Juice's Valentine's Day Plans

Fuck Valentine's Day. You know why? I'm single and unless there is some kind of miraculous act of God at the Pig & Whistle (my local trivia night Pub), I am not fucking tonight. It's not because I can't get laid, I just don't work at it. I don't care as much as I used to. However, my main knock on Valentine's day is that it is a shitty excuse for dude's to spend money.

There shouldn't be a holiday that forces couples to do romantic shit and be nice to each other and have unbridled sex for an evening. Any good man would buy his girl something nice from time to time if he really cared, so Valentine's is just a way to remind dipshits that they should treat their girlfriends better.

Despite my dislike of Valentine's day, I wish everyone else a happy day and I still plan on having fun. Here is my itinerary:

5:00 P.M.- Get out of my shitty science lab and get home ASAP to get in the Valentine's Spirit.

5:15 P.M.- Get home, drink a bottle of Cisco, and watch Red Shoe Diaries (hard core porn is not romantic and insensitive toward the Valentine's spirit).

5:45 P.M.- I should have a strong buzz going after the Cisco. I should probably start to get ready to go out. I will then grab a beer, most likely High Life. Then I'll play some music, probably some sappy and girly songs. With Damien Rice playing and beer in hand, I will take a shower. I am really buzzing now and I start to think of past relationships and I sit down in the shower and cry. I get emotional off that Cisco.

7:30 P.M.- I'll hop out of the shower and dry off. I'll feel much better after my cathartic shower has ended. I'll get dressed and probably drink another beer before I go to quiz night at the Pig & Whistle.

8:00 P.M.- Me and the roommates will get to the Pig & Whistle. I'll see the lady bartender and think to myself, "I wouldn't mind going home with her." I'll go order a pitcher of beer and make some kind of compliment to her that suggests that I'm not just looking at her boobs. Something like "Hey I like what you've done with your hair. Did you do something different than usual because it looks great." (note: If I ever say that to you, it means that I was looking at your boobs. This is code for boobie compliment to me.)

8:10 P.M.- Quiz night is starting. No more time to fuck around.

10:00 P.M.- My shitty team will lose again to the same fucking team that always beats us. By this time I am totally drunk and pissed that I spent Valentine's playing some bullshit pub quiz instead of hitting on girls.

10:10 P.M.- I'll have to pee. Hit the bathroom and look in the mirror to make sure I look decent enough to salvage the night. I'll say start pumping myself up, "Fuck yeah Julien! Who's fucking tonight? This guy! Why? Because I'm the balls."

10:30 P.M. By this time, I'm sure to have embarrassed myself and I'll just go back to drinking in hopes that it will help me come up with a better plan.

1:30 A.M.- Three hours will have passed and I haven't come up with shit. I am so drunk that I would probably stick my dick in a bear trap as long as the thing had red lipstick on. I will then make my 1st wise decision of the evening and hail a cab home.

1:45 A.M.- When I get home, I'll probably order a ground beef and American bacon pizza. I'll eat the pizza and then pass out.

So that's my plan. Not much different from a normal night of drinking for me. But these things never go quite as planned, you know?