Valentine's playing some bullshit pub quiz instead of hitting on girls.

10:10 P.M.- I'll have to pee. Hit the bathroom and look in the mirror to make sure I look decent enough to salvage the night. I'll say start pumping myself up, "Fuck yeah Julien! Who's fucking tonight? This guy! Why? Because I'm the balls."

10:30 P.M. By this time, I'm sure to have embarrassed myself and I'll just go back to drinking in hopes that it will help me come up with a better plan.

1:30 A.M.- Three hours will have passed and I haven't come up with shit. I am so drunk that I would probably stick my dick in a bear trap as long as the thing had red lipstick on. I will then make my 1st wise decision of the evening and hail a cab home.

1:45 A.M.- When I get home, I'll probably order a ground beef and American bacon pizza. I'll eat the pizza and then pass out.

So that's my plan. Not much different from a normal night of drinking for me. But these things never go quite as planned, you know?

Falling Down "85 cents" clip

As you know know by now, the movie of the week is "Falling Down" with Michael Douglas. Here is Wikipedia's summary of what this movie is about:

"Falling Down is a 1993 film by Joel Schumacher about the character William 'Bill' Foster (played by Michael Douglas) also known as 'D-FENS' (named for his license plate), an unemployed American missile engineer with a considerable life insurance policy, making an attempt to 'go home' for his daughter's birthday after leaving his car in traffic on the hottest day of the year. As he passes through the city of Los Angeles, California on foot he finds himself alienated, disgusted and angered by what he experiences as he is accosted, overcharged and rejected. He becomes a vigilante as he gradually begins to accumulate weaponry and starts to force people out of his way."

Fuckin badass huh? I love this movie because me and Bill Foster are pretty much the same person, both unemployed, hard, from L.A. and allergic to bullshit. Only difference is that he's white, older than me, has a kid and he doesn't exist. I, however, am the real shit. Well here is the clip of the first encounter that sets off Bill's mean-streak and where he picks up his first weapon. Check it:

"My rights as a consumer!" Hardcore. That Korean dude had it coming for being such a dickhead. I was charged 85 cents for a grape soda at the cornerstore and I only had 70 cents on me. This is how the conversation went between me and the clerk.

Me: How much for this fucking grape soda?
Clerk: 85 cent.
Me: Well I'm just gonna give you seventy cents. You'll still make a profit, don't sweat it chief.
Clerk: No, 85 cents.
Me: No, no, that's just not gonna work out. (While holding up my closed fist) You see this shit? Huh? Well this will do more than 15 cents worth of damage to your fucking skull if you don't sell me this soda for 70 cents
Clerk: I'm gonna call the cops!
Me: Fuck you! Calling the law is gonna waste a hell of a lot more than 15 cents in taxpayers dollars. You're fucking with my rights as a consumer!
Clerk: Well, I guess you have a point there. OK, 70 cents.

That was it. I only use violence as a last resort. I prefer talking things out like I did with that clerk.

Ninja Warrior Kicks Ass

If you don't watch the show "Ninja Warrior" on the G4 channel, then you are a pussy. Ninja Warrior is this badass show where Japanese people try to make it through an obstacle course that only those with ninja-like abilities can conquer. It's fucking sweet, check out the clip.


America kicks so much ass. That dude did it way better than a lot of those Japanese types could. That dude represents the badassery that America is all about. There are some pretty kicksass Japanese dudes on this show as well, like Nagano Makoto. After watching Ninja Warrior for hours, I've realized that Japanese people always yell in unison, like "AAAIIIIIEEEEE". Fuckin' nuts.

Movie of The Week: "Falling Down"

Get ready to be pumped. The first movie of the week is "Falling Down", starring pimpin' Michael Douglas. "Falling Down" is about this mild-mannered dude (Mike Douglas) who is recently divorced and just got fired on his daughter's birthday, so you know he's pissed. So he gets in his car to go see his daughter and he gets stuck in shitty L.A. traffic on the hottest day of the year.

This is where shit gets awesome, he just gets out of his car and leaves it there in traffic and starts walking home. He just walks around and everywhere he goes, some dipshit pisses him off. He's an honorable man who has had enough bullshit and he starts to regulate on people. Here's a commercial for the movie.


This movie is kickass. To prove it, I will be posting clips of it throughout the week and you'll see the awesomeness shine through the debilitating fog of douchebaggery that is killing this country.

Co-Man of The Week: Sean Taylor

It looks like D.C. is well represented this week, with two of it's finest athletes splitting Man of The Week honors. The 1st winner was Gil Arenas (See previous post). The second honoree is Washington Redskins Safety, Sean Taylor. Taylor is an ultimate badass. He made sure to remind us all of this during the Pro-Bowl on Saturday. Check out the video:

I know he hit the punter, but damn. Taylor refuses to take it easy in a meaningless exhibition game. This makes him our co-Man of The Week.

This Week's Co-Man of The Week: Gilbert Arenas.

The Man of The Week Award is split because of two equal acts of manliness. The 1st winner is Washington Wizards guard, Gilbert Arenas. Last week in practice, Arenas bet DeShawn Stevenson $20,000 that he could make more one-handed shots from the college 3 point line than Stevenson could make regular two-handed NBA threes. Both guys shot 100 threes. Here is a video of what happened:

Did you see how Arenas wouldn't stop fucking with Stevenson while he was shooting? What a competitor. Arenas made 73 out of 100 to beat Stevenson out of 20 grand. Did you notice when Arenas was at 68 out of 90 shots, he said that he didn't need to shoot another ten to beat Stevenson. Badass.

Andy Reid Went Home

Philadelphia Eagles Head Coach, Andy Reid (pictured above) is taking a leave of absence until mid-March to handle some family business. Basically, Reid is going home to straighten out his fuck up sons, Britt and Garrett. If he didn't want his sons to be douchebags, he shouldn't have given them douchy names. They both got in trouble with the law in the same day, one for crashing a car while being high on heroin and the other one pulled a gun on someone in a fit of road rage and had coke in the car. Way to go guys! Now your Dad has to miss the combine and entrust his dipshit assistant, Marty Morninwheg, with evaluating all of the talent at the scouting combine later this month. I hope those fucking insane Philly fans beat the shit out of the Reid boys for fucking up their 2007 Draft class.

I'm back, Motherfucker[s]!

OK, I'm back. I put the "s" in brackets because I think I only have one reader (my Brother), so I didn't want to get all ahead of myself and think that I actually have readers. I haven't been posting much lately because no readers+beer+weekend= fuck posting. I'm gonna start posting more than I did last week. I'll probably do like three more posts today because I'm taking the day off from class, so get ready for the pain. One more thing, I know that you guys don't leave comments because you don't have accounts or you just don't want to. Well if you wanna leave a comment, do it on my facebook profile. If any of you reading this aren't friends with me on facebook, then you just have to suck it up and get a fucking account. It takes 2 minutes. Alright, lets get this week going.

Fuck You, Ray-J. Fuck You.

Fuck Ray-J.

There is a sex tape coming out soon featuring the gorgeous lady pictured above, Kim Kardashian. Who is Kim Kardashian you ask? She's the daughter of Robert Kardashian, one of the lawyers that got my man OJ off the hook. She is also a socialite sidekick of Paris Hilton. C-List R&B singer, Brandy's Brother, and complete douche, Ray-J is the dude in the video. What the fuck man? Ray-J is trash and not manly. Just look at him:



Look at that punk bitch, tagging along with his big sister. He looks so weak and his mustache looks painted on. Fuck that guy. I would usually salute a dude for doing something as awesome as making a sex tape with Kim, but Ray J gets on my nerves. If she wanted to be with a man who could satisfy her and be caring, she should have called me up. Me Vs. Ray J, you be the judge:


I Win!

The 2/5/07 Man Of The Week is Charles Barkley

Sir Charles is the 1st ever "Man of The Week" here at Hot Wings and Beer. Barkley earned the distinction by winning over $700,000 in Vegas this weekend. Barkley won the money by playing Black Jack and betting on the Indianapolis Colts to win the Super Bowl. Sir Charles has lost over $10 Million to gambling and once lost $2.5 Mil "in a six hour period."

It's safe to say that Barkley is a complete badass. Check out some of his great quotes from his time as a player and as an analyst for TNT:

A classic '92 Dream Team quote, after the USA played Angola and Charles had elbowed an Angolan national team member in the chest. When asked about it, he responded: "I shouldn't have done that. He probably hasn't eaten in weeks."

"I do have one question: Have you ever seen Gollum, John Clayton and Sam Cassell in the same place before?"

When Chuck was asked by the judge if he had any regrets about throwing guy through a window in Orlando he said, "I regret we weren't on a higher floor."

Charles makes it really easy, I don't have to come up with shit. You can expect me to start making up stories about Barkley so that I won't have to come up with ideas for posts. Oh wait, I guess making up a story about Barkley IS coming up with something. Scratch that idea.

The Super Bowl Wrap Up

Super Bowl Sunday saw Peyton Manning get the monkey off his back and win his 1st Super Bowl. Manning also won the MVP award. Here are some other observations of the spectacle:

The Pre-Game show was...I'm at a loss for words. I was gonna say "Gay with a capital 'G'" but that wouldn't be enough. If you missed it, check this out and share your suggestions for a suitable description:



I'm still searching for answers.

Rex Grossman was awful the entire game. He had this kind of awkward expression on his face. I make that same face sometimes when I find myself in an uncomfortable situation. For example, if I were to walk in on my uncle while he was beating off. To clarify, I mean my gay uncle. I've walked in on my plumber uncle while he was beating off one time and it wasn't so bad, he just gave me the man nod and I respectfully left the room.

I thought Prince rocked the shit out of the halftime show, despite doing a Foo Fighters cover. What the fuck was that all about?

That's all I care to discuss regarding the Super Bowl. Check back in the next 24 hours for my 1st weekly "Man of The Week".

One More Year of Manliness, Brett Favre.

If you haven't heard yet, Favre is coming back for the '07 season. I know that he is far from the player he once was, but he's still hard. Sure, he makes some pretty poor decisions with the football, but that's where it ends. He's made nothing but good decisions off the field. He's a man's man. You don't believe me when I say that Favre makes great decisions? Look at how he spends his free time:



Fucking awesome huh? Did you see those crawfish that he and his buddies ate? That shit looked so good. Did you see him throw the ball over that lake? Man, he chopped that wood so easy, bad ass. Did you see his wife? I thought they had to cut off her boobs because of cancer? Anyway, if you think Favre should retire, then fuck you. That man can still do it. Favre can play forever if he wants, he'll always be better than Aaron Rodgers' sorry ass. I am excited for one more year of Mandom from Favre.

The Inspiration

So I was at a bar last night with a couple of friends. On the surface, this bar looked like a sports bar. Right up my alley. When I walked in, I saw something very different. There were a ton of hippies with no shoes on, all dancing to this Phish-wannabe band. FUCK. What have I gotten myself into. You should have seen these people, fuck it, I'll show you:



Fucked up right? I thought that I'd have to go to an Allman Brothers concert to see this kind of bullshit. Well anyway, I figured that I would salvage the night by just boozin' with my buddy Rob, who came with me and is all man. We get to drinking and laughing at all of these people and Rob mentioned something about Organic food. The light bulb went off in my head and I decided to write a blog entry about organic food and the pussies who eat it.

Organic food is for pussies. Can a respectable man have organic food from time to time? Sure, I've known such men. However, the typical organic consumer is typically one of 3 types of people:

1. Women. Nothing to say about that.

2. The wuss, hippie, environmentalist types you saw in the video above.

3. The douchebag who hangs out in the Marina (if you know San Francisco) or the dipshit that listens to Coldplay, wears a`scarf without a jacket, and drinks Chai tea on a regular basis (I know that sounded like my good friend, Frank. Frank is all man, despite his few missteps. He somehow transcends the douchebaggery and remains all man).

I don't like types 2 and 3. Not because I actually think of them as lesser forms of men...wink, but because I have nothing in common with them. I like to think of myself as a man's man and they are fruity or something. I dunno.

My other issue with organic food/free range is that the whole idea is bullshit.Who cares if they spray shit on your fruit? The fruit doesn't have fucking feelings. Some people say that the organic produce is better for you and that less Llamas die if you eat it or something, I dunno. All I know is that if you get sick from non-organic produce, you are a complete wuss and you had it coming. People in Mexico drink water with Giardia in it and they don't complain. Stop bitching about the fruit.

Now we move on to the whole free range thing. Who gives a shit about where my Buffalo wings came from. I wouldn't give a shit if Farmer John fucked the pig that became the bacon in my BLT. Free range chicken is for pussies. I'm convinced that the people who bitch about slaughterhouses have never been around farm animals for more than the 15 minutes they spent at the petting zoo. Farm animals fucking suck. They stink like shit, they make annoying noises, and they can't kick any ass. I'm sure chimp meat is delicious, but there is a reason we don't eat chimps. They kick ass. All chimps are amazing comedians/actors, they beat off, and they can do flips. All things that men do. If you could find me a farm animal that could do any of that shit, I would start eating free range bullshit, but I still won't listen to Phish and look like this guy:



What the fuck?